Rainbow episode review: Regrets, I’ve had a few…

I’ve been asked to review this episode, and who am I to disappoint one of my three readers.

‘If Only We Hadn’t’ is the last proper episode of Rainbow ever made. It’s about doing things you later regret, such as agreeing to play Bungle.

Let’s crack on, because I’ve got to glue something after this.

Geoffrey is reading the gang a story about a robot. Note that out of all of them, Geoffrey is the most excited about this.


After the story, Bungle gets up and starts doing robot dancing like a naked, spherical Peter Crouch. Geoffrey looks on with an expression that says ‘I’m so glad I emailed North Korea yesterday and told them you were a spy’.


Geoffrey announces that there’s too much crap in the house, and that he’s getting rid of all of it. Zippy suggests they might want to Ebay Bungle: “Slightly soiled, no careful owners, suitable for deaf person.” Geoffrey pretends to be outraged while laughing and thinking ‘I really must invent the internet so I can Ebay Bungle. And also so I can email North Korea like I just said I did.’

Geoffrey promises to make cornflake cakes later, as long as they don’t do anything stupid while he’s gone, like cut up the cornflakes box (THIS IS IMPORTANT). Then he goes off to sort out the pans or whatever he’s doing. Bungle decides he’s going to build a silver robot, like the one in the story. Zippy immediately pisses on the idea, citing Bungle’s inability to do anything ever.

To be fair to Bungle, Zippy is a complete dick in this episode; he’s winding Bungle up for no real reason. Since this is the last episode, I’m hoping that Bungle will finally snap and eat Zippy.

He doesn’t. He does the next best thing, which is pointing at him. Zippy gives him the sly finger.


This somehow evolves into a contest between Bungle and Zippy over who can make the best thing. I’m going to call it now and say that neither of them will make anything good, because Zippy only has one arm, and Bungle is Bungle.

George says “Let’s make a rocket out of the washing up liquid bottle.”

This is the washing up liquid bottle:


It’s nearly, but not quite, as good as my imaginary range of cleaning products called ‘Shite Away’.

Also it’s full, so Zippy goes to empty it out. While he’s gone, Geoffrey comes back in and has the following exchange with George:

“Everything all right George?”



Zero fucks given. I love Geoffrey when he’s in this mood.

Zippy comes back, and he’s emptied the washing up liquid down the fucking sink. It’s like Freaky Friday and him and Bungle have swapped minds.

He’s also apparently cleaned the bottle out, despite it still having the top welded on.


Next they need some cardboard to make the wings for the rocket. The only thing in the entire house that’s made of cardboard is the cornflakes box. Do you remember the important thing from earlier?

I love the way they’ve gone to the trouble of copying the Kellogg’s font.


“All the cardboard we need!”

Kellogg’s should use that as the slogan for cornflakes.

Bungle comes in to say something, but I’m distracted because half of his shoulder flap is missing.


Where is it?

Anyway, Bungle launches into an ‘As you know’ speech about how Geoffrey loses his shit if you use stuff without asking, especially when it’s for something shit like a pretend rocket.

Well that shows how much you know Bungle, because the rocket isn’t shit, it’s actually really good:


Oh my fucking God:



“Right, it’s time to make the cornflake cakes” says Geoffrey. He reels off a list of things he’ll need to make them. This list includes washing up liquid, cornflakes, and tin foil.

Three questions:

Why do you need tin foil to make cornflake cakes?

What did Zippy do with the cornflakes? He only needed a bit of the box, so aren’t the cornflakes sat around in their bag somewhere?

Why is Bungle still wearing that box?


The penny drops. Geoffrey realises where all the missing things have gone. Apart from the cornflakes. Will someone answer me about the fucking cornflakes please?

Oh wait, Zippy “gave the cornflakes to the birds”. WHY?

Zippy, seriously. At this point you’re actually managing to look stupider than Bungle. Think about that.


Geoffrey’s annoyed for about a second, then forgets it and says “Come on, we’ll go to the shop and get some more stuff.”. Zippy says “If only I hadn’t taken those things.” George doesn’t say “If only I hadn’t been such an enabler and been just as guilty as Zippy while letting him get the blame for everything.” George doesn’t say that, but he fucking should.

