Gasp! Shit jokes in Rainbow Comic part 2

Gasp! Shit jokes in Rainbow Comic part 2

I didn’t have anything constructive to do this afternoon, so I thought I’d have another look through my ring binders of insanity.

As discussed in this post, the back pages of Rainbow Comic were a weekly delight, providing eager readers with jokes that made little to no sense. Here are some more I found, featuring accidental porn, statements of fact, and massive rage.

1: Inappropriate reactions

One of the most common reactions to someone telling a joke in the Rainbow house is “Oh no!” I’ve thought about this for about 17 hours in total, and I still can’t figure out how it’s an appropriate response.


However, even going “Oh no!” might not be as ridiculous as just gasping with fright.


They all seem prone to this:


They manage to be simultaneously awed and terrified by the the idea of horseshoes, and also by seeing Zippy holding a basket of eggs.

Don’t even mention to Bungle that he can move his feet.


In this one, Bungle and George are shocked that Zippy has made a joke about a door. To be fair, they’ve both been in a strange mood throughout the entire thing – why are they furious with Zippy before he’s even said anything? Bungle is especially menacing.


Seriously, try this yourself. Next time someone tells you a joke, just react with a horrified gasp, and see what kind of reaction you get. At the very least you’ll make the joke teller really paranoid, which is always fun.

I did spot a “Gasp!” which was justified, however. I’d have that reaction to seeing a fully grown man in a bear suit riding a donkey. That poor donkey.


2: Anger management

Right seriously, what the hell is Bungle’s problem?


I assume the “madness” part of “Musical Madness” refers to Bungle’s steroid-induced rage. At one point he’s about to punch Zippy in the face –


I can understand Bungle having the occasional meltdown, but Geoffrey should know better. Here he’s angry because he can’t do maths, or because the others didn’t give him enough time to do the sum, I’m not sure. Anyway, he’s gone so far into his pit of rage that all he can say is “FUME!”


That fucking escalated quickly.

3: When is a joke not a joke?

A: When it’s just Bungle pointing out that something’s a bit annoying.


B: When it’s Bungle failing to understand something as usual.


C: When someone asks what that noise is, and someone answers, and that’s it.


4: Censored

Is Bungle meant to have a massive hard-on in this one? Because that’s the vibe I’m getting thanks to all that strategically placed stuff:


No wonder George is scared.

5: Really Geoffrey? Shoes?

This joke isn’t actually bad. At least Bungle’s attempt at a pun makes sense, so he gets a ‘Well done for trying’ ribbon.


My problem isn’t with Bungle’s joke. My problem is with Geoffrey suddenly deciding to give a fuck about Bungle wearing shoes. Geoffrey, let’s not be a hypocrite here. You don’t seem to have a problem with Bungle failing to wear anything, including shoes, the rest of the time. I think you ought to concentrate on Bungle wearing underpants before you introduce exotic things like shoes to him. He already knows what a jacket is, so that’s a start anyway.

And to those who would argue that this is merely a contrivance to set up a joke, I say the following – piss off.

Rainbow episode review: sticking the pole up

This is one of my favourite episodes, because it involves Bungle wearing clothes that are clearly not his. I don’t think Bungle owns any clothes, apart from that one t-shirt that says ‘Bungle’ on it. I think he stole these clothes from a charity bag.

Anyway, this episode is called ‘Camping’, and the plot is that the gang decide to live rough in the woods for a week. Geoffrey tries to pass this off as a holiday, but it is no such thing. Living in a bag and shitting in a hole is not a holiday, it is a training exercise. I don’t care if there are cows to look at.

The gang arrive at the campsite (the middle of nowhere, just off the A64) in the Rainbow minibus. I have no idea where they got the Rainbow minibus; it is never mentioned again.


And speaking of things that are never mentioned again – Zippy and George are now inexplicably wearing Boy Scouts uniforms. This is despite George being scared of everything, and still using a potty (I’ll get to that). And there’s no way Zippy would be a Boy Scout, he’s far too badass to do whatever it is they do. Selling biscuits or something.

I notice Bungle isn’t a Scout. They probably didn’t invite him, or he couldn’t join because they didn’t have a uniform big enough for a fully grown bear. This is why Bungle has to steal his clothes from charity bags. Most likely though, they didn’t invite him because he would just whinge and get things wrong. No, I’m not speaking from my two weeks’ experience with the Guides.

