Vintage magazine adverts part 2: twirly vaginas and forks by post

It’s time once again to delve into the murky underworld of questionable adverts aimed at housewives and the stupid. Today we have dead fish, cutlery by post, and some kind of Alex Salmond dog. Strap yourselves in lads…

1. The Biothythm Hotline


Have you got not enough biorhythms? Or too much biorhythms? Well this is the hotline for you! I think this is to do with getting health and XP. Other than that, I’m fucked if I know. It’s not as good as the Cones Hotline. Continue reading “Vintage magazine adverts part 2: twirly vaginas and forks by post”

Rainbow episode review: Take a picture it’ll last longer

This episode is so full of questions I don’t know where to begin. Questions raised include, but are not limited to, the following:

– Is George an orphan?
– How do you tell the sex of a zippy?
– Does Bungle get traumatised walking past Build A Bear?
– Dean Gaffney?

Let’s begin.

Zippy is going through a box of his old shit and bras. This includes one of Geoffrey’s socks, for reasons known only to Geoffrey. Maybe he was hiding it from the Russians. Zippy gets a really good look at the sock just to be sure.


Then Zippy finds an old photo of his grandma, which is in pristine condition despite having been crumpled up in that shoebox for the last five years. She’s in a weirdly sexy pose. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Take a picture it’ll last longer”

Rainbow episode review: Wheeler Dealers

Hello, today we’re going to be learning all about car boot sales. A car boot sale, if you’ve never been to one, is where you go to buy 10 lighters for a quid, copies of The Da Vinci Code, and second hand foot spas. For some reason, it’s usually necessary for this to be done at 5.30am.

Geoffrey has somehow managed to get his car through their garden gate. I imagine there’s now a smouldering pile of bricks where the garden wall used to be.

chuck norris

“Hello!” he yells, like a psychopath who’s just driven his car through a wall. “Today we’re going to have a car boot sale! Car boot sale! That sounds funny doesn’t it! Cars don’t wear boots, they have wheels!” Stop having a nervous breakdown Geoffrey, I don’t like it. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Wheeler Dealers”

Vintage magazine adverts part 1: stretch covers and raising the dead

Vintage magazine adverts part 1: stretch covers and raising the dead

I was going to write this last night, but I ended up playing The Deadly Tower Of Monsters instead. Do not judge me. Anyway, last year I inherited some old issues of Woman, Woman’s Own, Women’s Realm, Woman’s Wank etc. Because I am such a go-getter, they’ve been in the boot of the car for months. Now I’ve remembered to get them out of the car, I’ve discovered a treasure trove of people and companies trying to sell your their shit.

I can’t really figure out how to categorise these adverts, so I’ll just put up a random bunch at a time. For part 1, are you ready to collect thimbles and hear what Margaret Powell says about chicken? Me neither. Let’s go!


I turn to drink regularly, but not because I’m off my food. Sadly, I’m never off my food. Therefore, I shall never require the services of milk with this weird powder in it that “wheatens food in the cup”, whatever the hell that means. Continue reading “Vintage magazine adverts part 1: stretch covers and raising the dead”

Some childhood photos I found

I was rummaging through my files earlier this week, and I came across some photos showing me at my snotty, mulleted best.

The first is of me radding out like the Queen of Radland:


Please note my banging Turtles ensemble, complete with what I think was a shit knock off Turtles baseball cap with a transfer on it. Could also be Rainbow, I had a few. I wish the ‘Computer – enhance!’ thing they do on TV really existed. Continue reading “Some childhood photos I found”

Rainbow episode review: Rocket Man

The moral of today’s episode is ‘Why do something when you can get someone else to do it for you?’ Also, Geoffrey’s shirt. Fucking hell lads.

We begin pleasantly enough. Bungle, Zippy and George have trashed the living room with their clutter and bullshit. We’ll get to that, but first I must show you the shirt, so we all know what we’re dealing with:

shirt 2

As if Geoffrey owns an even better shirt than his Saved By The Bell opening credits one.

Geoffrey informs the others that “Have you forgotten? We’re going swimming? We need to hurry up!” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Rocket Man”

How to pull a sickie

You know how it is – you stayed up late last night, because you had to watch American Gladiators at midnight, because you’re poor and don’t have a long play video recorder. On top of that, you’ve got PE this morning, and you don’t want to run around in your cullottes losing at rounders with your fat on display.

There’s only one thing for it – start developing that dicky tummy you definitely had last night. Maybe you had some gone off turkey drummers? Or maybe you caught something from your friend who your mum thinks is “a bit common”.

Whatever – you’re now at death’s door and can’t go to school.

1 Continue reading “How to pull a sickie”