Bungle is still wearing the box. Evidently he’s planning to go to the shop in it. I suppose it’s one step up from public nudity, but the shopkeeper will still see his knob, and then say “If only I hadn’t seen Bungle’s knob.”.


A tribute to dad shops

The other day I passed a ‘car spares and accessories’ shop. Immediately I started thinking “I’m glad I don’t have any possible reason to have to go in there.” Then an old lady nearly pushed me so I forgot all about it.

But later on it did get me thinking about the shops my dad loved going in when I was a kid. He mostly liked man shops that sold things made of electricity and concrete. If I was with him on a shopping trip, I’d have to spend a lot of time looking at man things. I was fine with this, because I’d probably get a Wimpy out of it.

The following are shops that tend to attract dads like a magnet. Most of them sell magnets. That’s probably why.



Sells: 10m speaker wires. Speakers. Wires.

Do they sell toys? No, and if you try to play with the stuff you die from all the electricity.

Dad appeal: Strong. My dad was forever dragging me into Tandy, leaving me to examine the weird grey carpet while he stood marvelling at things made by Alba and Basf.

See also: Maplin. But we never went to Maplin so fuck off.

Cash Converters


Sells: Video recorders. Old saxophone reeds. One DVD of Only Fools And Horses.

Do they sell toys? Sometimes. But they’re always behind glass cases or some other fucking place where you can’t reach them.

Dad appeal: Medium. My dad hardly ever bought anything from Cash Converters, but that didn’t stop him having to go in there every time we were out, to look at guitars. However, now I’m in my 30s, I can wait for him in the pub instead of attempting to be interested in the stuff people have pawned to pay the gas bill.



Sells: 10mm rawl plugs. 14mm rawl plugs. 16mm rawl plugs. Slabs.

Do they sell toys? Do they fuck. But they do have those trolleys, if you can get away from your parents long enough to steal one and have a go on it.

Dad appeal: Strong. B&Q was the bane of my small life. This was made worse by the fact that my mother loved B&Q as well, so I had two parents telling me not to “show them up” instead of one. I couldn’t even play in the mock-up display rooms they had, because I had to accompany my parents to look at brackets instead.

I don’t know why parents are so fascinated with Ronseal and allen keys, but they are.

Car accessory shops


Sells: Mats in various shades of grey. Pine tree air fresheners. Those stretchy cords with a hook on each end.

Do they sell toys? No. They sell lots of shiny things that look like they might be toys at first glance, but turn out to be wheel trims.

Dad appeal: Weak. We didn’t exactly have a pimpin’ car when I was a kid. We had an old Peugeot that apparently used to be light blue back when it had some paint on it. It also backfired every time it stopped/started/moved. This was a cause of much hilarity for my parents, but not for me, as I had to be picked up from school in it, leading to the other kids calling me a “gyppo”.

We did go in occasionally though; my dad would look at steering wheel covers, as if buying one would somehow improve our car and stop it embarrassing me all the time.



Sells: shock-corded tent poles. Mallets (specifically, Millets mallets). Sensible things.

Do they sell toys? Not really, although display tents are always fun to play in.

Dad appeal: Weak. I don’t remember ever setting foot in a Millets when I was a kid. We didn’t do camping; we had a static caravan in Ingoldmells. I suspect my dad would have been all over their selection of sensible clothing though. He once bought me a pair of “insulated golfing mitts”. I never did get to the bottom of why he gave me those.



Sells: Minidisc players. Curly wires. Amstrad.

Do they sell toys? No, but they did have those boxes of software, and they were always fun to look at. Usually called things like ‘Corel Graphics Pack’ and ‘Quicken’, but sometimes they had stuff about Batman or The Magic School Bus.

Dad appeal: Strong. My dad was forever in Dixons looking at the minidisc players. In his defence, back then he was a musician with thousands of backing tracks to store, so he at least had a reason to be looking at minidisc players. Also: floppy disks, packs of 1000 batteries, watching Richard and Judy with the sound off.

Rainbow episode review: All hail Satan

Good evening. Today I pay tribute to the original anti-social triggering shitlord. In this episode Zippy goes on a rampage, grinding the feelings of Bungle, George and Geoffrey into the dirt where they belong.