We’ve established that Bungle is not wearing a Scouts uniform. Let’s have a look at what Bungle is wearing:


Oh Bungle, I love you with your stolen clothes and your weird shoulder flap.

The gang starts getting unpacked. “Right, it’s time to unload the van!” says Geoffrey brightly, before letting Bungle anywhere near the fucking thing.

Bungle gets the suitcase out of the van.

Spoiler alert: Bungle cannot be trusted with a task.


The suitcase pops open, sending Jane’s bras flying all over the Sussex countryside. Bungle’s reaction is excellent. When Geoffrey groans “Oh Bungle!” Bungle replies “Yes Geoffrey?” like fucking nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I suppose using Bungle’s frame of reference it hasn’t.

Ok, I must defend Bungle here. When the others throw six kinds of shit at him for flinging everything out of the suitcase, Bungle responds with “Well I’m sorry but you couldn’t have closed it properly!” This is very true. It’s entirely Geoffrey’s fault. This doesn’t excuse Bungle from being an idiot though.

Right, let’s get the tent up shall we? But first we have to find a suitable spot. Rod finds a good place:


But of course, the others find fault with it. Bungle says that the ground is “a bit bumpy Rod”, and Freddy points out all the “nasty cow messes”.

Oh brilliant Rod, just put the tent down on all the shit. Why don’t you just marry Bungle, you’re such a pair of idiots.

They move the tent three miles away, but then they can’t find the groundsheet. Bungle kindly offers to get it out of the suitcase, and is met with cries of “Don’t fuck the entire fucking universe up this time, do you hear?”

Then this happens:


Out of nowhere, Bungle is instantly desperate for a piss. Even my bladder’s not that bad, and I once pissed in a car.

George offers Bungle his potty. I’m not sure why, since A) he doesn’t seem to need a poo, and B) his gigantic arse would swallow up the relatively miniscule potty. Bungle politely declines, and goes in the bushes, where he is terrorised by a frog.


Seriously Bungle, how is that hat staying on? Did they staple it your fucking head?

Geoffrey and Rod put the tent up. Geoffrey and Rod do not know how to insert shockcorded pole into apex B, or that the grommet should be on the corner stake-out web.

This is their tent after about an hour:


A ha, Zippy and George are in the tent, which is why it is 20% erect. Seriously, why are they Scouts?


Geoffrey hits his finger with a hammer in a hilarious way, and then suddenly he’s an expert at tenting, and the tent goes up in five seconds. Look at his proud, manly stance:


Now they’re all settled, obviously the first thing they do is sing a song. About camping. I was going to get a shot of them all together, but I accidentally got this one instead, which I think is much more interesting.


Rod: “Bungle you fucking stink, what have you been doing?”

Bungle: “I merely pissed in this glass when that frog drove me out of the bushes. Would you like some?”

Rod: “Err get away from me you fucking weirdo.”

The gang sing a song about “When you go a-camping, what do you have to do?” And everyone comes up with tasks like “do some cooking”, “put the tent up”, “fetch the water”.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Forget the tin opener.
2.Get trench foot.
3. Go home.

Bungle looks like he’s off thinking about the likelihood of ethics in a solipsistic universe.


Then they all have “sausages” for tea. That’s it, just sausages. No bread, no nothing. The stupid vegans.

Then straight after tea it’s time for bed, because it’s getting on for 4 in the afternoon and they have a long day of fuck all tomorrow.


There’s no way that Rod, Jane and Freddy are sticking to those tents tonight.


10 fun things to do on a Saturday night

10 fun things to do on a Saturday night

I’ve been looking at that bloody website All Women Stalk again. This wasn’t my fault, I fell on it. Anyway, I was looking at ‘Ways to have fun with your boyfriend’, because apparently arguing about calibrating the TV while eating tuna doesn’t count as fun.

Their suggestions were rubbish, and included things like putting a face pack on the mister, which he wouldn’t have liked. Another list I read suggested strip poker, but the site had inexplicably illustrated this entry with a photo of Morrissey.

In the end we found ourselves watching a ropey woman get her flaps out on Babestation, while the mister read me the problem page in Take A Break. Do not judge us.

