Diary of an 80s teenager part 4: Tony drama, and Alec’s van breaks down

Diary of an 80s teenager part 4: Tony drama, and Alec’s van breaks down

Welcome back to our tale of teenage life, which so far seems to include going to Bangor and sort-of-phoning-Tony-but-not-really. As usual, comments by me are in italics.

Since this part is quite text-heavy, I’ve included an 80s photo of my sister. She won’t mind because I didn’t ask her.

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18/01/82

“Woke up 8.30. Andrea came. Got double Welsh. Had General Science with Tony. Came home, played records. Watched Coronation Street, Let There Be Love. Watched Last Of The Summer Wine. Started to take sandwiches.”

If you’re interested, the plot of Coronation Street that day was as follows (thanks to Coronation Street Wikia):

“Annie is invited to the 200th anniversary banquet of Newton & Ridley. Alec’s van breaks down. Margaret Swain calls on Emily and she tells Emily how Arnold ran out on her after their honeymoon. Emily is appalled that all Arnold told her about his unhappy marriage was lies and that he took her on honeymoon to the same hotel where he took Margaret. Annie has difficulty in finding an escort to the party. Margaret Swain tells Emily that Arnold left her nothing in his will and thinks it unfair that Emily inherited £2,000. Emily feels sorry for her. Betty takes pity on Alec and takes him in as a lodger.”

19/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, had double Sociology, Mr Black wasn’t in school so we got free lesson. Andrea asked me to go to her house on Friday. Watched Jim Davidson, Don’t Rock The Boat, Solo, Muck & Brass.”

20/01/82

“Woke up 8.30. Had film in Computer Studies. Had Maths test, got 8/8. (I’d be worried if she’d said ‘Got 9/8’.) After came home played records with Maggie. Watched Grange Hill. Went to M.B. Disco, only Lawrence was there. (Sounds like Lawrence is A) friendzoned or B) your relation. The important thing is that Tony wasn’t there. I don’t know, could Lawrence be an outside shot?) Rhian was there.”

21/01/82

“Woke up 8.35, Andrea came. She asked my mother if I could sleep in her house. I don’t want to though. (Come on S, stand up for yourself. If her house smells of wee and she smells of wee too, just say ‘No, I’m busy that month.’ Now I’m obsessed with ‘does Andrea’s house smell of wee?’) Mandy came, had cake and oven crusties. (Eeew.) Lended her Beach Boys album. Started to get tonsillitis.”

(Sorry, what? You’re being very casual about that.)

22/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, feeling terrible. Didn’t go to school till 10.30. Went to Andrea’s. Mam phoned 8.00 clock. Stayed the night. Watched Gentle Touch. Played 3 Little Words in bed.”

(So you went to Andrea’s even though you didn’t want to because her house smells of wee, and even though you’ve got tonsillitis? Seriously, I cannot help you now. Not least because I wasn’t born until a year later.)

23/01/82

“Read comics in bed with Andy. (What? Who is Andy? Is this now a love pentagon? I’ve lost count.) Went home after Dallas.”

24/01/82

“Stayed in bed till 3.30. Went downstairs, watched Grange Hill.”

(And then presumably fell into a coma until the next day.)

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25/01/82

“Woke up 12.20, went downstairs, had oxtail soup. Watched film – Spirits Blythe, it was a brilliant film. Watched Coronation Street, Let There Be Love, Last Of The Summer Wine, Police. (Police?) Dad got me jigsaw.”

26/01/82

“Woke up 12.20, went downstairs, felt a bit better. (I can’t believe that bitch Andrea made you stay over when you were at death’s door. The bitch.) Had tomato soup. Nothing much on telly, except Born And Bred. Watched The Waltons, Jim Davidson, Don’t Rock the Boat, and Muck & Brass.”

27/01/82

“Woke up 12.20, went downstairs, had dinner, watched telly. Maggie came after school, she told me about Valentine disco. Watched Coronation Street and Minder. Tony was in Menai Bridge disco.

(OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE! THE ONE TIME YOU DON’T GO HE’S THERE? FUCK THIS AND ALL THE THINGS I STAND FOR. I’M UPSET.)

(Unless you did go.)

28/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, was in agony, because of periods. My bladder was numb, it was very painful. Mrs Vaughn came to see how I was. Watched Top Of The Pops.”

29/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school, everyone said why did I bother coming on a Friday. Got a lot of copying up to do, didn’t do Gym. Mam went to lecture (I swear that says ‘8.70’. 70 minutes past 8?), Dad went to bowls meeting, had house to myself.”

30/01/82

“Went to Bangor, bought blouse. Went to Deiniolen.”