Just kidding. All he does is piss Bungle off, which is always worth doing.

Bungle’s building a shit tower. Geoffrey is laughing at how shit the tower is.


Go on Geoffrey, crush his dreams. It’s the only way he’ll learn.

They’re all having a competition to see who can build the highest tower. the current record is six bricks.

Pop quiz. Will Bungle:

A) beat the record

B) fail like a big failure and then blame someone else

If you answered B: congratulations.

Zippy comes along and decides to knock Bungle’s shit tower over so he can build a better one. In Bungle’s defence, this one was sort of Zippy’s fault. In Zippy’s defence, Bungle fucking deserved it.

Plus, this is a hell of a face:

All the others gang up on Zippy and decide to use beat the shit out of him by saying words at him, like that will have any effect whatsoever on Zippy. Zippy’s having none of it. He fucks off.

He fucks straight back on again, waving a spoon around. Why he keeps a spoon under the table is not important. It’s like the old saying: ‘It’s not where you got your spoon from, it’s what you do with your spoon.’

He’s waving that spoon dangerously close to Bungle’s shit tower 2.0. So dangerously close that he twats Bungle’s tower over again, completely accidentally on purpose.

Uh-oh, someone needs a safe space:

Geoffrey manages to prevent Bungle’s PTSD by getting him to choose a story from the book. As regular readers know, Bungle has a unique style of reading. Today, however, he decides to break with tradition by not holding the book one fucking millimetre from his fucking face. In an unorthodox move, he decides to hold the book against his armpit, and also to look in the opposite direction of the book.


“You’re such an unbelievable bastard Zippy. I can’t believe how much of a bastard you are. I bet you vote UKIP as well don’t you.”

“Fuck off Bungle, you’re the one who’s Paul Nuttall under that bear suit.”

Zippy tries to confiscate the book, leading to a bitch fight. Geoffrey intervenes and loses his shit, while Zippy looks like he’s just realised there’s a bear standing next to him.


Zippy fucks off, this time for really, extremely real. This leaves a big gaping hole in the tableau, so I’ve used some artistic licence.


While Zippy’s gone, Bungle suggests they all have a story without him, so they can all point and laugh later when he finds out he’s missed it. Geoffrey reminds Bungle that “Perhaps Zippy wouldn’t be a prick to you if you weren’t such a prick.”

“Fuck off Geoffrey, stop oppressing me,” shouts Bungle. George probably says something too, but no one really cares.

Geoffrey reads Bungle and George a story, despite having a go at Bungle for suggesting it a minute ago. When Zippy shows up three hours later, Geoffrey has to break it to him that he’s missed the story. Zippy sinks into a deep depression.


Poor Zippy. All this because Bungle was a whining bitch.

To make matters worse, the others have eaten all the sausages they were going to have for tea, and now Zippy has to starve. Bungle appears like a big, looming Bob Ross painting of himself to tell Zippy this.


The smug bastard. Go on Zippy, glue nails to all the books so he’ll stab himself in the eyes next time he tries to read them.

Turns out they were just joking about the sausages, but before they let him have any, they make him say the following things:

“Bungle’s feelings are just as important as mine.”

“It isn’t Bungle’s fault he’s a stupid loser.”

“We have always been at war with Eastasia.”


Zippy finally gets his sausages. Eating tubes of meat revives him, and soon he’s back to his old self.

“I didn’t mean a word of that you fucking diseased nipples. And I tell you what, I voted for Donald Trump, because he’s the same colour as me, so fuck you!”

“No you didn’t,” says Geoffrey. “A) You’re not American, and B), we’re in the past. At best, you voted for John Major.”

And then they all immediately forget everything and are all friends again.


Don’t worry, Bungle is holding a sausage, he doesn’t have a broken finger. I wish he did.

Rainbow episode review: Previously on 24

This episode is fucking gripping. It follows George in a race against time as he tries desperately to raise money for… wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Some stuff happens first.

Geoffrey is doing his accounts:


The amount of paperwork and general crap all over the table suggests one of the following:

– Geoffrey hasn’t paid his bills for 6 years

– Geoffrey is Chancellor of the Exchequer

In reality, he’s probably just got to pay a gas bill and put some money aside to buy “Rainbow” brand products.