This has prompted me to realise that I can make a much better ‘fun activities’ list than the ones I found last night, so that is what I’m going to do.

Here, then, are things that cost up to no money, that you can do alone or with someone you can stand the sight of. But they must be done on a Saturday night – none of this Tuesday afternoon bollocks.

1: Stare into space


Turn this into a fun contest by sitting there not talking to each other and seeing who can stare into space the most. You can spice this activity up even more by thinking about uncomfortable things while you stare. Here are some thoughts to get you started:

“Do you remember that time you got pissed and did that really horrible thing?”
“Where would be the worst place to get a paper cut?”
“You should probably start being careful with which faces you pull now, you’re not getting any younger.”
“I hope the flat doesn’t suddenly explode.”

2: Take some drugs


Drugs are a fun way to bond with your partner, as well as with shopkeepers, strangers at the bus stop, and the police. I’m not entirely sure where you get drugs from, but there’s a man who stands outside our flat wearing a hoodie, so maybe try him?

If you’re bored of taking the same old heroin, why not change things up a bit and experiment? Root around your medicine cabinet to see if there are any out of date pills you can take. Or why not try putting something in the wrong hole? For example, I bet snorting toothpaste would produce some pretty interesting effects.

3: Have a screaming contest

screaming contest

This is great for the extroverts and the easily scared among us. It’s also a fun thing to do if you hate your neighbour because he blocked your car in once, and the excuse he gave was ‘I have a stepdaughter’. The winner is the first person to have blood actually come out of their ears.

It’s better to just do an incoherent scream – while screaming swears might be fun, it will decrease your volume and range, so these are best avoided. However, you should start screaming swears at some point during the evening, just because.

4: Do various shit with a Pringles tube


There are literally some things you can do with a Pringles tube. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Things you can do with a Pringles tube include taking turns to hit each other, using it as a play telescope, and eating the Pringles that are in it. If you have any more suggestions, don’t fucking bother me with them.

5: Have an argument


Arguing is a great way to communicate with your partner. It can be done alone, but solo arguing is advanced level, although it might explain why you’re alone in the first place. If you’re alone for the night but an arguing novice, I would suggest practising at the TV first. Remember to turn the TV on.

If you’re struggling for a topic, why not start with a discussion about which celebrity you’d have sex with if you could? This discussion is the gateway to a screaming match about ‘that thing you do with your arm’, ‘you are not calibrating the fucking TV again, what the fuck is wrong with you’, and my personal favourite – ‘FINE! WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING MARRY HER THEN!’

6: Pimp each other out


You know your partner is sexy, and the rest of the world deserves to know too. So why not try offering them around the neighbourhood for the low low price of, I don’t know, a quid? Turn it into a fun contest by seeing whose genitals earn the most money, and the loser has to do the washing up or something.

7: Mending


There’s always broken shit that needs mending. If you can’t find anything to mend, break something then mend it. If you’re having a fun night in with your partner, break something belonging to them. They won’t mind, because it will get mended, and anyway it’s all part of the Saturday night fun and japes.

A word of warning though – make sure you’re any good at mending before you start. Otherwise you’ll have to phone the man, and I think the man charges extra on a Saturday night.

8: Phone a sex line


You know those ladies on TV who talk on the phone, and sometimes they’re not very good at it because they’re holding the phone next to the wrong hole? Why not brighten up their evening by ringing them to chat about something other than sex? Or you can talk about sex if you want, they’re probably quite good at that. But I bet those ladies would welcome a debate about Epiphenomenalism.

However, do not ring the number then chicken out at the last minute and give the phone to me so I have to talk to her.

9: Do some lying


Make lying into a fun game by seeing who can tell the biggest lie. Add an extra bit of fun to the game by not telling your partner what’s going on. To date, the biggest lie I’ve ever told (apart from ‘I’m a size 12’) is ‘Gary Wilmot once asked to look at my tits while I was trying to order a sandwich at Subway, which was on the moon’. You’ll find you can get away with saying any old shit if you include a relatively obscure celebrity in your anecdote. And also if your partner isn’t listening. However, do not lie about things that actually happened, as this is just telling the truth.

10: Have a weeing up the wall contest


I don’t see why guys should have all the fun – women piss too, which is why it’s fun to challenge your partner to see who can do the most vertical wee. If you’re both female, this might possibly end up being a draw.