31/01/82

“Went to church, saw Mini Marathon, went to Auntie Joan’s.”

INTERMISSION

sally

I’ve always had all kinds of questions about this photo.

Anyway.

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01/02/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. More copying up to do. Had General Science with Tony. I still like him. Watched Coronation Street, Let There Be Love, Last Of The Summer Wine and Police.”

(“I still like him.”)

i like him

02/02/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Got Human League L.P. back from Mandy. Chips nicked it from me in Commerce. I hope I get it back tomorrow. (If you don’t, I suggest shoving his head down the loo and flushing it. I don’t like the sound of this ‘Chips’.) Studied Biol for test tomorrow.”

03/02/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Got L.P. back from Chips in one piece, thank God. Didn’t get biol test, having it on Friday. Went to Menai Bridge disco, Andrea came, had lift home with her.”

04/02/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school, had double General Science, with Tony. He called me a “fuckin’ horror”. It really hit me hard. Had Sociology in 6th form block. Watched Top Of The Pops, Shoestring.”

(Tony why do that? Why?)

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05/02/82

“Woke up 9.00, was late for school. Maggie didn’t do Gym, because she had a cold. Had English and Biol test, did quite well in Biol. Watched Fall Guy, Shine On Harvey Moon & Gentle Touch.”

06/02/82

“Went to Bangor. Went swimming with Andrea.”

07/02/82

“Went to church. Cleaned Maggie’s car. (I think. Could be ‘ear’.) Lent John’s L.P. Foreigner 4.”

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08/02/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Sarah decided to come to the disco in school. Tony was absent, I didn’t get General Science with him. Went for a walk after C. Street, watched man putting steam roller on lorry.”

(That’s the spirit.)

09/02/82

“Woke up 8.35, had double Sociology. Had R.E. with Mr. Rogers, student, again, he was a heck of a laugh. After school, went to Bangor, bought green blouse for disco. Went to see HMS Pinafore, with Auntie Ann, Uncle Tom, Auntie Enid and Dad. Maggie also came.”

10/02/82

“Woke up 8.40, was not late for school though. Had computer programme on telly. Had Biol test paper back, I had 26 ½/50, which is 53%. Watched Coronation Street, Benny Hill, and Minder.”

11/02/82

“Woke up 8.30, had double General Science with Tony. Mandy lent me her make up, experimented when I got home. Had 50p off Mrs Vaughn. Watched Shoestring.”

12/02/82

Valentine Disco

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school (FFS look, can you just make a note of it if for some reason you didn’t go to school? Otherwise I’ll just assume you did.), did Cross Country in rain, had to run through the vill. in shorts. (Annie Agro is such a bitch.) Went to Valentine disco at 8 o’clock. Rhys Parry was there, but Tony wasn’t. (Rhys Parry? I make that a love hexagon now.) Andrea and Sarah came.”

13/02/82

“Phoned Tony. Went to Bangor. Watched O.T.T. and Dallas.”

(I have a feeling Tony’s phone call consisted of teenage breathing and not much else. I’m still mad at Tony though.)

14/02/82

“Had no cards. Went to church. Saw Wood & Walters (In church?).”

(‘Had no cards’. Mate. Once again you’ve reduced me to a blubbering mess. As soon as they invent time travel I’ll come back and take you out on the lash.)

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Oh well, let’s leave S here for now. You know what? I’m not entirely sure I’m on Team Tony any more. Maybe I’ll switch my allegiance to Team Mrs. Vaughn.

Tampons and stealing: 12 upcoming charity months

Personally, I love being told what to do every single fucking month. I find myself enjoying Veganuary so much I forget to look forward to Stoptober.

I’ve compiled a list of all the upcoming rhyming charity shit for next year, so you can live through this hell with me. Mark these in your diary.

Tamponuary

pretty young lady riding a horse on the beach in early morning

Everyone has to wear white and ride a horse. Other than that, no idea what you do. Something to do with women’s shit presumably.

Plebuary

plebs

Everyone spends the month doing things they consider beneath them, such as not reading the Guardian. Bonus points if you can prove you have a ‘working class friend’.

Eat Starch for March

starch for march

Eat some chips. Question mark profit. At least you care, not like those ignorant people.

Yaypril

yaypril

Everyone decides to stop having clinical depression for the month, and to snap out of it. They then do fun things like raising their arms.

Gay for Pay for May

gay for pay for may

Self-explanatory. All proceeds go towards biscuits.

Watch Boon for June

boon

You know the one with Michael Elphick in it? That. Raises awareness of something or other. Or you could watch Home To Roost, that was pretty good too.

