12 things that made you look hard as a kid

Tough guys in the 80s and 90s: for whatever reason it was important that we looked and acted like Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and the criminals of the day, despite being eight years old and the owner of a My Little Pony lunchbox.

At our school, it was imperative that we gave the impression of A) not giving a fuck what anyone thought of us (especially teachers) and B) being able to roundhouse kick anyone in the school into the middle of next week. It also helped if we could project the aura of someone who carried guns, and who had the Hell’s Angels on speed-dial (assuming our mums let us use the phone).

Because we were all idiots, we used to take our cues from the popular tv shows and movies of the day, thinking that if we just copied whatever punk, tough guy or shit gang member (I’m looking at you Los Locos) was on the screen at the time, then their street cred would rub off on us. If we acted like them and did the following things, then our enemies would run and hide in a bin when they saw us coming.

It never worked. All that happened was that we either got laughed at or told off by grown ups.

1. Dyeing your hair

hair dye

Where we lived, only troublemakers and yobbos dyed their hair. Any colour that wasn’t the regulation black, brown, blonde or ginger marked you out as the sort of person that shoplifted and had run-ins with the fuzz. In reality, the yobbos were more likely to sit around listening to vinyl and looking all sad, but we weren’t to know that. Continue reading “12 things that made you look hard as a kid”

Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead

Good evening. Today we’re going to crush Bungle’s dreams, because if I can’t achieve anything then I’m fucked if he’s going to.

Bungle is playing the piano. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the problem with this?

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At this point, it would be far too easy to joke about how Bungle is on some sort of drugs, like LSD, Calpol or heroin. I am not going to suggest that. What I am going to suggest is that Bungle has never seen a piano before, but he likes the idea of it, and he just assumes pianists hit things until sound comes out. He’s also never heard a piano before, because a piano doesn’t sound like Bungle hitting a table.

Are you with me so far?

The point is that Bungle’s playing a piano that isn’t there, because he’s a div.

It transpires that Bungle is attempting to play ‘Old McDonald Had A Farm’. He makes up for the lack of piano by just humming the tune.

SO HE COULD HAVE JUST STOOD THERE HUMMING AND SAVED EVERYONE ALL THIS BOTHER.

Halfway through, he starts adding in some moves like Stevie Wonder.

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Meanwhile, Zippy is trying to get George to play I Spy with him, but George is “not very good at I Spy”. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead”

Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off

I’m in a bad mood for two reasons:

1. My laptop is powered by steam and extinct eggs.

2. I was sewing shit onto my boyfriend’s work uniform FOR AN HOUR. It was only three things, but I suck at sewing. I think I bled to death.

Given that, I’ve chosen a nice cheery episode today. I’m watching this blind so I don’t know what happens, but it’s called ‘Worried And Weary’, so I assume it’s going to fit my mood.

Right.

George is being a bellend, as usual.

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How dare he go round collecting money for the hospital. And, more specifically, how dare he say to the hospital “Yes I will collect money for you. No don’t worry I’ll get loads of money, I know more than six people, including two who have 20p in the world, no don’t worry.” George lied.

Also, which hospital is this supposed to be? My guess is ‘Rainbow hospital’. Is there an episode where one of them goes to hospital? I’ve never seen it, but I bet it would be a nice mix of heartwarming and shoddy. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off”

Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever

The other night I was reading the 1979 Whizzer and Chips annual, when a story called “Whizz Wheels” caught my eye.

Normally I don’t read the ‘action’ stories, preferring to skip straight to more light hearted fare like Fuss Pot and Beat Your Neighbour. But something about this story told me to stop and read it. I’m glad I did, because now I’m obsessed with it. Naturally I had to share it with you guys, and I think you will all be better people for it.

So join me, intrepid reader, for a tale of crime, intrigue, and penny farthings…

EPSON MFP image

“This is Tommy Wheels, known as ‘Whizz’ to his pals”. Really? Tommy Wheels? This is the biggest load of nominative determinism since I changed my name to ‘Sitting On The Settee Scratching Myself’.

I like to think Tommy Wheels secretly really hates bikes, but he’s under enormous pressure from his friends and family to be some kind of bike nut. Maybe Tommy would really like a horse, but he can’t have a horse because horses don’t have wheels. Also – “Your dad rode bikes, and I’m fucked if you’re going to shame this family by not riding bikes.” Continue reading “Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever”

Rainbow episode review: Rebel without a clothes

This episode is called ‘The Show Offs’, and is about the following things:

1: Bungle’s inability to not be naked, AGAIN.

2: Some other stuff.

Geoffrey is decorating the garden with tinsel and flags. This is because they’re planning to have one of those weird concerts where only they turn up.

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At this concert, everyone’s going to be doing their talent. Let me tell you – I’ve just discovered that I can do a banging impression of Sunderland manager Simon Grayson, which is more impressive when you consider that I’ve never heard him speak. That’s better than any of the shit this lot can come up with.

“I’ll be the best. Everyone knows I’m the best singer,” says Zippy.

“Yes yes we all know you can sing,” says Geoffrey. “Meanwhile, my talent is not having killed any of you three yet.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Rebel without a clothes”

The shit you can win on a 2p machine

I love 2p machines, I always have. Nothing beats the thrill of seeing an almost worthless coin inching its way forward, before finally dropping down that hole that means you haven’t won it. The only thing that comes close to beating it is the thrill of winning something you have absolutely no use for after the first ten seconds of owning it.

time for tea bognor regis

Some absolute BASTARDS (I’m looking at you Butlins in Skegness) have done away with 2p machine prizes altogether, instead saving their cheap useless crap for the 10p machines. This, as you know, goes against the natural order of things. Expect Skegness to have a plague of locusts or something soon, thanks to those money grabbing, fun hating pricks.

As far as I know, no one else has gone along with this evil, so let’s get back to normal 2p machines, where it is entirely possible to spend a lucky 20p brightening up your day by winning a ‘fashion comb’ or an eraser that looks like a £50 note. Continue reading “The shit you can win on a 2p machine”