Anyway, ladies can use the following methods to extend their range:

  • Weeing through the Pringles tube (I’ve never actually tried this, but I assume that would work because of science)
  • Weeing really, really hard until you pull something
  • Using a water pistol that’s been pre-loaded with wee

It’s probably best not to use an interior wall for this, especially if you’ve just put a coat of ‘Dusky Plum’ on it.
You know what, I might still be a bit pissed from last night, so this whole thing probably makes no sense. Also, I wish I had a Foster and Allen mug.

Rainbow episode review: Inconsiderate Bastards

I’ve been doing important work for roughly the last forever. But now I’m done for a bit and, like Mole, I have emerged blinking into the sunlight. Naturally, the first thing I choose to do is write a sodding blog post about Rainbow.

This episode is called ‘Social Behaviour’, and the plot is as follows: Geoffrey loses his shit because he finally realises that everyone he lives with is a dick.

Our day begins early. I think it’s about 3 in the morning. Zippy can’t sleep with Bungle in the bed, so he gets up and puts some music on.

Reasons Zippy can’t sleep with Bungle in the bed –

1: Bungle is in the bed.

With this cleared up, Zippy puts on the kind of music that you’d normally hear over a cartoon training montage. This is the kind of music everyone should listen to on a morning:

Bungle and George are understandably pissed off with Zippy’s noise. I sympathise with them here. I have been known to punch people in the head if they wake me up.

Bungle refers to the “silly person” who put the music on. As you know, in the Rainbow universe, calling someone ‘silly’ is the equivalent of calling them a c***. So shit is going down here.

Geoffrey has also been woken up by the training montage. He barges into the bedroom and politely offers to kill Zippy if he doesn’t turn that fucking music off.

Also, is it me or is Bungle now really small or really far away?


Geoffrey demands that everyone gets up and has breakfast since they’re awake. This is despite it being 3 in the morning. I’m not sure why Geoffrey has to make everyone else get up with him. Maybe he can’t get breakfast on his own? Maybe he needs a bear to… make the tea?

George stays in bed doing whatever it is he does. No one really cares.

When we get downstairs, we discover that Bungle has left his assorted crap all over the floor, and that Zippy has eaten ALL THE FOOD IN THE HOUSE. Even I’ve never done that. I’m going to predict they’ll be forced to eat each other.

In Zippy’s defence, the only food they had in the house was half a box of cereal and some slices of bread.

This is pretty much Geoffrey’s face for the entire episode:


Geoffrey says they all have to go to the shop to get breakfast stuff. I’m not sure why they all have to go, because in some episodes, Bungle is clearly old enough to be left in charge of the others. Having said that, when Bungle is in charge, he does things like this:

bungle 14

This is why Geoffrey has to cart them all round with him now. He orders Bungle to pick all his crap up before someone falls on it and dies, then he goes to shout at George until he gets up.

The second he’s out of the room, Bungle and Zippy decide ‘Fuck this, let’s go be boring in the garden instead’.

George is in bed reading a comic. Two things:

1: Why does George wear curlers in his non-existent hair?
2: That comic. I don’t remember one where they’re all in Heaven and Geoffrey is Jesus.


Geoffrey tells George that if he doesn’t get up immediately he will kill him. Then he goes downstairs and slips on one of Bungle’s discarded pieces of crap. He shouts for some attention, but the others ignore him as he is acting like a big girl, and anyway they’re busy.


Luckily, Jane comes in from the kitchen, where she lives. She wibbles over Geoffrey for a bit, and then Bungle comes in, and he, Jane and Geoffrey have the greatest exchange known to man:

Bungle: “What are you doing down there Geoffrey, are you tidying up my toys?”
Jane: “Look Bungle, he slipped on a car!”
Bungle: “Well that was a silly thing to do!”
Geoffrey: “I’m going to lose my shit right fucking now you stupid turd in a bear suit!”

They help Geoffrey up and then Jane tells them they should all be ashamed of themselves, and that it would serve them right if Geoffrey sold them for medical experiments.


Jane offers to go to the shop when she’s finished rehearsing with Rod and Freddy. I like this screenshot:


The next bit raises questions. Geoffrey keeps remembering more stuff he wants Jane to pick up from the shop, so he keeps hobbling over and interrupting their rehearsals.