George: “What are you doing?”

Geoffrey: “Panicking. I’ve got no fucking money.”

Bungle comes in to help. He helps just by being there. Did Geoffrey really mean to put those trousers on?


Bungle wants to borrow 50p to buy a comic. A fiver says he wants to buy a Rainbow comic, which is pointless since the comic is about his life, and he could find out about his life by being alive.

George is a pushover. He lends Bungle the money without even making him act as a footstool for half an hour first. Bungle fucks off.

Enter Zippy, with the greatest and most prolonged display of passive aggressive hinting I’ve ever seen outside Facebook.


“Oh bloody hell George, what am I going to do? I’m a poor starving orphan and I don’t have enough money to buy this toy car I want. I mean, I only need one easy payment of 20p. (Cough). If only there was a way to get some money from one of my friends. If only one of my friends cared enough about my plight. (Cough cough).

George falls for this scam and wires 20p to Zippy’s bank account in Nigeria.

Bungle’s bought a Rainbow comic. Look at him, looking at pictures of himself like a big git. WHY HAS HE GOT THE FUCKING THING PRESSED AGAINST HIS FACE.


George calls in his debt and makes Bungle go to the shop for him like a servant. While he’s gone, Geoffrey starts crapping on about his “accounts”, and how a bank is better than a money box, because the bank won’t let him have his money, or something.

Later on, George is looking at a toy catalogue. He’s interested in the xylophone, but I’m more interested in why there’s a big green circle taking up half the other page.


George decides he’s going to buy the xylophone while it’s on special offer. Geoffrey tells him he has to send a £4.50 postal order too, on account of how the catalogue people aren’t just going to send him free stuff.

But oh no! George doesn’t have enough money! He’s £1.40 short!

“That’s what happens when you spend all your money like a twat George.”


George tots up his expenditure, and remembers that he just spent all his money on Bungle and Zippy’s scams, and on jelly babies.

What the fuck is he going to do? The xylophone is only on special offer for another few days and George’s chances of becoming an adult, getting a job, getting his first week’s wages and sending off for the xylophone are slim. George must think of a way to raise some money fast, because time is running out.


Yes I know it’s half 5 in the morning, I don’t give a fuck. They all get up at half 2 most days anyway.

Geoffrey offers George a lifeline. He tells George that he’ll pay him 10p for every job he does for him. This way, George gets his xylophone, and Geoffrey gets an illegal underpaid skivvy. Everyone wins.

George has no choice – he must agree to Geoffrey’s demands.

There follows a tense montage in which George tries desperately to complete Geoffrey’s allotted tasks before it becomes too late to go get the postal order. I’m on the edge of my fucking seat.


Yes I know time’s gone backwards.

After slaving away for six hours, George has earned a grand total of 40p. Stop being a dick Geoffrey, just give him a quid.

George starts to despair. He’s run out of ways to make money, and he still doesn’t have enough to get the xylophone. He’s going to have to start thinking seriously about selling a kidney.

But then an It’s A Wonderful Life-type miracle happens! Bungle remembers he had some money hidden up his arse, so gives George his 50p back.


Now George just needs 50p! The clock is ticking down! How the hell is he going to make 50 whole p by close of business today?

Something falls out of Bungle’s Rainbow comic. It’s another miracle!


A 50p voucher that just happens to be valid for that exact catalogue! Zippy immediately tries to swipe it, but Geoffrey and Bungle unleash their wrath on Zippy until he agrees to put it towards the xylophone fund.



That’s about it really. Geoffrey sends the postal order off, George gets his xylophone in the post, and then he learns to play a boring tune on it.

Looking back, this episode definitely has more parallels with It’s A Wonderful Life than 24. But fuck it, I’ve already done the pictures.

The contents of a 90s pencil case

Sometimes I’m really glad my boyfriend is a bit of a hoarder. He’s the type to store his nuts away, and I don’t mind this too much unless I’m navigating through a sea of odd screws, lids and general crap that “we might need one day”.

(For “one day”, see: “If the government ever decides to kill anyone who can’t do Blue Peter makes when asked.)

