Crap Comedy Chapter 47: Alps

Crap Comedy Chapter 47: Alps

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

If I’m absolutely honest, I’m starting to doubt that finishing a pitcher of “Assblaster” before 6pm was a good idea. I’ve already fallen over once. The three of us are staggering up the street like we’ve lost our carer. Joanne’s got the improv leaflet in her hand, and she claims she’s taking us the right way, but she hasn’t once looked at the leaflet to see what the address is. There’s no point questioning her about this, because she’ll just claim she can “sense” when we’re there. In the meantime they’re walking ahead of me, having a bizarre mumbled conversation about rugby union. If either of those two know the first thing about rugby union I’ll shit in my hat. And I don’t even have a hat.

I must have misheard them; they can’t possibly be having a conversation about rugby union. Not those two. And why are they walking on ahead and leaving me out?

I plod a bit faster to catch up with them. ‘What are you two talking about?’

‘Using reiki as a healing tool for the genitals.’

‘Oh.’ You know what, I’m fine walking on my own.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 47: Alps”

Crap Comedy Chapter 45: Lance-Corporal Jason Donovan

Crap Comedy Chapter 45: Lance-Corporal Jason Donovan

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Fax is back to his usual prancing self when we meet up again. He seems to have forgotten that a few hours ago he was standing on a stage crying over a balloon. No sign of the velvet suit, but Fax does seem to have an infinite supply of shirts he imagines make him look like a Catherine Cookson hero, so he’s OK. We make our way to the nearest pub to inspect some more leaflets, and decide what this evening’s quality entertainment will be. I feel like I should choose because I’m going home tomorrow. When I put this to Joanne and Fax they agree without argument, surprising me for the second time this afternoon.

We sit there sorting through the assorted miniature billboards of shite. Subconsciously, I’m looking for one that will lead me to the annoying guy on the poster, who I’ve come to think of as my arch-nemesis. I’m still mad that I never got to write “I AM A HUGE TWAT” on his forehead. If I’m really lucky I can find out where he is this evening, then sneak up on him and write it on his real forehead, in permanent marker. That’ll learn him.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 45: Lance-Corporal Jason Donovan”

Crap Comedy Chapter 44: Lobster

Crap Comedy Chapter 44: Lobster

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

I’m not sure how to feel about this turn of events. On one hand, it’s obviously hilarious. On the other hand, I’m not sure Fax understands what the show involves. And on the other hand (that I keep for best), I’m a bit worried about what Joanne will do to Dave Nonsense if anything happens to Fax. Like if he starts crying because he gets a question wrong. Thank fuck he isn’t wearing his purple suit today. Apparently he’s not allowed to clog up the pub with his shite on weekends, therefore no show today, so he’s opted for his usual outfit of linen and big sleeves.

I spin round and glare at Joanne. She shrugs, as in ‘well I tried to tell you’. She did nothing of the sort. Joanne takes one of my flumps, and settles back in her seat.

Meanwhile, Fax is attempting to explain his stand-up show to a bemused Dave Nonsense. Dave is nodding along and looking round frantically. Joanne is now standing up in her seat and cheering for Fax. She is the only one.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 44: Lobster”

Crap Comedy Chapter 43: Nonsense

Crap Comedy Chapter 43: Nonsense

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

‘Come on fucking hurry up, we’ll be late!’

For once this is shouting this at Fax and Joanne, not the other way round. I am skipping down the road. I’m so excited to be seeing Dave Nonsense in the flesh. I’m 10 years old again, eating Honey Nut Loops in front of the TV. I can spend the rest of the day riding my bike and going to buy stickers with my friends, and I don’t have to get ready for school until tomorrow evening, after Bullseye.

Joanne and Fax are mooching along behind me, whingeing. Joanne has my sunglasses on. I don’t give a fuck – they made me go to circus skills with a hangover, so it serves them right.