These are my questions:

1: Where did Geoffrey get a walking stick from?
2: Which is more likely – that Rod Jane and Freddy are rehearsing in the next room, or that Geoffrey has hobbled all the way to their house to nag Jane?
3: If it’s the latter, why didn’t Geoffrey just hobble to the fucking shop?


This backs up my theory that Rod Jane and Freddy live in Geoffrey’s kitchen.

Geoffrey is taking the piss though. Jane was only going for milk, and now he wants stuff like “a pound of carrots” and “a pound of spring greens”. I thought she was only going to the corner shop? My local shop doesn’t do things like “a pound of spring greens”, but if you want Halloween stickers, out of date crisps or porn mags with names like ‘Dinnerlady Tits’, it’s the place to go.

Later on everything’s gone back to normal, and the gang are sat round having a cup of tea. I’d just like to take a second here to mention Geoffrey’s fantastic double denim, which I really should have done earlier but I forgot.


Jane is still in auto-nag mode though. She starts going on yet again about how Zippy, George and Bungle are inconsiderate shits, and then out of nowhere she decides they’re all going to act out the rhyme ‘Two Fat Gentlemen’. I think she’s trying to teach them that they should bow whenever Geoffrey greets them? Geoffrey sits there looking thoughtful, while Zippy has possibly just seen a flash of Jane’s knickers.


And here we leave the Rainbow gang for another day. I think the moral of this episode is ‘Don’t be an inconsiderate bastard’. And that Geoffrey should have bought more food in the first place. And that Bungle can’t be trusted to be in the house on his own while you go to the shop, because he’ll just pretend to be Superman and fuck all will get done.

Rainbow: Bungle leads the Labour Party

Have you ever thought to yourself “I wish I could watch the Labour Party crisis play out but with Bungle instead of Jeremy Corbyn?” Me too, which is why I’m so glad the episode ‘King For A Day’ exists.

Introducing our cast –

Bungle as Jeremy Corbyn
Geoffrey as Tom Watson
Jane as Diane Abbott
Zippy and George as everyone else in the Labour Party

We begin our story with a meeting of the PLP. They’re all making paper hats, which is what they do in real life. Tom Watson is making food, which is what he does in real life.


Bungle: “I’m making a crown so I can wear it at meetings. Then all you fuckers will respect me.”

Zippy and George: “Dream on Steptoe, we’ll just make you go sit in the corner like we always do.”

Geoffrey: “Never mind that, I’ve made a load of food. Look at all my food.”

Bungle: “This is fucking bullshit. What do I have to do to assert my authority? I was hoping this crown would do the trick. I’m out of ideas after this.”

Zippy: “You could try not hating Europe you fucking idiot.”

Bungle: “I do not hate Europe! There was that time where I helped Geoffrey learn French so he could write to his pen pal!”

Later on, the PLP are in bed. Zippy and George are discussing fiscal policy and the fact that Bungle smells funny.


Bungle: “Shut up you two. When I’m king I’m going to make it illegal to say I smell.”

George: “Why did you let Geoffrey eat all that food when he swore he’d made it for all of us?”

Bungle: “Shut up George, I’ve got a mandate, you haven’t even got two arms.”

George: “Shit I think Geoffrey’s coming. Look busy.”


Geoffrey: “Have you guys got anything else to eat?”

Zippy: “Fuck off Geoffrey, we were just about to oust Bungle by giving him a chinese burn.”

Geoffrey fucks off, and the PLP settle down to sleep. Bungle mulls over the day’s events.


Bungle: “What, you think I’m planning to oust the monarchy and become king myself? I couldn’t possibly comment on that…”

With that, Bungle falls asleep. We enter Bungle’s dream, and find that he has indeed become king…


Geoffrey: “Oh God I’m SO FUCKING HUNGRY!”

Bungle: “There’ll be no food for you my lad, not until you’ve finished the deselections.”

Zippy: “Bungle, look what your deputy has done! There were 70 of these an hour ago!”


Bungle: “Fucking brilliant, that was the last of the sugar. We’re going to have to invade somewhere to get some more.”

Geoffrey: “Shut up you can’t prove it was me.”

Bungle: “Where is my royal consort?”