Anyway, from among his precious hoard of crap and lids, he recently produced this:


Ladies and gentlemen – his pencil case from school. Join me as we wander through a treasure trove of Tippex, shit pens and evidence that I go out with Will from The Inbetweeners…



This is a big, serious ruler, for big, serious ruling. Also, note that the only vandalism is his name written on it neatly. This leads me to the conclusion that Alex was a gimpy swot at school. Further investigation confirms this, as he admitted to having A) a briefcase, and B) name tags sewn into his ties.

Old Tippex


The first thing I did with this was sniff it, because that’s what you do. Then I tried to paint my nails, but I got bored with that.

Old batteries


For his special calculator that does graphs. When I heard this, I was the opposite of surprised. Apparently, he also programmed games into it by hand, which makes him a bona fide genius as well as a gimpy swot. Note the Jan 2000 expiration date, and the fact that they have amazingly not leaked.

Coronation Street rubber


Got from a Granada Studios tour. Alex was very enthusiastic about going on the Aliens 4D ride, but mentions nothing about Coronation Street.

He also claims his dad made the entire family buy loads of rubbers so he could claim them back on his work expenses. And that it was a shit rubber which just made the paper go a bit red.

Crayola pencils


Colours include:

‘Golden yellow
‘Aqua green’
‘Shocking pink’
‘Atomic tangerine’
‘Laser lemon’

An interesting mix, I’m sure we can all agree.

Magic pen


One end pen, one end eraser. The magic part comes from the eraser bit being able to ‘magically’ smudge the ink bit so it sort of goes away but not really.

All hail Satan.

Protractor bits


Includes bits of Alex’s special gimp protractor that goes all the way round, for people who want to do maths.

Fountain pen


This was Alex’s favourite pen, because he said it reminded him of the space shuttle. Something about the way you load the ink cartridge in. Then he said something about cargo bay doors, but I was trying to watch The Apprentice at the time.

Alex’s school didn’t allow biros. Their desks had inkwells in them. They also had a moat. I wish I was lying.

Serious pencils


Yellow and black pencils that are in various states ranging from ‘never used’ to ‘Fuck, I can’t remember the capital of Gibraltar!’.



As Alex was a serious student with a stupid round protractor, he had no need for things like highlighters. As everyone knows, highlighters are just for dicking about by looking like you’re doing work, but really just highlighting words like ‘sex’ and ‘testes’.

Alex was above such nonsense, so his highlighters remained largely unused. He explained that he only had them in the first place because his dad nicked a load from work.

Rainbow episode review: Three knobheads and a baby

Today’s episode is called ‘Looking After Baby’, and once again we see Geoffrey’s evil, Machiavellian brain at work as he tricks Bungle, Zippy and George.

Geoffrey is waving madly and shouting “Jane, Jane, over here!”


Pop quiz. Is Jane:

A) 3 miles away

B) 3 feet away

Congratulations, have a quid.


Jane’s stolen a baby and brought it round. Not sure if she’s going to try to convince Geoffrey that he’s the father. Probably not, since Rod and Freddy are already the fathers. But if we’re going with the three dads thing, Rod is obviously Tom Selleck, and Geoffrey would be Ted Danson. Freddy can be Steve Guttenberg because no one’s picked him yet.

The baby is called Oliver, he looks pretty nonplussed. Wait until he sees Bungle.


Geoffrey suggests that, as it’s such a nice day outside in the studio, they should keep Oliver in the garden for a bit. It’s ok, because Geoffrey has already got a carry cot. Why he owns this is never explained.

“But won’t the others want to see the baby?” asks Jane.

“We’ll get to that,” says Geoffrey. “But first I’m going to play an evil prank on them, like I do sometimes. Like that time I told Bungle the Ark of the Covenant was up his bum, and he spent hours trying to find it.”

Look at his evil, plotting face.


Geoffrey puts a doll (which he also happens to own) in Oliver’s pram, and goes inside. I don’t know if you can hear me in the past Geoffrey, but please try and convince Bungle that you just gave birth in the garden.

No need, Bungle is being entertaining without Geoffrey’s help. He asks “Is it the baby?” while looking straight fucking at the baby.


