Some DVDs I found on Amazon

The other day I ended up down the Amazon rabbit hole. I can’t remember what I was originally looking for, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t any of these.

Please note – this list also doubles up as my letter to Santa for this year.

How To Tie Your Tie 9 Million Different Ways

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Contains knots for the following occasions:

Farting in a lift and blaming it on the guy who doesn’t speak English
Getting the giggles at a funeral
Winning a fight at the Primark sale rail

Not sure if it contains a knot for when you don’t wear a tie.

Awkward Couple’s Greatest Hits

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I’m now taking bets on which one of these two finally managed to murder the other one. Either that, or this picture contains levels of sexual tension not seen since Foster and Allen.

Includes the hits ‘Jesus Norman, that joke stopped being funny after the first 17 times you told it’, ‘I should have married Keith’, and ‘Why do you never put the fucking butter back in the fridge? Why don’t you just eat it with a spoon you fat bitch’.

Bongo Twats

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You know that guy called Tarquin/Hugo/Sebastian who’s a vegan and uses a typewriter in Starbucks? You have this guy to thank for him waking you up in the middle of the fucking night while he ‘expresses himself’.

Piss! The Video

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I really want this to be a deliberate pun, but judging by the completely serious design, it isn’t. I think what it is is a documentary about men in the olden days drinking their own wee, while saying ‘verily’.

Massage Your Mate

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In the UK, this title is likely to be taken the wrong way. Especially in Doncaster.

Anyway, this is definitely not a sex video. Definitely not. It’s ‘suitable for the entire family’. So family friendly, in fact, that Playboy reviewed it.

Also, what kind of family are you in where the only choices are playing Scrabble or massaging your grandma? Ew.

I can’t help feeling that the disc for this smells a bit like raw meat.

Ecstatic Dance

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This is a lady who would prefer to be called ‘Nightingale Starswallow’, and who possibly uses phrases like ‘quantum vibrational chakra raising’.

I think this video teaches you how to do waving. It shouldn’t have ‘dance’ in the title if it’s all about waving – waving isn’t dancing. And she’s not even getting the waving right on the cover. She should watch the Queen on TV – there’s someone who knows how to do waving. This woman’s not the queen of anything, except being bad at waving.

She doesn’t look very happy either. This title is lying from start to finish.

Whatever This Is

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I have no fucking clue what any of this means. Is it something about drumming? Drumming while on the phone? Why not just fucking call it ‘How To Do Drumming While On The Phone’ then?

Why is he sitting outside the Alton Towers Hotel.

Rainbow episode review: Welcome to Lazy Town

You know what’s overrated? Everything except sitting around becoming a bit more dead. The gang agree with me in today’s episode, which is about a competition to see who can be the laziest bastard in the world.

We start with George in Ultimate Nag Mode™:

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“Look at the state of this kitchen Zippy. You never fucking do anything. You never even notice when I’ve had my hair done.”

Zippy is refusing to wash up because it’s not his turn to wash up. George replies that it’s Zippy’s turn to dry up, and he has no excuse for not doing that.

Except that there isn’t any washing up to dry, you bellend.

I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. It’s obviously Bungle’s turn to wash up.

A truce is declared when they hear Geoffrey come downstairs, and both shit themselves. In a genius move, they hide the washing up by throwing a tea towel over it. Presumably Geoffrey will just think it’s Bungle under there and be fine with that.

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Geoffrey enters and announces that today he is going to do fuck all, apart from wearing the Saved By The Bell opening credits.

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Then they all have a philosophical debate about whether it’s even possible to do nothing. Zippy puts forward the opinion that merely existing is an action. Shut up Zippy, Geoffrey only means that he’s not going to spend the day cleaning up Bungle’s shit and piss. He didn’t mean to suggest he was going to not be alive. There’s no need to turn into Bertrand Russell.

And anyway, no one would even have to do the washing up if the rest of your kitchen stuff wasn’t just drawn on the wall.

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Geoffrey discovers the secret washing up by looking at it. Then they all have a row for about ten minutes over whose turn it is to wash up.

“It’s not my turn!”

“It’s not my turn either!”

“Well it’s not my turn, so one of us is lying!”

(repeat x 783)

It takes them a week to remember that there is another member of the household. Then they all swear vengeance on him. George’s face fucking escalated quickly.

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They go upstairs with the intention of killing Bungle, which is a stupid idea because then it’ll be no one’s turn to do the washing up and it will never get done. Better to let him do the washing up, then kill him.

“WAKE UP YOU FUCKER!” they shout.

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“Go away,” says Bungle. “I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything or speak to anyone all day, and then later on I inexplicably make you all a trifle.”