‘I’ve got no fucking sympathy for you,’ I yell at Joanne. ‘You never even gave me a pen last night like we said! That man’s still out there without “TWAT” written on his forehead.’

She shuffles her (my) sunglasses. ‘I was busy.’

‘Yeah, I heard you being busy with rowan trees and giving your love a cherry. I don’t give a fuck, come on!’

I skip ahead. For once I’m full of beans. Nonsense! Wheel of Seafood! Silly Sausages! I can’t wait.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 43: Nonsense”

Crap Comedy Chapters 41 & 42: Stepping Out, Nuclear Warheads

Crap Comedy Chapters 41 & 42: Stepping Out, Nuclear Warheads

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Joanne and Fax are prancing along next to me looking smug; Joanne is clutching a fistful of fivers. In what could only be a miracle caused by Fax holding his stupid obsidian, they’ve made a slight profit on today’s show. This is because everyone had a good time watching that naked man dancing on that roof, and they decided it would be rude not to thank Fax for this. Not that I can blame them, it’s the most fun I’ve had since I got here.

‘I told you Fax would be a success!’ crows Joanne. I don’t say anything, who am I to piss on their bonfire?

We’re wandering along up some street, with no real plan for the evening. Joanne and Fax are in a good mood because a naked guy inexplicably got them some money, I’m in a good mood because I had Quality Street for lunch and the sugar hasn’t worn off yet, and to top it all of it’s not raining. The world is our deep-fried oyster.

The area’s relatively quiet, but we still manage to be accosted by a billion people offering us ‘free five-star comedy’. I see the bald climate change Yul Brinner girl approaching; she doesn’t recognise me, but I recognise her.

‘DO NOT EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT.’

Then she does recognise me, and slopes off.

Joanne looks round after her. ‘What’s the matter? Do you not like that show?’

‘No, I’ve seen it. It’s about weather.’

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapters 41 & 42: Stepping Out, Nuclear Warheads”

Crap Comedy Chapter 40: Wunderbar, Part 2

Crap Comedy Chapter 40: Wunderbar, Part 2

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

I wonder which poor fucker is going to feel Joanne’s wrath today. I’m hoping Alan isn’t stupid enough to come back, I don’t care how much he needs a poo.

I’m still suffering from temporary diabetes thanks to Che Guevara’s Lying Quality Street Buffet, but I reckon I’ll be OK to get myself another pail of chips. Joanne orders me to buy her another pint of Stella. After yesterday’s performance, I’m starting to see why she wants it. It’s like super fighting bitch fuel.

I can’t help being in a good mood, despite everything, because tomorrow I’m going to see Dave Nonsense, in the flesh, and possibly have him fire a Super Soaker at me. I really hope he’s not senile, and in a wheelchair, that would lessen the effect of him gunging people. With any luck he’s just bald and trying to pay child support to his ex-wife, who I’ve just made up in my head, but is called Michelle and has a pool.

‘Mel will you come and hold Fax’s obsidian?’

Well, that sounds like the last thing I want to do.

‘Mel! We need you to hold Fax’s obsidian so he can cleanse the room!’

Yes. Why else would they need me to do that? It all makes sense now.

I stomp off to the other room. ‘Right, what is it I’m holding and why?’

Joanne has her hands on her hips. ‘Where’s my pint of Stella?’

‘It’s in the pump you fucking idiot, because I haven’t ordered it yet because you shouted at me to come and hold Fax’s agoraphobia pebbles.’

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 40: Wunderbar, Part 2”

Crap Comedy Chapter 39: Purple Ones

Crap Comedy Chapter 39: Purple Ones

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

We end up on a road I recognise from our drive here in the van. My first instinct is to shield myself from ‘silent disco’ knobheads, but there doesn’t seem to be any around, so that’s good. However, there are still four billion people on this street, all absolutely convinced that they need to be somewhere more urgently than everyone else.

