The contents of a 90s pencil case

Sometimes I’m really glad my boyfriend is a bit of a hoarder. He’s the type to store his nuts away, and I don’t mind this too much unless I’m navigating through a sea of odd screws, lids and general crap that “we might need one day”.

(For “one day”, see: “If the government ever decides to kill anyone who can’t do Blue Peter makes when asked.)

Anyway, from among his precious hoard of crap and lids, he recently produced this:


Ladies and gentlemen – his pencil case from school. Join me as we wander through a treasure trove of Tippex, shit pens and evidence that I go out with Will from The Inbetweeners…



This is a big, serious ruler, for big, serious ruling. Also, note that the only vandalism is his name written on it neatly. This leads me to the conclusion that Alex was a gimpy swot at school. Further investigation confirms this, as he admitted to having A) a briefcase, and B) name tags sewn into his ties.

Old Tippex


The first thing I did with this was sniff it, because that’s what you do. Then I tried to paint my nails, but I got bored with that.

Old batteries


For his special calculator that does graphs. When I heard this, I was the opposite of surprised. Apparently, he also programmed games into it by hand, which makes him a bona fide genius as well as a gimpy swot. Note the Jan 2000 expiration date, and the fact that they have amazingly not leaked.

Coronation Street rubber


Got from a Granada Studios tour. Alex was very enthusiastic about going on the Aliens 4D ride, but mentions nothing about Coronation Street.

He also claims his dad made the entire family buy loads of rubbers so he could claim them back on his work expenses. And that it was a shit rubber which just made the paper go a bit red.

Crayola pencils


Colours include:

‘Golden yellow
‘Aqua green’
‘Shocking pink’
‘Atomic tangerine’
‘Laser lemon’

An interesting mix, I’m sure we can all agree.

Magic pen


One end pen, one end eraser. The magic part comes from the eraser bit being able to ‘magically’ smudge the ink bit so it sort of goes away but not really.

All hail Satan.

Protractor bits


Includes bits of Alex’s special gimp protractor that goes all the way round, for people who want to do maths.

Fountain pen


This was Alex’s favourite pen, because he said it reminded him of the space shuttle. Something about the way you load the ink cartridge in. Then he said something about cargo bay doors, but I was trying to watch The Apprentice at the time.

Alex’s school didn’t allow biros. Their desks had inkwells in them. They also had a moat. I wish I was lying.

Serious pencils


Yellow and black pencils that are in various states ranging from ‘never used’ to ‘Fuck, I can’t remember the capital of Gibraltar!’.



As Alex was a serious student with a stupid round protractor, he had no need for things like highlighters. As everyone knows, highlighters are just for dicking about by looking like you’re doing work, but really just highlighting words like ‘sex’ and ‘testes’.

Alex was above such nonsense, so his highlighters remained largely unused. He explained that he only had them in the first place because his dad nicked a load from work.

Rainbow episode review: Three knobheads and a baby

Today’s episode is called ‘Looking After Baby’, and once again we see Geoffrey’s evil, Machiavellian brain at work as he tricks Bungle, Zippy and George.

Geoffrey is waving madly and shouting “Jane, Jane, over here!”


Pop quiz. Is Jane:

A) 3 miles away

B) 3 feet away

Congratulations, have a quid.


Jane’s stolen a baby and brought it round. Not sure if she’s going to try to convince Geoffrey that he’s the father. Probably not, since Rod and Freddy are already the fathers. But if we’re going with the three dads thing, Rod is obviously Tom Selleck, and Geoffrey would be Ted Danson. Freddy can be Steve Guttenberg because no one’s picked him yet.

The baby is called Oliver, he looks pretty nonplussed. Wait until he sees Bungle.


Geoffrey suggests that, as it’s such a nice day outside in the studio, they should keep Oliver in the garden for a bit. It’s ok, because Geoffrey has already got a carry cot. Why he owns this is never explained.

“But won’t the others want to see the baby?” asks Jane.

“We’ll get to that,” says Geoffrey. “But first I’m going to play an evil prank on them, like I do sometimes. Like that time I told Bungle the Ark of the Covenant was up his bum, and he spent hours trying to find it.”

Look at his evil, plotting face.


Geoffrey puts a doll (which he also happens to own) in Oliver’s pram, and goes inside. I don’t know if you can hear me in the past Geoffrey, but please try and convince Bungle that you just gave birth in the garden.