Jane is sent for. While Bungle waits for her to arrive, he and the PLP discuss the forthcoming invasion.

George: “We should invade Belgium. They must have a shitload of sugar there. Or Switzerland.”

Zippy: “No not Switzerland. I don’t want anything to happen to my bank account.”

George: “Belgium it is then. Hurrah!”

Zippy: “Wait, I thought we were against invading places?”

George: “Don’t be silly.”

The royal consort arrives.

king 10


Bungle: “Why have you brought the Lib Dems with you?”

Jane: “I needed a lift.”

Bungle: “Well tell them to go. Me and you have got sex to do. And then plotting.”

Jane: “Oh God Bungle you’re so sexy. However, I heard a rumour that Zippy and George are planning to lock you in a cupboard so you can’t do any kinging.”

Bungle: “WHAT? They wouldn’t dare.”

Jane: “Shhhh, they’re coming.”


Zippy: “Oh hello Jane. I didn’t know you were coming.”

Jane: “What? What was that? Did anyone else hear a whining noise just then?”

Bungle: “Look what I can do with my cape!”

Zippy: “For fuck’s sake Bungle, how many times? It’s not a fucking cape.”

George: “Anyway Bungle, we need to talk.”

Jane: “Bungle, do you want to order them to pass any messages on through me? I don’t mind.”

Bungle: “No it’s ok my lovely, I have a mandate. And a cape.”

George: “The thing is, Bungle, this whole thing isn’t working out. It’s not you, it’s me. I mean, you’re smashing and everything, but maybe we should start being led by other people…”

Bungle: “What? Are you dumping me?”

Geoffrey: “Does anyone want that last jam tart?”

Jane: “Oh, sorry Geoffrey, my blood sugar’s low.”


Zippy: “Right that’s it, you guys have to go.”

Bungle: “Like fuck I’m going anywhere. If you want my mandate and my cape you’re going to have to fight me for it. What about an arm wrestling match?”

Zippy: “That’s below the belt.”

George: “Look, you have failed as king. We have no sugar left. Furthermore, I read your diary last night, and I saw the bit about how you’re planning to ban oxygen. This has gone far enough now.”

Bungle: No, fuck you, you’re just jealous of my kinging. Anyway, Jane will support me.”

Jane: Damn right lover.”

Zippy: “Yeah well Geoffrey will back us up. Won’t you Geoffrey?”

Geoffrey: “Can anyone else smell chips?”

Bungle: “If you two don’t shut up I’m going to ban you. Then you’ll have to leave my kingdom.”

George: “But what about your subjects?”

Bungle: “Do they have a cape? No they don’t. So they can just shut up.”

Jane: “Stop ganging up on him you pair of bastards!”

The Party is now descending into chaos.


Bungle: “Why are the Lib Dems still here? Will you two fuck off!”

Jane: “Don’t worry Bunglykins. I’m loyal to you, if they try anything I’ll hit them with a Guardian.”

Bungle: “Thank you darling. Oh, and thanks for that retweet the other day.”

Zippy: “Never mind retweets. Look Bungle, this is getting serious, the people are revolting.”

Bungle: “Yes they are.”

George: “Geoffrey, you have to step in here. Help us out. If you’re on our side then Bungle’s outnumbered, and we can all kick him up the arse until he goes.”

Geoffrey: “Sigh. Fine. Look Bungle, I think you should stop dicking about now.”

Bungle: “Jane – ATTACK!”


Jane attacks. Zippy and George run away, fearing for their lives. Geoffrey runs away five minutes later, after checking there definitely aren’t any more jam tarts.

Bungle, in a moment of clarity, realises he has no servants, and is now stuck with Jane.

Bungle: “Oh God what have I done?”

Jane: “Good job lover. Now we can sit here and you can listen to me going on and on and on about how everyone else is wrong…”

Bungle wakes from his nightmare, relieved to find out he isn’t really king.

Bungle: “Oh you guys it was horrible. Geoffrey ate everything, and we were going to have to invade Belgium, and then Jane tried to sit on me and do sex.”

king 14

Zippy and George: “Bungle, what the hell are you talking about?”

Bungle: “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”


A tribute to Master System box art

A tribute to Master System box art

I don’t play modern videogames. I’m no good at them because you have to have seven thumbs to be able to work them properly.