Duel-y

shadow

All global conflicts must be settled by beating Shadow at Duel. Of course, we all remember last year’s controversy, when Shadow faced the U.N., who were disqualified because they couldn’t all fit on the podium.

Whoregust

whoregust

Everyone rents out their genitals. Car boot sales are fun during this month.

Kleptember

kleptember

Everyone must steal a minimum of 10 items. Stealing big items gets you extra points. So, for example, you won’t raise much awareness by stealing a ring pull, but you will by stealing a museum. Everyone on Twitter will call you an ‘inspiration’.

Cock-blocktober

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Nobody gets any until Bonfire Night. That’ll learn you. You should have gone to the car boot sales two months ago. Raises awareness of the fact that Nice Guys are owed sex in return for lending you a pen.

NOvember

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You know that thing you like doing? Stop it. No one’s allowed to do anything.

Dickember

dickember

To raise awareness of men having dicks, all men are encouraged to walk round with their dicks out. If you call it a ‘willy’ you are disqualified. If you don’t have a dick (for example, because you’re a woman), you can borrow one from a neighbour. Thinking about it, this might be a real one.

Diary of an 80s teenager part 3: Let’s phone Tony!

Diary of an 80s teenager part 3: Let’s phone Tony!

In last week’s gripping instalment, we discovered that S failed to write in her diary for several months, because she was in such a state of catatonic lust over Tony. We now join S in the run up to Christmas, and find her being visited by 37,000 different relatives, and opening her Christmas presents. Plus, stay tuned for a shock development with Tony…

(spoiler alert – it’s not a shock development if you’ve read the title)

Notes: Comments by me are in italics as usual. This part has been a bastard for indecipherable words, so feel free to chime in and correct me. For obvious reasons, I’ve censored all phone numbers (cough *Tony* cough).

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21/12/81

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school. Had Story of Wil (I think), in Welsh, it was very funny. Forgot my dinner money, had to lend from G.T. After tea, went to Andrew’s house. (Does Paul/Tony/the millions of other guys you’ve got going on know about this?) Had five pounds off Auntie Gracie. Last part Gwen Tomas. (I think this is what this is – if I’m wrong please correct me.) Dad brought Xmas drinks home.”

22/12/81

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school. Donna brought me Adam + The Ants L.P. Had lovely school dinner, pizza, beetroot, chips, doughnut. (Beetroot?) Watched Jim Davidson show, Starburst, and Brideshead Revisited (last part).”

23/12/81

“Woke up 10.00. Cooked mince pies, watched Pinocchio. Also cooked jam tarts. After dinner, which was mashed pilchards, watched film, Man In The Iron Mask. At 9.00pm watched White Christmas film.”

(Is it me, or has S’s prose become erratic and disjointed thanks to the flame of love burning for Tony? Also, she’s changed pens, the hussy.)

24/12/81

“Woke up 8.45. Went to Kwiks and travel agent. Then went to Nain’s. Came home. Had prawn curry for dinner. Auntie Gena came. (Well, it looks like ‘Gena’, but apparently the name ‘Gena’ means “the lateral part of the head of an insect or other arthropod below the level of the eyes.” So I guess not. Also, no Kwik Save flaps yet.)

25/12/81

“Woke up 8.00. Opened presents, got record player, albums, record case, socks, chocolates. Had Christmas dinner, watched Tom Thumb, and Top Of The Pops, And Doctor No. Watched Last Of The Summer Wine.”

presents

26/12/81

“Woke up 10.15. Watched Tiswas. Nain stayed for tea.”

27/12/81

“Woke up 9.15. Went to church. Auntie Enid came to tea and dinner.”

(Dear diary, sorry can’t write much in you. Too in love with Tony/Paul. See October/November for further details.)

28/12/81

“Woke up 9.30. Went to get Maggie to go Bangor. There were sales everywhere. Mam bought a pair of shoes. I bought cookery book, 2 biros, marker, bag, writing pad. Watched Slipper + The Rose. And Close Encounters.”

29/12/81

“Woke up 9.45. Auntie Eleri, Uncle John, Nain and Dafydd came for me, to go to (either Bryn Goleu or Bryngolau, not sure which). Elfryn was there. Elfryn went hunting pheasants. Had a lovely dinner there. Watched Jack Lemmon film.”

(Please God don’t let Elfryn be Tony part 3. I can’t keep up. And at least I can spell ‘Tony’.)

30/12/81

“Woke up 10.30, went to make hairdressing appointment. Watched Nancy Drew Mysteries. Played records till 2.45. then went to hairdressers. Got a nice style. I went to Llansadwrn, got lovely supper. Watched Jack Lemmon film.”

(Someone likes Jack Lemmon. And considering you had about one channel back then, you were spoilt for choice.)