No need, Bungle is being entertaining without Geoffrey’s help. He asks “Is it the baby?” while looking straight fucking at the baby.


I should cut Bungle some slack here. He’s probably asking that because he can clearly see that it’s a doll. Oh wait, no, he’s just an idiot.

We get another conspiratorial wink from Geoffrey, then he announces he’s off out, and they’re in charge of looking after the baby.

Zippy shouts “HELLO BABY!” at the baby, and then they all stand around shitting themselves, presumably to make the baby feel at home.


George suggests rocking the pram. Bungle interprets this as ‘Shake the pram to death with your mighty bear muscles’.

“Stop that Bungle!” they cry. “You’re not digging up the fucking road!”

Geoffrey comes back in with a bottle, and Bungle voices his concern that the baby might not be entirely ok, since it’s not moving, breathing, or doing anything. Geoffrey has a secret piss at this. Naughty Geoffrey.


Geoffrey fucks off again, leaving Bungle holding the baby. At this point, Bungle should at least have some alarm bells ringing due to the baby being rock hard.

However, before Bungle can start doing CPR on the baby (like it would ever occur to him), they hear a burp, so instead he gets it in a wrestling hold under the guise of ‘winding’.


Turns out the burping was actually Zippy. I could have told them that.

Geoffrey’s doll, we discover, is a talking doll. It starts saying “Mama”. Bungle looks horrified.


Geoffrey comes in to gloat, and leaves a bottle for the baby. Zippy tries to put some milk in a mug like an idiot. Anyway, I reckon Bungle should have a crack at breastfeeding, he’s already got his tits out.

Geoffrey comes in yet again, this time to explain about breastfeeding. Great minds think alike I guess. He explains that “Some babies suck milk from their mother’s breasts”. Say what you like about Rainbow, it was a bloody progressive show, and very educational. This doesn’t excuse Geoffrey’s evil shenanigans though.

Rod and Freddy come in, looking for nappies. This prompts Rod to explain that “When babies are small they don’t go to the lavatory on their own – they might fall in.” Yes, that’s the entire reason.

Rod screenshot of the day is Nick Clegg.


Turns out Rod and Freddy are in on the joke as well. They should be ashamed of themselves.


Jane sings the real baby a song, because she’s the woman one. I think Rod and Freddy join in, because they are also women.

Then we cut back to Bungle, George and Zippy, who are rapidly losing their shit. I’m not sure what Zippy and George are doing.


Geoffrey comes back in and says “Oh it’s fine, ignore the baby for a bit while I read you a story.”

After the story, he reminds us that he’s still evil. Or he’s got something in his eye.


Geoffrey decides to stop being evil, and to put Bungle, George and Zippy out of their misery. He fetches the real baby in to meet them. The baby doesn’t immediately have a nervous breakdown upon seeing them. Respect to that baby. George does a facepalm.


How they all laugh.

Way to go tricking those three again Geoffrey. I guess you deserve that pleased face.



12 scary things and why they are scary

Stop going on about scary clowns. Here are 12 things that are scarier than clowns.

Jam Mini Rolls


They are not chocolate ones. There is a danger of buying these thinking they’re chocolate, then getting them home and discovering they are nothing of the sort.

Oak Furniture Land


As long as it exists, you might accidentally go there one day. Then men will smile at you and make you buy a table.

Phone calls


You have to answer them if you can’t get away with hiding under your bed. Then you might say the wrong thing by mistake, such as “My penis is missing” when you meant “Hello”.



Carry the risk of paper cuts. Also, they might contain ghosts.



Murderers wear shoes.

This woman


I have good reason to believe she breaks into my flat and uses my coffee when I’m asleep. She does this by somehow getting through the gap under the door.

Homes Under The Hammer


This man can demolish an entire house with a hammer. Best not make him cross. It might be a house just three miles from a local school.



What if you fill one in, and all the words form an incantation that summons the devil? And the people at the Birmingham Express & Star didn’t realise? They probably did realise, but they were too busy writing about some people having a sponsored knit.



They sell so many, it’s inevitable that at least one of them is haunted.

This jumper


Look at it.

King size duvet covers


Once I tried to change one of these on my own, but I got lost inside it and I’m still in there to this day. I’ve had to do a wee in here and everything.

Vernon Kay


If you laugh at Vernon Kay, he owns your soul. I think I read that in a thing somewhere.