That’s not to say I’m particularly good at old games either. I can just about get the man to move around, but that’s it. Most of the time I’m better off just staring at the box and imagining what the game would be like were I any good at it.

These are my favourite box arts that I like to look at.

Impossible Mission

Impossible Mission

In the top right we have our hero doing the classic ‘Nerrr, you’re a div and a wanker’ action, which is entirely what you’d associate with an action platformer. Presumably he’s calling that bald man a div. Or he’s calling his three other selves divs. None of the four are really doing anything that helpful.



Look how happy they are to be beating the shit out of each other.

My Hero


‘My hero’ is not someone who stands there and repeatedly gets punched in the face. Again, why is he so happy to be getting punched in the face? I bet he’s friends with the Vigilante guys, and they all go to each other’s houses and have a fight, then watch Countdown.

Pro Wrestling

Pro Wrestling

Right. What? Hang on, what? Is he wrestling himself? And pulling his own head off? And then doing that knuckle thing on his own head that indicates mild japes and bullying? That’s the sort of thing your big brother would do to you, apart from pulling your head off. I’m so confused.

And that concludes my reasoned analysis of this cover.



Sometimes I like to look at the box and imagine what the game is like even though I’ve never played it. I think this is a game about the world’s best microwave, and you have to cook things in it (possibly a zillion things), and then defend it from people who are trying to steal it.

You should never put your shoes in the microwave. Trust me.

Phantasy Star


I have no problem with the giant flying eyeball. I have no problem with the cat/rabbit thing with tusks. I don’t even have a problem with the main lady having square tits. What I do have a problem with is that muscly man in a bikini on the right. The one that’s possibly a really really angry lady. Personally I think it’s a man who’s angry because he has to wear that bikini. I bet he was supposed to wear something really manly and cool, but he forgot to bring it, so he had to wear something from the Lost Property box. So it was either wear the bikini or wear someone’s old Wham t-shirt that has a stain on it and smells of wee.

Wonder Boy in Monster Land


There seems to be a recurring theme of cheerful violence here. Look how happy he is to be twatting someone in the face with a big sword. I’m not sure why his opponent has mud flying off his shoes, given there’s no mud on the ground. And no ground. Wonder Boy has hair like Carry On era Barbara Windsor.

Time Soldiers

time soldiers

That dinosaur is laughing at that guy and going “You’re shooting the wrong way, pissflap, I’m over here.” Meanwhile, the guy’s friend is hissing “Jesus Frank, you promised me you knew what you were doing. I should have come here on my fucking own. You’re doing this on purpose to embarrass me aren’t you. Just because I laughed at you not being able to spell DFS. Fuck you Frank you fucking idiot.”

Space Harrier


I understand this is quite a famous game, but I’ve never played it. I should play it, because I want to know why there’s a tiny man trying to point a screwdriver at a load of peas that have become self aware and formed a trade union.

8 summer activities for if you hate summer

8 summer activities for if you hate summer

Hello. It’s fucking June, which means it’s fucking summer. Last week I conducted a poll, and 100% of 1 participant voted summer the second worst time ever, losing only to that time that meteor killed all the dinosaurs.

Since it stops raining sometimes during summer, people can feel pressured into doing things other than daring each other to lick that thing they found under the settee. If you’re one of those people, and are struggling to find a fun summer activity, look no further. Here are 10 ideas to pass some time and make your summer be over as quickly as possible.

1. Complaining


Complaining is a brilliant use of your time no matter what time of year it is, but it is especially productive in summer. Here are some complaints to get you started:

“It’s too hot.”
“It’s too bastard hot.”
“It’s not hot enough.”
“That man ate my salad.”
“Get your fucking leg away from me.”
“I can’t see I’ve gone blind.”

Nb. If it rains in June, even for five seconds, be sure to say “Well, I guess we’ve had our summer for the year then!” Everyone will smile at you and be your friend.

2. Sitting indoors with the curtains closed


picture unrelated

If you do this right you get to pretend that summer isn’t happening, and that the outside world gave up and went home. The aim of the activity is to block out every possible source of natural light in your house until it’s so hot and dark it’s like you’re up someone’s bum.