31/12/81

“Went to Bangor. Bought mod parka, and cords. Went to Nain’s, Mam went home, had party. (Wait, this reads like your mum went home and had a party because you were out.) Elfryn and Alan sleeping in Nain’s. (I can’t keep up with all these men.) I also slept in Nain’s.”

01/01/82

“Woke up 9.30, went to wake up Elfryn and Alan. Went down to (Kan-Mor? Ran-Mor? Any help here?) with Elfryn and Alan. Came back to Nain’s, had dinner. Fixed Auntie (Aena’s? Oena’s? This must be what I thought was ‘Gena’) car. Elfryn showed me how to shoot. He promised to pass his driving test.” (Or what?)

02/01/82

“Woke up 11.30. Went to Bangor. Bought Gosh It’s Bad Manners.”

03/01/82

“Went to church. Watched Carry On Doctor. Nain came. Elfryn left for Cottesmore 12.45.”

(Jesus Christ can you please just write ‘went for lunch with John’ just once so I don’t have a headache?)

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04/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school, in parka. Had double General Science, with Tony. (TONY!) Auntie (could it be Rena?) and Auntie Maggie were here. Watched Maggie programme (presumably about Thatcher, not about your auntie). New Dr Who started, also watched dancing girls.”

05/01/82

“Woke up 8.35, went to school. Had Sociology. After, came home, played records, watched Jim Davidson. Pulled down decorations after Christmas. (As you know.) Watched dancing girls.”

06/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, Andrea came. Had double C-Studies. Came home, played records, had tea. Watched Grange Hill, went to Menai Bridge disco, the (f) was in Menai Bridge. Little Chef got robbed.”

(I don’t know where to start here. Little Chef got robbed? Or what the hell is the (f)? I don’t know where to start, so I won’t bother, and will just eat Twiglets instead.)

07/01/82

“Woke up 8.25. Andrea came. Went to school. Had double General Science. (No Tony?) After school went to Andrea’s house. Got chile con carne for tea. Came home, Aunty Hilda was here.”

(Just how many fucking relatives does she have?)

08/01/82

“Went to school but in Computer Studies we got sent home, because of the snow. Watched film, (Ok, this really looks like ‘Arsenal Arena Mystery’. Is this a film? If not, why not? It should be.) Watched Sherlock Holmes, and Play Your Cards Right, and Gentle Touch.”

(Seriously, it is ‘Arsenal Arena Mystery’.)

EDIT: Thanks to Joe (see comments), it’s The Arsenal Stadium Mystery.

09/01/82

“Woke up 10.30. Didn’t go to Bangor. Watched Dallas.”

10/01/82

“Didn’t go to church. Cooked tea. Salmon pancakes.”

(Didn’t go to Bangor? Didn’t go to church? Sounds like ennui setting in.)

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11/01/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school. Wore trousers instead of skirt. Had General Science with Tony. Came home, went out to play in snow. Watched Coronation Street. Had Prawn Cocktail.”

12/01/82

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school. Had Sociology. In the afternoon, got Double Commerce, came home. Watched television, new programme started, Muck And Brass, with man from Not The 9 o’clock News in it.”

13/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Tried Basic on computer. Tried to get John to come to disco in Menai Bridge. Came home. (What did John say? Who even is John?) Had tea, went to Menai Bridge disco. (With John?) Barnie and Lawrence were there. Barnie did mod dance to Human League. Had good laugh.”

(Me too.)

14/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, Andrea came, had double General Science with Tony. (Wait, is Tony a teacher or something?) He smiled at me, I nearly fainted. Then Andrea came for tea, cooked rice and fish. Made trifle. Watched Barbara Streisand film.”

15/01/82

“Woke up 8.30, Andrea came. In Gym, walked round Trem Eryri, with Annie Agro. Came home. Went out to play with Maggie. Came in, watched Sherlock Holmes and Play Your Cards Right, Fall Guy, Gentle Touch. The Virgin & The Gypsy was on.”

16/01/82

“Went to Bangor. Bought Human L. L.P. Saw Tony in Bangor. Bought 4 singles.”

17/01/82

“Went to church, by 10.30. Went to listen to records after dinner. Maggie going to see her new house. (See notes.)

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“Found out Tony’s phone number, but I don’t know if it’s true or not.”

(Maggie might be moving, but then isn’t moving, thank fuck.)

(The magic kingdom of Disneyworld, starring those guys in costumes. Love this, it’s very Alton Towers circa 198-whenever.)

“Phoned Tony, he said ‘Haya’.”

(Was that the whole conversation? I assume you hung up as soon as Tony answered. Don’t worry, I would have done the same. R.I.P. my sides though.)