Rainbow episode review: Carry on up the Bungle

Today we’re getting our Indiana Jones pants on and going exploring! Not sure if a guy rips another guy’s heart out, probably not. I think they’ll probably just look at some interesting pebbles. I guess we’ll never know if we don’t start the episode.

Bungle is using binoculars to explore the garden. This is despite the fact that everything in the garden is A) less than six inches away, and B) drawn on. No wonder he looks so confused.


George manages to out-idiot Bungle by asking Geoffrey if elephants live in nests. They do not. They live in flats and are called Jenny.

Bungle carries on with his ridiculous binoculars plan. What do you know – he’s found some interesting pebbles!


Those pebbles definitely are interesting due to them not being pebbles. Or if they are, the Rainbow gang should start worrying that radioactive waste has leaked into their garden.

And anyway, I think the one on the right is a Kinder egg inside bit that someone’s stood on.

Next they find a hedgehog, which is definitely real.


This prompts them to declare that the garden is “like a jungle”, proving that they’ve never been in a jungle, or seen a picture of one, or even heard the word ‘jungle’ before. Although I think you do get hippos in the jungle, but you don’t get broken Kinder eggs and hedgehogs.

I hope Bungle finds some catshit with his binoculars. That’ll learn him.

The gang decide to play jungle explorers, which is brilliant because it means they have to get the dressing up box out. For some reason, Bungle decides ‘pregnant flasher’ is a suitable look for Geoffrey.


“Bungle, stop being such a twat, I can dress myself,” says Geoffrey. Great job Geoffrey.


Zippy wonders what it would be like to really be in the jungle. He drifts off into a daydream…

I’m not sure why Zippy is imagining everything being on fire.


“It’s very hot in this jungle.”

I’m not fucking surprised since it’s on fire.

The rest of the gang catch up with him, and they all stand there crapping on about how they didn’t expect to find things like monkeys and trees in the jungle. I am now 100% convinced they didn’t mean ‘jungle’, they meant ‘Tesco car park’. That would explain the broken Kinder egg.

Meanwhile, we catch Geoffrey during peak eye roll.


Bungle runs off after a butterfly. Geoffrey sort of makes a half-arsed attempt to shout after him, but not really. I bet he’s secretly pleased.

Geoffrey’s sense of duty prevails, however, and he decides the three of them are going to have to go look for Bungle. Why? In case he gets eaten? By a bear? Out of the four of them, I’d say it’s Bungle who has the best chance of survival in the jungle.

Wow, Bungle’s gone a hell of a long way. It’s night time where he is.


You know what? I take back the earlier comment about Bungle surviving in the jungle. He might win a fight with, I dunno, that butterfly he was after, but that’s about it.

Bungle’s peril and imminent death are obviously a prefect cue for a Rod, Jane and Freddy song about going out for the day in matching outfits.


Look guys, I’m sure you’re having a lovely day out, but you can’t leave us with that cliffhanger. Bungle’s about to die! This is really not the time.

Back to Bungle, who hasn’t eaten for at least ten minutes and is wasting away.

Then this happens:

Would it have killed Bungle to sort of look vaguely in the direction the director threw the banana from? I’ve watched this clip 79 times so far.

Geoffrey arrives, and the two of them bump into each other, shitting themselves in the process.


Then Geoffrey decides that what they all need is a story, after trekking in the jungle for 12 hours and nearly dying.

I can’t concentrate because I can’t stop thinking about that banana thing.

This is my face:


The story involves Bungle dancing because he’s got itchy balls or something, I forget the details.

Then Zippy’s daydream ends, and we’re back in the garden. So I guess we have Zippy to blame for Bananagate? But there’s no time to think about that now, because the others are all waiting for Zippy to stop dicking around so they can go find more tennis balls and dogshit.


Seriously. I won’t sleep tonight now.



Let’s play some Hannah Montana games

I think Hannah Montana’s that one off the TV. I don’t know because I’m 32.

However, being 32 doesn’t stop me playing internet games aimed at 5 year old girls.

For some reason I keep finding Hannah Montana themed games, and I think they were made by someone who doesn’t like Hannah Montana very much. Join me as we get Hannah Montana pissed and take out her teeth…

Hannah Montana Real Haircuts


This game looks promising because I think you get to poke her in the face with scissors. I set it to German by mistake. I don’t know what ‘spielen’ in, maybe it’s ‘spleen’. Maybe you get to poke her in the spleen with scissors.

