Reviewing beige wallpaper

I love beige. Obviously, anyone who doesn’t love beige should be shunned for being an individual. And because I am a woman one, I also love things like wallpaper, shopping, and shopping for wallpaper. I know this to be true because I read it on some website once.

Fun fact: since 1960, people have put up wallpaper in order to stop their walls becoming portals to hell.

Anyway, I figured I’d review some beige wallpaper. Because, you know.

Graham & Brown Superfresco Colour Aaron Decorative Wallpaper Beige

1 superfresco aaron beige

This is good because it says on the Wickes website how to put it up (paste the paper). This is ideal for people who hadn’t yet figured that out.

Aside from that, this wallpaper has a lot going for it. It’s beige, which I like because that website said I do, it sticks to the wall (I assume), and it doesn’t provoke ‘nam flashbacks like Homebase ‘Nam Flashback Red’.

Celebrities who might like this wallpaper: George Clooney, that one off London’s Burning, Rene Descartes.

Did I ever tell you about the time my sister shit up the wall? Continue reading “Reviewing beige wallpaper”

The lesser-known careers of Barbie

Everyone knows Barbie can’t hold down a job for more than a day. Reasons for this include, but are not limited to, the following –

  • Having sex with the boss on the first day
  • Being dim
  • Lacking flexible limbs
  • Office politics
  • That time she threatened to cut that woman

hells angel

The point is that Barbie has had some tough breaks over the years, but that has never dampened her entrepreneurial spirit. Like a well-worn rag, she dusts herself off and gets back on the horse. Which is a shame, because Barbie’s horse can’t really go anywhere on account of not being alive.

Anyway, let’s take a look back at some of Barbie’s less widely remembered jaunts into the world of work… Continue reading “The lesser-known careers of Barbie”

Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel

Have you ever done that thing where someone says ‘Whatever you do, do not hit yourself in the face with this hot frying pan’, and you’ve immediately thought ‘Why? What will happen if I do? Well now I need to hit myself in the face with this hot frying pan just to find out.’ This episode is about that.

Geoffrey, instead of having a job, has spent the morning lining up some dominoes:

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“You see these? These are fucking banging these are.”

He’s clearly put hours of work into this. I hope nothing happens to his dominoes. I hope, for example, that a naked bear isn’t suddenly curious about the dominoes.

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“I have to go out of the room Bungle. Don’t touch those dominoes.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t touch them.”

Should Geoffrey have said:

A) “Touch these dominoes and I’ll fucking kill you.”

B) “If you so much as look at these dominoes, they will fall over, and then I’ll fucking kill you.”

C) “Don’t touch these dominoes, FOR A MYSTERIOUS REASON.”

D: “Put some fucking clothes on Bungle.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Coming soon on The Discovery Channel”

12 things that made you look hard as a kid

Tough guys in the 80s and 90s: for whatever reason it was important that we looked and acted like Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and the criminals of the day, despite being eight years old and the owner of a My Little Pony lunchbox.

At our school, it was imperative that we gave the impression of A) not giving a fuck what anyone thought of us (especially teachers) and B) being able to roundhouse kick anyone in the school into the middle of next week. It also helped if we could project the aura of someone who carried guns, and who had the Hell’s Angels on speed-dial (assuming our mums let us use the phone).

Because we were all idiots, we used to take our cues from the popular tv shows and movies of the day, thinking that if we just copied whatever punk, tough guy or shit gang member (I’m looking at you Los Locos) was on the screen at the time, then their street cred would rub off on us. If we acted like them and did the following things, then our enemies would run and hide in a bin when they saw us coming.

It never worked. All that happened was that we either got laughed at or told off by grown ups.

1. Dyeing your hair

hair dye

Where we lived, only troublemakers and yobbos dyed their hair. Any colour that wasn’t the regulation black, brown, blonde or ginger marked you out as the sort of person that shoplifted and had run-ins with the fuzz. In reality, the yobbos were more likely to sit around listening to vinyl and looking all sad, but we weren’t to know that. Continue reading “12 things that made you look hard as a kid”

Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead

Good evening. Today we’re going to crush Bungle’s dreams, because if I can’t achieve anything then I’m fucked if he’s going to.

Bungle is playing the piano. Can any eagle eyed readers spot the problem with this?

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At this point, it would be far too easy to joke about how Bungle is on some sort of drugs, like LSD, Calpol or heroin. I am not going to suggest that. What I am going to suggest is that Bungle has never seen a piano before, but he likes the idea of it, and he just assumes pianists hit things until sound comes out. He’s also never heard a piano before, because a piano doesn’t sound like Bungle hitting a table.

Are you with me so far?

The point is that Bungle’s playing a piano that isn’t there, because he’s a div.

It transpires that Bungle is attempting to play ‘Old McDonald Had A Farm’. He makes up for the lack of piano by just humming the tune.

SO HE COULD HAVE JUST STOOD THERE HUMMING AND SAVED EVERYONE ALL THIS BOTHER.

Halfway through, he starts adding in some moves like Stevie Wonder.

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Meanwhile, Zippy is trying to get George to play I Spy with him, but George is “not very good at I Spy”. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Play it again dickhead”

Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off

I’m in a bad mood for two reasons:

1. My laptop is powered by steam and extinct eggs.

2. I was sewing shit onto my boyfriend’s work uniform FOR AN HOUR. It was only three things, but I suck at sewing. I think I bled to death.

Given that, I’ve chosen a nice cheery episode today. I’m watching this blind so I don’t know what happens, but it’s called ‘Worried And Weary’, so I assume it’s going to fit my mood.

Right.

George is being a bellend, as usual.

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How dare he go round collecting money for the hospital. And, more specifically, how dare he say to the hospital “Yes I will collect money for you. No don’t worry I’ll get loads of money, I know more than six people, including two who have 20p in the world, no don’t worry.” George lied.

Also, which hospital is this supposed to be? My guess is ‘Rainbow hospital’. Is there an episode where one of them goes to hospital? I’ve never seen it, but I bet it would be a nice mix of heartwarming and shoddy. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off”