(NB: My dad keeps offering to phone the number to see if it’s still Tony. I politely declined.)

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(Yeah yeah, I love Tony, I love Tony. We know you love Tony. I love Tony, I love… wait… Paul again? Paul is ace again? Double wait… Brock? BROCK? Who the fuck is Brock? I can’t cope with this any more. I don’t think Brock is the guy on the left, who is not called Brock. Anyway, no one’s called Brock in real life.)

Join me in part 4, for being ill off school, Cross Country in the rain, and more phoning Tony…

Seriously, Brock?

Diary of an 80s teenager part 2: Who the hell is Tony?

Diary of an 80s teenager part 2: Who the hell is Tony?

If you missed Part 1, here it is.

Welcome back to S’s diary. In part 1 we learned that S has seen the seminal work ‘Herbie Goes Bananas’ at the cinema, and that she likes Paul Bateman. On the last page, however, some young upstart called Tony made an appearance:

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What we know about Tony so far:

1: He’s called Tony

2: He probably looks like this:

ac slater

He seems to have successfully seen off the competition anyway.

Let’s crack on.

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Oh I’m so fucking surprised. Poor Paul Bateman. On the next couple of pages we have an article about how you should turn the lights off and sit in the dark, or something. Possibly ok to skip.

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A crossword! I suspect S had better things to do than come up with the answer to “Norman’s wine”. Print it out and fill it in if you’re bored of reading this.

On the next page we have Steve Strange, and Mrs Strange, I assume. S has done a good job of making them look stranger.

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Mini posters of C.H.I.P.S. And the Harlem Globetrotters, and S’s Christmas-present-getting list. She likes Maggie enough to buy her 2 singles, but not enough to buy her 3 singles. Mum is getting tapes and refills (?) while Dad is getting… hankies? And… shavers? Slavs?

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11/12/81

“Sian Roberts was not in school. (Who?) Went to Christmas fair in school. Bought three books. Mr Grinwalds collected money by door. Walked home with Darren and Neil (And what do Paul Bateman and/or Tony have to say about this?) Wrapped Xmas presents.”

I can only assume that S spent the whole of October and November in a state of catatonic lust over Tony, thankfully getting her shit together in time for the Anglesey art group dinner.

12/12/81

“Went to Bangor, bought two singles.”

No idea which singles she bought. Looking at the charts for that week, I’m having a punt on “Cambodia” by Kim Wilde, and “Mirror Mirror (Mon Amour)” by Dollar.

13/12/81

“Went out to play in thick snow, after putting trimmings up.”

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14/12/81

“Woke up 8.30. Went to school. Water ran out, we had no water all day, and it will probably be like this for a long time. (the water RAN OUT? Are you sure? I reckon there was probably some water somewhere in Wales.) Dad told me that Mam was going to hospital. Watched film, ‘A Star Is Born!’.”

15/12/81

“Woke up 8.25. Went to school. After I came home, helped Mam with tea. After tea, finished off Christmas magazine for English. Watched Disco championships and Cowboys.”

I feel kind of cheated that we don’t get to watch Disco championships on TV now.

16/12/81

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. Mam going to hospital today. She will be home on Friday hopefully. Went to free disco in Menai Bridge. Barnie and Laurence were there. Got Christmas present off Andrea, and Joanne.”

Get well soon Mam.

(17/12/81)

“Woke up 11.30, no school today, because there was no water. Cooked mince pies. Dad brought fish and chips for tea. Went to Kwiks. Saw Mam after, in hospital.”

‘Kwiks’? Please be Kwik Save. Please start talking about the Kwik Save flaps. I love those. Since you didn’t get shit-faced at the Menai Bridge disco like you promised last time, this is the least you can do.

18/12/81

“Woke up 8.30, went to school. (Guess they found some water then.) Had volleyball in Gym. Mam came to school dinner-time to say she was home. That really made my day. (This makes my heart happy.) Went to (NO IDEA, SEE BELOW), it was fantastic. Tony was there.”

Oh, Tony would we? Anyway, I have no fucking clue where she went. Here’s the word:

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Seriously, we’ve tried everything. Answers on a postcard I guess. If you can decipher it, let me know.

19/12/81

“Went to Bangor. Went to Bethan’s Christmas party.”

20/12/81

“Went to church. Put Xmas tree up. Watched half of David Bowie film.”

Which film? And which half? Probably whichever half had Tony in it.

And here we leave S to continue with her festive preparations, such as buying Slavs for her dad. Join me for part 3, where we find out what S gets for Christmas.