After ten minutes of getting elbowed and suitcases running over our feet, the three of us duck into the nearest building that looks like a pub/bar/café/restaurant/fucking brothel/I don’t care just let us get off this bastard street.

It’s a café. Fair enough. Café is fine. We’ll have lunch then Fax can go do his show, Joanne can threaten the audience, and I can pretend I’m not with them.

The guy behind the counter looks surprised to see us.

‘Oh!’

‘Oh sorry are you closed?’

‘Oh no no not at all!’ Come in, grab a table!’

The urgency in his voice suggests we need to be quick if we want to ‘grab a table’. We’re the only ones in here; I think ‘grabbing a table’ is going to be a piece of piss.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 39: Purple Ones”

Crap Comedy Chapter 38: Handstand

Crap Comedy Chapter 38: Handstand

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Half an hour later we’re out the door and making our way through the park. I’m still wearing my barbecue sauce jeans. In fact, the only thing I’ve changed is to add sunglasses to my outfit, even though it’s cloudy. Fuck any daylight escaping into my retinas this morning. Fax is wearing his velvet suit again.

Joanne and Fax spot a group of people doing handstands in another part of the park. ‘Oh, circus skills! Come on Mel!’

I stand my ground. ‘If by ‘come on Mel’ you mean ‘Don’t worry, we’re just kidding, we’re not going to make you attempt a handstand so last night’s gin comes out of your face’, then that’s fine.’

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 38: Handstand”

Crap Comedy Chapter 37: Oh Fuck, Part 2

Crap Comedy Chapter 37: Oh Fuck, Part 2

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

Oh Jesus Christ not again. Right, brain, what did we do this time?

‘Me?’ snorts my brain. ‘Don’t look at me, this is your stupid fault. You know I can’t talk to you when you’ve had ten gins. I had an early night last night, so don’t come asking me what you got up to.’

I don’t need to open my eyes to know this is bad, I can smell the cough medicine. However, when I do finally open my eyes I discover I’m alone in the bed. Small mercies, I suppose. Eww, my foot just touched a sock.

I go through yesterday morning’s routine of crawling to the bathroom, being sick, then sitting on the loo trying to remember the night’s events. Christ, is this my life now? Am I doomed to repeat this cycle for all eternity? Or at least until Sunday. I hope not.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 37: Oh Fuck, Part 2”

Crap Comedy Chapter 36: Wunderbar

Crap Comedy Chapter 36: Wunderbar

On the run from Andi Peters following a misunderstanding about cruises, Melissa begrudgingly agrees to follow her friend Joanne (and Joanne’s 17th century throwback ‘life partner’ Fax) to the Edinburgh Fringe. While leafleting for Fax’s dreadful stand up show about faith healing and vegans, Melissa endures the highs and lows of pretentious student plays, ‘street typing’, and the knowledge that her shop has been left in the hands of someone who doesn’t understand tills…

Crap Comedy is the follow up to the 2018 novel Crap Holiday. Read it here.

The pub is called the ‘Kilderkin’. I don’t know what that means in German; I hope it doesn’t mean ‘I murdered my family’. As soon as we step inside my headache feels better, thanks to the air conditioning and dark wood panelling everywhere. It smells of chips and hot dogs, and there’s some sort of rock music playing at a discreet volume. I like this place.

The ‘cabaret room’ is separated from the main bar by a curtain. Fax and Joanne disappear behind it excitedly while I go to the bar. I really need to start pacing myself, so I just order a beer. Fax wants a mineral water, and Joanne wants a pint of Stella, which isn’t like her.

My phone vibrates in my bag. Just as I’m wondering what to tell head office if Saif really has managed to burn the Co-op down, I remember Lee said he’d text me. I was hoping he’d have a change of heart. I was hoping he’d remember some urgent mending he had to do, or that he’d suddenly become gay.

Continue reading “Crap Comedy Chapter 36: Wunderbar”