I should cut Bungle some slack here. He’s probably asking that because he can clearly see that it’s a doll. Oh wait, no, he’s just an idiot.

We get another conspiratorial wink from Geoffrey, then he announces he’s off out, and they’re in charge of looking after the baby.

Zippy shouts “HELLO BABY!” at the baby, and then they all stand around shitting themselves, presumably to make the baby feel at home.


George suggests rocking the pram. Bungle interprets this as ‘Shake the pram to death with your mighty bear muscles’.

“Stop that Bungle!” they cry. “You’re not digging up the fucking road!”

Geoffrey comes back in with a bottle, and Bungle voices his concern that the baby might not be entirely ok, since it’s not moving, breathing, or doing anything. Geoffrey has a secret piss at this. Naughty Geoffrey.


Geoffrey fucks off again, leaving Bungle holding the baby. At this point, Bungle should at least have some alarm bells ringing due to the baby being rock hard.

However, before Bungle can start doing CPR on the baby (like it would ever occur to him), they hear a burp, so instead he gets it in a wrestling hold under the guise of ‘winding’.


Turns out the burping was actually Zippy. I could have told them that.

Geoffrey’s doll, we discover, is a talking doll. It starts saying “Mama”. Bungle looks horrified.


Geoffrey comes in to gloat, and leaves a bottle for the baby. Zippy tries to put some milk in a mug like an idiot. Anyway, I reckon Bungle should have a crack at breastfeeding, he’s already got his tits out.

Geoffrey comes in yet again, this time to explain about breastfeeding. Great minds think alike I guess. He explains that “Some babies suck milk from their mother’s breasts”. Say what you like about Rainbow, it was a bloody progressive show, and very educational. This doesn’t excuse Geoffrey’s evil shenanigans though.

Rod and Freddy come in, looking for nappies. This prompts Rod to explain that “When babies are small they don’t go to the lavatory on their own – they might fall in.” Yes, that’s the entire reason.

Rod screenshot of the day is Nick Clegg.


Turns out Rod and Freddy are in on the joke as well. They should be ashamed of themselves.


Jane sings the real baby a song, because she’s the woman one. I think Rod and Freddy join in, because they are also women.

Then we cut back to Bungle, George and Zippy, who are rapidly losing their shit. I’m not sure what Zippy and George are doing.


Geoffrey comes back in and says “Oh it’s fine, ignore the baby for a bit while I read you a story.”

After the story, he reminds us that he’s still evil. Or he’s got something in his eye.


Geoffrey decides to stop being evil, and to put Bungle, George and Zippy out of their misery. He fetches the real baby in to meet them. The baby doesn’t immediately have a nervous breakdown upon seeing them. Respect to that baby. George does a facepalm.


How they all laugh.

Way to go tricking those three again Geoffrey. I guess you deserve that pleased face.



12 scary things and why they are scary

Stop going on about scary clowns. Here are 12 things that are scarier than clowns.

Jam Mini Rolls


They are not chocolate ones. There is a danger of buying these thinking they’re chocolate, then getting them home and discovering they are nothing of the sort.

Oak Furniture Land


As long as it exists, you might accidentally go there one day. Then men will smile at you and make you buy a table.

Phone calls


You have to answer them if you can’t get away with hiding under your bed. Then you might say the wrong thing by mistake, such as “My penis is missing” when you meant “Hello”.



Carry the risk of paper cuts. Also, they might contain ghosts.



Murderers wear shoes.

This woman


I have good reason to believe she breaks into my flat and uses my coffee when I’m asleep. She does this by somehow getting through the gap under the door.

Homes Under The Hammer


This man can demolish an entire house with a hammer. Best not make him cross. It might be a house just three miles from a local school.



What if you fill one in, and all the words form an incantation that summons the devil? And the people at the Birmingham Express & Star didn’t realise? They probably did realise, but they were too busy writing about some people having a sponsored knit.



They sell so many, it’s inevitable that at least one of them is haunted.

This jumper


Look at it.

King size duvet covers


Once I tried to change one of these on my own, but I got lost inside it and I’m still in there to this day. I’ve had to do a wee in here and everything.

Vernon Kay


If you laugh at Vernon Kay, he owns your soul. I think I read that in a thing somewhere.