Diary of an 80s teenager part 1: meet our heroine

Diary of an 80s teenager part 1: meet our heroine

Last week, I found this in a box at a car boot sale:

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It’s a 1981/82 diary, and it’s been filled in by a 14 year old girl from North Wales, who we’ll call ‘S’. I’ve decided to share this simple yet heartwarming tale of teenage life with you, if only for the fact that it proves someone, somewhere, once bought a record by Dollar.

A few notes before we begin: I have, to the best of my ability, removed S’s full name from the following pages. Notes by me are in italics. Also, I apologise in advance to any Welsh readers if I’ve spelled things wrong. But, you know, she had bloody terrible handwriting at times.

So join me, dear reader, as we follow S on her journey of buying miniature cans of coke, attempting to phone her crush, and watching Herbie Goes Bananas…

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I don’t think you need me to point out that she likes someone called Paul Bateman. 

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School timetable for the coming year. Not sure what commerce is. Exemplary penmanship thus far.

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S doesn’t much go in for books, preferring instead to trade records with ‘Maggie’, Mandy’, and someone called ‘Chips’.

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31/08/81

“Woke up 10.05. Went to get paper in shop, but there were none left. Bought little cans of coke for 12p. After dinner went for a ride in the car, to Mynydd Eilian, and Bull Bay. Got a cup of coffee and a choc ice. Watched Sinbad film, Coronation Street, Benny Hill.”

01/09/81

“Woke up 9.05. Maggie came to call for me. Went to village to cut my hair (Lady Diana style). After dinner went to Auntie Eleri’s, and went to Caernarvon. Got pot noodle for tea, watched ‘Keep It In The Family’, and Morecambe and Wise. Blackie went missing.”

Oh dear, is Blackie a cat? A dog? A deadly but loveable python? Hope he/she is ok. S doesn’t seem that fussed either way.

02/09/81

BACK TO SCHOOL

“Woke up 8.05. Found Blackie by back door. (Wasn’t bloody missing then was he, he was what’s known as ‘outside’.) Went to school, got my timetable. Had present from Newton Abbot, from Nain. (Welsh name for Grandma.) I like Form 4. Watched Coronation Street. My indigestion started.”

03/09/81

“Woke up 8.20. Had breakfast, went to school. Mam went to see headmaster. I am allowed to go to Tech. Watched Top Of The Pops, Ain’t Half Hot Mum finished.

04/09/81

MAM TO OPTICIANS

“Woke up 8.15. Went to school. Had double Gym first two lessons, with Annie Agro. (She sounds delightful, I bet she has a hairy chest.) After school went to Margaret’s birthday party. Got hot dog, doughnut, fairy cake, trifle, can of coke. Watched Spider Man film.”

05/09/81

“Woke up 10.00. Patches comic gone up to 18p. (Bloody outrage.) Watched telly.”

06/09/81

“After dinner, went to Auntie Joan’s.”

A good solid first week. Still don’t know what Blackie is, or our heroine’s relationship to ‘Paul’.

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07/09/81

“Woke up 8.15. Went to school, had double Welsh. Had school dinners. After I came home from school, went out to play with Maggie. Went to Auntie Eleri’s house to give her birthday present.”

08/09/81

“Woke up 8.20. Went to school. Had school dinners again. After school came home. Did my homework. In the evening went to pictures to see Herbie Goes Bananas. It was good.”

09/09/81

“Woke up 8.15. Went to school. Had nice dinner. After I came home did homework. Went to disco in new club in Menai Bridge. It was great, going again soon, I hope. (Me too. If you could get off your tits next time and write about that, us here in the future would appreciate that. Ta.)

10.09.81

“Woke up 8.30. Had chips for dinner. Had loads of homework.”

So much homework, in fact, that S was too busy to write diary entries for the next three days. I’m guessing Welsh homework. Those vowels won’t take themselves out.

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Wait, back up, who the fuck is Tony? I thought Paul was our guy? S, are you cheating on our guy Paul with this upstart Tony? I thought you were different. Victoria Principal clearly approves of this behaviour.

Join me for part 2, where we solve the mystery of ‘Who the fuck is Tony?’ (maybe).

Rainbow episode review: I’ll cut you

Are you cross? I am. I’m cross because I’ve just seen that Oral B advert, featuring a woman who has more teeth than IQ points.

Anyway, this episode is called ‘Cross’, and is about other people pissing you off by doing things like existing. Maybe they all snap and kill each other, and all the later episodes have just been my imagination. I guess we’ll soon find out.

George is singing some song. I don’t know what song it is because I got distracted. Let’s assume, for argument’s sake, that he’s singing the theme tune to Minder.