There are several ways you can achieve this:

1: Shut your curtains
2: Sellotape bin bags over the windows
3: Fill all cracks with that crack filling stuff, or toothpaste
4: Glue your door shut
5: Shut your eyes for three months

If you’re lazy or a bit tired, skip straight to #5. You might want to set your alarm clock for 9pm in October.

3. Looking at cows


Summer is all about getting fresh air and getting back to nature and shit. There’s probably a cow near you. Or a dog or something. Go outside and look at it for a bit. Then go home. People also chew on hay in the summer because all the shops are shut and they can’t get any food.

4. Fighting


Fighting is an excellent way to diffuse all the tension that’s built up due to being a human fucking fireball. If you’re pressed for time, you can stay at home and fight with family. However, if you have a day off, or you got sacked for stealing, why not try fighting with a stranger? It will liven up their day and give them a fun anecdote to tell their boring friends later, when they’re all at the Coldplay gig.

Because it’s summer, it’s generally accepted that you don’t need a reason to start a fight other than ‘it’s a bit hot’. This differs from winter, because the only legal reason to fight in winter is if you’re trying to get the last tub of ‘Richard Hammond novelty talcum powder’ on Christmas Eve.

Back to fighting. Here are some moves I like to use:

– Nipping
– Doing that thing where you pull someone’s top over their head
– Running away
– Trying to wave a wasp towards them with a bit of paper

The winner is the one not trying to start a fight with a stranger in the park. Unless your opponent starts crying, in which case you are the winner.

5. Hypochondria


We all know that summer is the most perilous time of year. Hot weather is dangerous because it can potentially give you several illnesses, all of which you will get instantly at 12.01am on June 1st.

It’s better to be safe than sorry, so it’s a good idea to assume you have all the following diseases, and then to google these diseases, which will lead to you discovering 53 more diseases you didn’t realise you had. Summer is the seasonal equivalent of drinking knock off Red Bull you made yourself with Cillit Bang.

Summer diseases:

– Dysentry
– Rickets
– Bubonic Plague
– Feeling a bit hot
– Mumps
– Dandruff

Remember, you definitely have all these diseases, and it’s all the public’s fault because they won’t stop sitting next to you on the bus and they breathe.

6. Setting fire to food


Hot weather leads to electricity shortages, which in turn leads to no one’s oven working until the man says so. But you can’t eat cold food, that is a stupid idea and leads to participating in #5. So in summer people must improvise and attempt to burn food and then pick over the charred remains like the Neanderthals they are.

Some people have a machine for burning food called a ‘barbecue’, but these cost upwards of £7000, which most people can’t afford because they’ve just spent all their money on bin bags and toothpaste. If you don’t have access to a barbecue, try waving your food over a candle for a bit. This might cook a corner of your food, or it might not, I’m not sure. One time I tried to cook a slice of bread with a lighter and it just went on fire.

You could also try rubbing two sticks together really fast, and then eating the sticks.

7. Queuing


People queue for all kinds of fucking nonsense in summer, like tennis and injections. If you want to queue without the hassle, why not try queuing up for something no one else is queuing for, like a bin or a wall. Be careful though, because people are idiots and will join your queue if they see you queuing. But at least you’ll be at the front of the queue, and can keep them standing there all day for no reason.

8. Discussing going out

bungle bear

We’ve all been there – sitting round being so bored you’re trying to see if you can kick yourself in the face. This low point is an excellent time to discuss going out. If you don’t have anyone to discuss going out with, you can probably rent someone. Or phone the Cones Hotline.

Here’s a rough template for your conversation Let’s call our speakers A and B.

A: “Isn’t it lovely outside?”
B: “Shut up.”
A: We shouldn’t be wasting this lovely weather cooped up inside, let’s go out and get some fresh air!”
B: “…”
A: I’m going to Google local attractions, and maybe we could pack a picnic.”
B: (mutters) “Maybe I could kick you in the fanny.”
A: “There’s a pottery exhibition at Crappington hall!”
B: “No.”
A: “Olde worlde merriment and loom class?”
B: “No.”
A: “Charity sheepdog trials?”
B: “No.”
A: “Over 65s all-comers amateur maypole championships?”
B: “I’m trying to watch Wheeler Dealers.”

A compromise is eventually reached, where both parties agree to stay indoors with the curtains shut, complaining that they still can’t see the TV properly because of the bastard sun. Both parties then move to Glasgow to ensure this never happens again.