This is the first bit. I haven’t even done anything yet. She must have gone on the bus like that.


But it’s a good game because you get to actually style her hair, rather than just choosing from some ready made styles.

I went a bit wrong, so I decided to start again and do Troll hair instead.


I think this is German for “Why have you given me such shit hair. What did I ever do to you.”


She looks like she wants to punch me but can’t quite manage it because she’s a drawing.

Hannah Montana At The Dentist


You’ve decided to become a dentist, and your only patient is Hannah Montana who hasn’t brushed her teeth her entire life. You must dick about with sharp objects and then somehow you win the game.

I accidentally removed all her teeth, except that one which I couldn’t pull out for some reason. Also I think I’ve killed her.


Never mind, let’s have another go. This time I had a proper go at fixing up her teeth, because at the end I got to stick stickers on them. Apart from the ones I pulled out again because I used the wrong thing by mistake.


I think I won anyway. I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention.

Hannah Montana Love Mix


Or to give it its proper name – ‘Hannah Montana Gets Off Her Tits On Cocktails’.

You play as a creepy, large headed Hannah Montana, who pours herself whiskey using her elastic arms:


Then she’s hammered. End of game.


I wish I was hammered.

Hannah Montana Wireless Quest


In which you have to “hurry the fuck up and find Miley’s diary you stupid bitch”. She can’t find her own diary because she’s still pissed from the cocktails.

I don’t know who those other people are. Maybe they’re ghosts.

I have no idea what I’m doing.


Before I could figure it out I got an ‘incoming call’ from someone or other. I think it was important, but then it was just a black screen until I got bored and quit the call:


After that I still couldn’t figure out what to do, so I just made her walk into the wall until the timer ran out.


The end.

Rainbow episode review: Snakes on a Bungle

It’s my stupid birthday soon, so I thought I’d write about the time they all spent weeks organising a stupid birthday party for stupid Bungle.

Let’s begin.

Zippy and George are whispering to each other, despite being the only ones in the room.


Zippy explains:

“I know it’s rude to whisper, but we don’t want Bungle to hear.”

Because they’re planning a surprise birthday party for Bungle’s birthday, which is tomorrow. Also because he’s a fat nosy prick.

Bungle comes in and immediately starts being a fat nosy prick.


I bet he’s just finished going through Geoffrey’s underpant drawer.

“What are you two whispering about?” he demands.

“We were just talking about how you should mind your own fucking business.”

Bungle gets upset and storms out of the room, barging into Geoffrey in the process.


Geoffrey is whispering too, but only because he’s lost his voice. They continue plotting the stupid birthday party, which will probably just consist of the four of them wearing hats. I’ve seen birthday parties on Rainbow before.

Bungle’s managed to mind his own business for all of 20 seconds:


He storms back in.

“Right, what the fuck’s going on? Why are you all whispering?”

“We’re not whispering,” whispers Geoffrey.

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“Yes but that’s not relevant here. I’m only whispering because I’ve lost my voice.”


Bungle does some more storming, this time to go see Rod Jane and Freddy.

Rod Jane and Freddy are whispering too. Well, Rod and Jane are whispering, and giggling, and probably saying rude words like ‘pissflap’. Freddy is sitting there looking worried. Maybe he doesn’t know what a pissflap is, but he can’t admit this because then he’ll stop looking hard and cool.


Pssst, Freddy – if you want to know what a pissflap is, there’s one behind that wall.

Bungle starts complaining: “It’s very hard to hear what people are talking about when they’re whispering all the time!”

I think that’s the idea Bungle, you pissflap.

Then Freddy mimes a big round shape, which is the funniest thing Rod and Jane have ever seen. Bungle takes this to mean they’re calling him fat and annoying, which he is.


Spoiler alert: they’re not saying that. But it’s still true.

Five minutes later it’s bedtime. Those pyjamas.


Bungle has a whinge in those pyjamas then goes to bed. Seriously, no human has ever worn or owned pyjamas like those. He looks like a bishop.

“Goodnight,” he says, before heading TO THE KITCHEN.


The next morning, Geoffrey and Jane are plotting. You can tell they’re plotting because Geoffrey is doing his super-concentrating-and-plotting face, and also because they’re saying things like “Isn’t this plotting fun?”


Jane goes away, but oh shit! They’ve forgotten to get a birthday cake! Geoffrey tries to ‘pssst’ at Jane, but Bungle catches him so he has to pretend to be doing his exercises instead. While going ‘pssst’.