1

Zippy comes in and immediately starts tearing George a new one. “That’s my song, you fucking song stealing fuck,” he yells. I don’t remember Zippy writing the theme tune to Minder. Neither does George judging by the look of confusion on his face.

Fucking hell, Geoffrey’s about 3 in this one. From his expression, I think Jane’s just come into the room with her tits out. Meanwhile, Bungle’s doing that face again where he’s just realised he’s Bungle for a living.

geoff bungle

No one knows why Zippy’s in a steroid-induced rage. After ranting a bit more, he goes away, only to immediately spring back up, making Geoffrey and Bungle shit themselves.

zippy rage

“AND ANOTHER THING – WHY IS VERNON KAY?”

The other three have a big discussion about getting cross, and why it’s not ok to kill people, but it is ok to go off and sulk for a bit.

Bungle says “I make people cross sometimes.” Geoffrey is thinking ‘If by ‘sometimes’ you mean all the fucking time ever.’

“Don’t say anything Geoff, just keep smiling. Don’t punch him in his stupid face. You can always take that job as a turkey fluffer if it gets too bad…”

keep smiling

Also, I think Bungle’s just noticed Jane standing there.

Next we have a song from… fucking hell, Rod, Jane and Roger. No wonder Geoffrey looks about 3.

roger

Jane: “And Bungle didn’t even notice I had my tits out for ten minutes!”

Rod: “Whoa.”

Roger: “Oh no I’ve just remembered I’m going to be in Eldorado.”

Zippy comes back in. He doesn’t appear to be in a rage any more. However, judging by the others’ reactions, I think he’s just called Bungle a ‘blithering cunt’.

cunt

So far, a grand total of fuck all has happened in this episode. They haven’t even moved away from that table. This is a far cry from the lavish location shots and intricate story arcs of later episodes.

Seriously, why are they all still just standing around that table? They’ve been standing there for six hours straight. Don’t any of them need a piss?

stood around

In keeping with the theme of ‘nothing interesting is ever going to happen in this episode’, they continue to stand there. They sing a song about currant buns. Obviously, they should have sung the ‘hot cross buns’ song, or ‘Smack my bitch up’.

Well, what have we learned today? Fucking nothing, that’s what, except maybe that this episode was a waste of time. Shame on you all. Now I really am cross.

Update: 40 years later, they’re still stood round that table. Geoffrey nearly went for a piss in 1998 but then didn’t.

9 sayings that are complete balls when you think about them

More so than ever, the world is just a bunch of people going around saying things without giving a second thought to what they mean. My dislike of words is widely documented across the world wide internet. Googling my name and the word “words” yields endless results, all of which are me ranting like a drunk racist at a darts match.

(editor’s note: darts is ace. Slag off darts again and I’ll cut you)

It’s true that the internet is made up of people knowing they’re talking shite but doing so regardless. Alas, these people are not my issue. Truth be told, I only really use the internet for two things and both of them involve pornography. Online shit-posting has never bothered me because its sole purpose is to wind somebody up; however, the phrases mentioned here are supposed to be well-meaning advice. When someone compares you to Hitler because you haven’t completed the new Batman game, they’re just trying to sand your ass crack. When someone tells you to “follow your passion”, they’re making assumptions about your life, your responsibilities and your happiness.

I often find it difficult to keep my mouth shut when someone says something stupid (call me old fashioned). And while this goes a long way to help explain why I’m unemployed and have no friends, I believe such outbursts are necessary in order to facilitate a better world. Good intentions are all well and good, but at some point good intentions turned into ridiculous out-of-context fairytale phrases which, for some reason, people often still take as gospel.

For example:

1. Age is just a number

Baby-driving

Age is just a number? No shit, dickhead – so is the speed limit. So is the legal age of drinking. Do you know why there’s an age limit on drinking? Because giving whiskey to three year olds would probably kill them. There is nothing on this earth which is “just a number”, because things are numbered for a reason. Saying that age is just a number means you are perfectly happy for a four year old to operate power tools. Sure, it says ages 18+ on the packaging but if age is just a number, who cares?

The phrase is used exclusively by two types of people: 1) middle aged cougars who have slept with someone thirty years their junior and 2) paedophiles. If you’ve ever used the term “age is just a number”, ask yourself: which one are you?

2. We did all this [unsafe shit] as kids and we turned out fine!

we turned out fine

This is one I see posted on social media by people who want to passively aggressively imply that children are lazy little shits who need to stop playing video games. While I don’t disagree, there are more apt ways of doing so than posting a black and white photo of some kids eating worms out of a can with a caption that says “we used to eat all sorts of random shit we found in bins when we were kids and we’re still alive!”

