Hello. This episode is all about whose turn it is to have a go on Dawn.
I will say, in my defence, that Alex suggested this review be called ‘Breaking Dawn’. I said no, as that was a bad thing to suggest. Shame on you Alex.
To be fair, the reason he suggested that is because he saw this screenshot:
It probably won’t surprise you to learn that they don’t really want to do three way bumming with her, since this is an episode of Rainbow. What they do want to do is dance with her. Well, Geoffrey does. Bungle wants to do anything he can get away with, but only if Dawn will agree to wear a Jane mask, and will pretend to be Jane, while also calling Bungle Jane, because that’s how my headcanon works. Did I mention I’m having some weird side effects off these new pills?
Geoffrey and Bungle both try to have the first go on Dawn. Dawn thinks for a minute:
“Now then, who do I want to dance with? The man wearing clothes or the man in the bear suit who keeps calling me Jane and himself Jane while rubbing his area?” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Dances With Bungles”
The other week I bought the 1980 Daily Mirror Book For Girls, because I am cool and great.
Although I’m not as cool and great as the girl on the cover, who is doing the universal hand gesture for “look at how cool and great I am. This guy, right here”.
A traditional feature of hastily cobbled together cash-in books is the ‘A-Z’ section, and the Daily Mirror Book For Girls is no different. The first item in this book is ‘THE ABC OF BEING A GIRL” – a comprehensive guide to having a fanny in 26 easy steps, providing those steps mostly involve apples, and that whoever wrote this is quite bad at spelling.
Before we dive in, I should point out that I keep nearly shortening ‘Daily Mirror Book For Girls’ to ‘DMBFG’, but my brain keeps wanting to write ‘DUMFUK’, because I am 12. Sod it, that’s what we’re going to call it from now on. Continue reading “The ABC Of Being A Girl – Apples and Hitler”
You know what every little girl wants? They want to be taught the finer points of creating a fucking Tinder profile. Someone has finally decided to address this issue in handy game form, and the result is ‘Princess Tinder Wars’.
I’m not sure this game is official canon.
Continue reading “Let’s play Princess Tinder Wars: Elsa has herpes”
Apologies for not doing many posts recently, I’ve been on some super fun new anxiety meds, one of the effects of which is “malaise”. Malaise, in this case, translates roughly as “lying on the settee watching loads of Jim Sterling on Youtube and being too tired to fart”. Anyway, here I am.
Today’s episode is called ‘Watch Out’, and it’s about watching out. Presumably, like ‘watch out for that falling piano’ and ‘watch out for that sex pest over there’.
Bungle is doing a painting. Unfortunately for Bungle, he’s forgotten to watch out, and now his afternoon is littered with life-threatening things. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the hazards?
Firstly, There is a pot of water just feet away from the edge of the table. If knocked over, this water will go on fire.
Secondly, There are some toy cars on the floor. You might not have spotted this one, because it wasn’t in the first screenshot. Oh well.
Lastly – and most importantly – Bungle’s painting is fucking rubbish. He should watch out for art critics, who might come along and tell him this. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Try not to get bummed by a chair”
In the olden days, kids used to have things called ‘hobbies’.
A ‘hobby’ is loosely defined as ‘an activity your parents order you to do because they’re sick of you running round yelling when they’re trying to watch Spender’.
If left to my own devices, my hobbies would have included the following:
- picking my nose
- mixing all the shampoos in the bathroom together to make ‘magic potions’
- forward rolls
- saying ‘willies’ then laughing uncontrollably because this is hilarious
This wasn’t enough for my parents, who endlessly strived for excellence on my behalf. As such, I was bought various improving activities to do, despite the fact that my parents had met me.
Let’s have a look, courtesy of the 1992 Index catalogue my parents seemed to use as their own personal Harrods, at the various ways parents tried to shut their kids up for half an hour.
What Index said: “Create beautiful designs at the turn of a wheel. Mix and match each outfit, rub the outline through, colour it in and cut it out.”
Reality: Rub across the entire wheel with your orange crayon because you’ve lost all your other crayons, ending up with a design for an obese hi-vis vest. Still feel like Vivienne Westwood. Cut out hi-vis vest, become confused when it won’t magically attach itself to your Barbie and has to be sellotaped on. Barbie now looks like shit. Continue reading “Arts and crafts in 1992”
Today we’re looking at an episode featuring everyone’s favourite auntie – Auntie! I’m not sure whose auntie she is, but she must be somebody’s, because she does auntie things like saying “Hello, I’m Auntie.” Now I’m going to stop writing that word for a bit because I’ve written it too much and it’s started to look all funny and wrong.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. This episode is also about losing your job at the shoe shop, which is something all 3 year olds have experienced at some point.
Can you guess who’s lost their job at the shoe shop? Well, it’s not Geoffrey because he doesn’t appear to have a job, apart from occasionally looking at some papers on a clipboard and going “oh dear”. It’s probably not Zippy or George, because they don’t have feet, and would be mediocre at best when it comes to singing the praises of slingbacks. And it’s not Bungle, because we’ve met Bungle, come on.
If you’re still reading this and you’re an idiot, I’ll reveal the answer shortly. But first, Bungle, Zippy and George are playing ‘dog doctor’.
They’re not playing ‘vet’, because they don’t know the word ‘vet’, because they’re 3. This adds weight to my theory that they don’t work at Freeman Hardy Willis. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Hard Times”