Geoffrey sends George away with a message, and continues psssing. Bungle isn’t too bothered; he’s distracted by not getting any birthday cards in the post. Of course you haven’t got any bloody cards in the post Bungle – you only know six people and they all live in the same house as you. Three of them live in your kitchen.

Meanwhile, George passes on Geoffrey’s message to Zippy that they’ve “forgotten the birthday snake”, thus proving that George has zero common sense or experience of birthdays, and is a div. Not once did he stop and think ‘Hmm, I know it’s something that sounds like ‘snake’, and you have one at a birthday party. What the fuck could it possibly be?’


Zippy passes the message on to Freddy, who doesn’t question it and goes off to buy a snake. This is fucking ridiculous. Zippy and George have some sort of excuse, on account of they’re puppets and not alive, but Freddy is a grown man and should have figured out the ‘snake/cake’ thing.

Right, are you ready for the result of all this hard work and planning and working in secret for weeks?


They just stand around and throw some string at him. They could have fucking done that anyway. And they definitely have been planning it for weeks, as confirmed by George, like this load of cock is something to be proud of.

Remember when Freddy made that big round mime? He was actually describing Bungle’s “enormous birthday present”:


They’ve all clubbed together and bought him an inflatable beach ball for 99p for his birthday.

Now there’s just the ‘snake/cake’ problem to clear up, but first let’s look at how Rod’s hair swings in the breeze:


Anyway. “Here you are Bungle, here’s your birthday snake, because we’re all idiots.” At least they didn’t get him a real snake which he would have had to kill in self defence.


The misunderstanding is soon sorted out, and Jane saves the day by revealing she’s had a cake ready all along!


That’s a really good cake, apart from why does Bungle have a burnt face. Also, I think Bungle is supposed to be 8 years old judging by the candles. So next time he claims to be 3, just ignore him and call him a hairy liar.

Some DVDs I found on Amazon

The other day I ended up down the Amazon rabbit hole. I can’t remember what I was originally looking for, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t any of these.

Please note – this list also doubles up as my letter to Santa for this year.

How To Tie Your Tie 9 Million Different Ways


Contains knots for the following occasions:

Farting in a lift and blaming it on the guy who doesn’t speak English
Getting the giggles at a funeral
Winning a fight at the Primark sale rail

Not sure if it contains a knot for when you don’t wear a tie.

Awkward Couple’s Greatest Hits


I’m now taking bets on which one of these two finally managed to murder the other one. Either that, or this picture contains levels of sexual tension not seen since Foster and Allen.

Includes the hits ‘Jesus Norman, that joke stopped being funny after the first 17 times you told it’, ‘I should have married Keith’, and ‘Why do you never put the fucking butter back in the fridge? Why don’t you just eat it with a spoon you fat bitch’.

Bongo Twats


You know that guy called Tarquin/Hugo/Sebastian who’s a vegan and uses a typewriter in Starbucks? You have this guy to thank for him waking you up in the middle of the fucking night while he ‘expresses himself’.

Piss! The Video


I really want this to be a deliberate pun, but judging by the completely serious design, it isn’t. I think what it is is a documentary about men in the olden days drinking their own wee, while saying ‘verily’.

Massage Your Mate


In the UK, this title is likely to be taken the wrong way. Especially in Doncaster.

Anyway, this is definitely not a sex video. Definitely not. It’s ‘suitable for the entire family’. So family friendly, in fact, that Playboy reviewed it.

Also, what kind of family are you in where the only choices are playing Scrabble or massaging your grandma? Ew.

I can’t help feeling that the disc for this smells a bit like raw meat.

Ecstatic Dance


This is a lady who would prefer to be called ‘Nightingale Starswallow’, and who possibly uses phrases like ‘quantum vibrational chakra raising’.

I think this video teaches you how to do waving. It shouldn’t have ‘dance’ in the title if it’s all about waving – waving isn’t dancing. And she’s not even getting the waving right on the cover. She should watch the Queen on TV – there’s someone who knows how to do waving. This woman’s not the queen of anything, except being bad at waving.

She doesn’t look very happy either. This title is lying from start to finish.

Whatever This Is


I have no fucking clue what any of this means. Is it something about drumming? Drumming while on the phone? Why not just fucking call it ‘How To Do Drumming While On The Phone’ then?

Why is he sitting outside the Alton Towers Hotel.