The 1983 – 1988 Coronation Street drinking game

Hello. How are you? I am fine. Hoping this finds you as it leaves me. Recently the mister and I have been binge-watching Coronation Street from the 80s. If you’re wondering, this has been accompanied by lots of tea and lard – the food of my people. It has also been accompanied by a load of booze, because how else were we going to do really banging Mavis impressions?

Anyway, we watched so much Coronation Street that we came up with a shit drinking game, here for your perusal. The rules of the game are as follows – have a drink whenever any of the following occur. Alternatively, have a drink whenever you realise you’re sat there watching old Coronation Street on Youtube instead of making loads of money, which you should be doing at your age. Then cry a bit. Then eat lard, which makes everything better.

The rules

Drink when:

– Mike Baldwin orders a large scotch. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a large scotch.) Rita orders a vodka and tonic. In the middle of the working day. (Drink a vodka and tonic.) Emily Bishop orders a tomato juice. (Drink literally anything that isn’t tomato juice. Please.)

– People only ever refer to Billy Walker as “Billywalker”. Bonus drink if he even refers to himself as “Billywalker”. I presume his full name is ‘Billywalker Walker’.

– Mavis says “I DON’T REALLY KNOW!”. Fun fact 1 – she never fucking says this. Fun fact 2 – I think she does say this once. See if you can spot it (10 bonus drinks if spotted). Fun fact 3 – despite joining the Coronation Street cast in 2014, Les Dennis has never played Mavis.

– You find yourself saying – out loud – “I love Derek and Mavis. I want one.” At this point, also stop drinking.

– You see this fucking thing behind Rita:

wat

Bonus drink if you find out where it went.

– Someone goes upstairs/on holiday and IS NEVER SEEN AGAIN.

– You really want to go into that mysterious back room in the Kabin, to buy all the ‘records’ and ‘videos’, because you’re sure they sell porn in there. On record. You’ve probably had quite a lot to drink by this point. Continue reading “The 1983 – 1988 Coronation Street drinking game”

Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt

Hello how are you? I am fine.

Do you remember when shopping wasn’t hideous, and sometimes you’d go to the shops for a nice day out? I used to do that before all the shops became one big Tesco that smells of piss and poor people.

The gang are going to have a nice day out at the shops in today’s episode, which is called ‘Shops’. You know what, I bet you could have figured out the title for yourself; it’s not like the episode was going to be called ‘The English Patient’.

Let’s begin. Everyone is bored:

1

George: “I’m bored.”

Zippy: “I’m bored.”

Bungle: “Geoffrey bet me a fiver I couldn’t pull my own nose off. I’ll show him.”

Geoffrey orders them to stop being bored, because “there are hundreds of things to do”. This is a lie Geoffrey. Most officially sanctioned ‘things to do’ are variants of waving limbs around. You know this. I’d say there are about seven things to do, in the whole world. And one of those is seeing if it’s possible to kick yourself in the fanny.

“How about a game of I Spy?”

“Jesus Geoffrey why not just put us in a coma now and have done with it?” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Bargain Hunt”

Reviewing beige wallpaper

I love beige. Obviously, anyone who doesn’t love beige should be shunned for being an individual. And because I am a woman one, I also love things like wallpaper, shopping, and shopping for wallpaper. I know this to be true because I read it on some website once.

Fun fact: since 1960, people have put up wallpaper in order to stop their walls becoming portals to hell.

Anyway, I figured I’d review some beige wallpaper. Because, you know.

Graham & Brown Superfresco Colour Aaron Decorative Wallpaper Beige

1 superfresco aaron beige

This is good because it says on the Wickes website how to put it up (paste the paper). This is ideal for people who hadn’t yet figured that out.

Aside from that, this wallpaper has a lot going for it. It’s beige, which I like because that website said I do, it sticks to the wall (I assume), and it doesn’t provoke ‘nam flashbacks like Homebase ‘Nam Flashback Red’.

Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: George Clooney, that one off London’s Burning, Rene Descartes.

Did I ever tell you about the time my sister shit up the wall? Continue reading “Reviewing beige wallpaper”

The lesser-known careers of Barbie

Everyone knows Barbie can’t hold down a job for more than a day. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following –

  • Having sex with the boss on the first day
  • Being dim
  • Lacking flexible limbs
  • Office politics
  • That time she threatened to cut that woman

hells angel

The point is that Barbie has had some tough breaks over the years, but that has never dampened her entrepreneurial spirit. Like a well-worn rag, she dusts herself off and gets back on the horse. Which is a shame, because Barbie’s horse can’t really go anywhere on account of not being alive.

Anyway, let’s take a look back at some of Barbie’s less widely remembered jaunts into the world of work… Continue reading “The lesser-known careers of Barbie”

Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel

Have you ever done that thing where someone says ‘Whatever you do, do not hit yourself in the face with this hot frying pan’, and you’ve immediately thought ‘Why? What will happen if I do? Well now I need to hit myself in the face with this hot frying pan just to find out.’ This episode is about that.

Geoffrey, instead of having a job, has spent the morning lining up some dominoes:

1

“You see these? These are fucking banging these are.”

He’s clearly put hours of work into this. I hope nothing happens to his dominoes. I hope, for example, that a naked bear isn’t suddenly curious about the dominoes.

2

“I have to go out of the room Bungle. Don’t touch those dominoes.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t touch them.”

Should Geoffrey have said:

A) “Touch these dominoes and I’ll fucking kill you.”

B) “If you so much as look at these dominoes, they will fall over, and then I’ll fucking kill you.”

C) “Don’t touch these dominoes, FOR A MYSTERIOUS REASON.”

D: “Put some fucking clothes on Bungle.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel”

12 things that made you look hard as a kid

Tough guys in the 80s and 90s: for whatever reason it was important that we looked and acted like Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and the criminals of the day, despite being eight years old and the owner of a My Little Pony lunchbox.

At our school, it was imperative that we gave the impression of A) not giving a fuck what anyone thought of us (especially teachers) and B) being able to roundhouse kick anyone in the school into the middle of next week. It also helped if we could project the aura of someone who carried guns, and who had the Hell’s Angels on speed-dial (assuming our mums let us use the phone).

Because we were all idiots, we used to take our cues from the popular tv shows and movies of the day, thinking that if we just copied whatever punk, tough guy or shit gang member (I’m looking at you Los Locos) was on the screen at the time, then their street cred would rub off on us. If we acted like them and did the following things, then our enemies would run and hide in a bin when they saw us coming.

It never worked. All that happened was that we either got laughed at or told off by grown ups.

1. Dyeing your hair

hair dye

Where we lived, only troublemakers and yobbos dyed their hair. Any colour that wasn’t the regulation black, brown, blonde or ginger marked you out as the sort of person that shoplifted and had run-ins with the fuzz. In reality, the yobbos were more likely to sit around listening to vinyl and looking all sad, but we weren’t to know that. Continue reading “12 things that made you look hard as a kid”