Of course, this is only one variation. There are many others:

“Remember when we used to snort ants and then see how long we could hang on to the back of trucks for?”

“Kids these days don’t know the simple pleasures of somersaulting off garage roofs onto concrete.”

While there are nuggets to truth to this bullshit, I don’t suppose the kids who died eating burnt rubber from a skip will be weighing in anytime soon.

3. Find a man who treats you like a queen

queen

Notorious ladies’ man Henry VIII treated his women just like queens. In fact, they were queens. He had six of them in total, two of which he had executed, all of which he treated like shit.

People who coin quotes about relationships aren’t often known for their historical accuracies. Henry VIII aside, most kings treated their queens like total shit. In fact, I can’t think of a single queen who doesn’t get shit on for being useless. Anyway, this quote is used by young girls who don’t know what a queen is and don’t have the brain capacity to understand that idolisation from a partner leads to delusion, unhappiness and a skewed perception of reality.

Without the realisation that every human is flawed, our mental growth stagnates. One’s ignorance of their stupidity is the only barometer a person has to gauge intelligence. The only true sign of intelligence is being aware that on a whole, we’re all quite stupid. I personally believe myself to be well-versed in the realms of books, crime and erotic art – but I’m fully aware that I’ll never know everything there is to know on these subjects. I embrace this, and I believe it grounds me more than idolisation from someone ever would.

(If any women reading this want to get in touch then disregard all of the above.)

4. You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it

you can achieve anything

To me, this phrase feels like a teacher addressing the most privileged kid in the class, except he has to say it to the whole class so the other kids don’t cry. I do believe that, within reason, you can achieve most things you set out to.

Providing you’re: rich, privileged, well-connected, young, naturally gifted, have few responsibilities, willing to make sacrifices regarding your personal life, have a support net in case things go wrong, etc.

5. The customer is always right

customer

What this is saying is that if you complain enough you will eventually be rewarded. Is it any surprise the world is full of adult cry babies who break down in tears when things don’t go their way?

6. A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet

stranger

In 1930, Albert Fish befriended the family of a 10-year-old girl under the pretense of looking after her. Several weeks later, he cut off her limbs and used them to make stew. In the late 1970s, Peter Sutcliffe stabbed a woman with such force that her intestines exploded from her stomach like something HR Giger would see if he took acid. In 2006, Colin Ireland met men in bars and took them home and – you guessed it – set fire to their testicles and suffocated them with a carrier bag.

All of these victims, before their no doubt painful and undignified demise, assumed their killers to be strangers they could trust. They weren’t. They were serial murdering sexual sadists who liked to strangle, suffocate, cannibalise and insert DIY implements into women’s vaginas. Saying that all strangers have the potential to be your friend not only says that you live in a world run by fairies, but is also very insulting to anyone who has had similarly bad experiences.

The worst thing is that this saying doesn’t even require that much thought in order to ascertain its bullshitery. For example, I’ve never met my miserably elderly neighbour who sometimes throws dog shit over my fence, but I can conclude with very little effort that we probably wouldn’t be good friends. I’ve never met Charles Manson but I reckon we wouldn’t get on very well either. Stop trying to be friends with everyone, and just be lonely and grouchy all the time like me.

7. You just have to find your passion

passion

Unfortunately, most people don’t have one. Most people will go through life without ever really finding anything they’re good at, let alone finding their “passion”.

The truth is that “passion” is one of those words which has transcended definition. It’s a word like “compulsion” which people basically use in order to justify doing something they shouldn’t have. You might have had a “compulsion” to buy the X-Files boxset and watch every episode instead of going to work. Maybe your “passion” is playing video games while you eat Pringles out of the can. Good luck paying your bills with that. These are both stupid, fairytale words which people believe will magically afford them a career – if they can just find out what it is.

8. Money can’t buy happiness

money

I’m sure there are people out there who are happy and poor, however I’ve never seen anyone cry in a Jacuzzi.

9. Respect your elders

Murdoch2

Charles Manson, 82 – cult leader
Ian Brady, 79 – child murderer
Bradford Bishop, 80 – currently on FBI’s Most Wanted List
Rupert Murdoch, 86 – asshole
Robert Durst, 73 – murderer, possible serial killer

It irritates me when people show respect to the elderly simply because they’re still alive. Old people don’t magically become lovable the moment they become old. If a person is miserable, shitty and evil when they’re middle aged, chances are they’re going to be the same when they’re old.

Age can only be a barometer for levels of respect if you’ve used your lifespan to become a better person. If you haven’t figured out how to be happy by the time you’ve reached 70 then you probably never will. Old people should be shot at birth.

More of Joe and his world-hating shit can be found at foulentertainment.com.