“How are you going to make us a trifle if you haven’t done the washing up? Riddle me that you fat fuck,” replies Geoffrey.

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Bungle goes and does the washing up, but probably leaves arse hair all over everything in revenge. Afterwards Geoffrey has a go at George for not drying up properly. “Look at these plates. They’re still wet!”

Wait, rewind. It was Zippy’s turn to dry up. George had a period when he tried to get out of it earlier, but now we’re supposed to believe he’s ok with Zippy missing his turn? What next, the sky’s on fire? Can’t I trust anything anymore? My mental state’s hanging by a thread as it is.

The gang nag Geoffrey into reading them a story. He agrees to this while Bungle punches himself in the face.

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After the story, the gang get on with sitting around doing fuck all, but their peace is shattered when the doorbell rings. They all slump down like someone’s just confiscated their kidneys. They do not want to see anyone.

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Here’s an idea Geoffrey – if you want your visitor to go away, try sticking your knob through the letterbox. That would probably make me go away. Probably.

For once, they’re all hoping that it’s just some kids playing knock a door run. No such luck – it’s Christopher, who just ‘happened’ to be passing. With a guitar. They’re all overjoyed to see him.

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In what is definitely just a massive coincidence, Christopher has just written a new song about relaxing and going to sleep.

Geoffrey thinks this is boring as fuck.

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They all pretend to be asleep just to make Christopher leave, and then we’re done for another day. I’d like to think there’s a post-credits scene where they all start slagging him off as soon as he’s out of the door. And then they remember they were all going to kill Bungle so they do.

Rainbow episode review: It’s fun to stay at the RSPCA

One of the things I love about Rainbow is that there’s an episode about any subject you can think of. There’s probably an episode about what to do if you’ve killed a bunch of people and need to get rid of the evidence, or how to pose as your own evil twin.

Wow, turns out there is. Sort of.

I’m dogsitting for the week, so I figured I’d watch the episode where Geoffrey looks after a dog. Only you’re not supposed to realise it’s a dog until the end, except it’s obvious unless you’re an idiot like Bungle.

Spoiler alert.

The dog in question is called Bobby. One of the dogs I’m looking after is also called Bobby, but that’s where the similarity ends. At no point does Geoffrey’s Bobby do the following things:

– Run round and round and round and round and round in a circle
– Try to eat other dogs’ poo
– Headbutt my legs if he suspects I have food
– Fail to realise he’s lost his ball because he’s sat on it
– Be a wazzock

If you’re in the Midlands, I believe he’s what’s known as a ‘wammel’.

Anyway, on with the episode. The gang are in bed:

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The odd thing about this shot is that the room is the wrong way round. Normally the door is on the left. Has Geoffrey had the house redone so that now he comes in through the window? Why would you do that? Maybe he’s hoping Bungle will get confused in the middle of the night, head to the toilet and end up falling to his hairy death instead.

They’re woken up by a barking dog, which they all complain about.

Foreshadowing.

Geoffrey comes in, annoyed that his Bungle/window plan hasn’t worked. Never mind, it’ll work one day if he keeps changing the house around.

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Geoffrey looks out of the window and sees that they have new neighbours moving in. He spies on them while we hear the neighbour shout “Bobby! Don’t run into the road!” followed by a dog barking.

Foreshadowing.

Bungle, Zippy and George agree that Bobby must be the neighbours’ kid. Geoffrey does not correct them, despite having seen that Bobby is their dog.

Geoffrey decides he’d better go help the new neighbours. I think he means in case they need anyone to go round uninvited and look at all their stuff and judge it.

He goes round to introduce himself. I can’t imagine how that conversation would go.

“So Geoff, do you have any kids?”

“Kids? Yeah why not.”

“…”

“Well, I live with a hippo, a rugby ball and a man in a bear suit.”

“…”

“A trio of singers live in my kitchen.”

“…”

“You should come round, the bear will make us all a trifle.”

“Oh I can’t, I’ve just remembered, I’m busy for the rest of my life…”

Meanwhile, those three have dragged their lazy carcasses out of bed.

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They’re waiting for Geoffrey to come back and get their breakfast, and presumably put it in their mouths for them. Let’s not forget that we’ve seen many examples of those three getting their own meals before, particularly that time when Bungle made everyone an entire hostess trolley full of food.

We’ve also seen Bungle wallpaper a room on his own, but that’s neither here nor there.

Geoffrey comes back but, instead of getting breakfast, announces that the complete strangers next door are trusting him to look after Bobby for the day while they swan off somewhere. Strangely, he thinks Bobby might react badly to being put in a room with Bungle, George and Zippy, so he gives Bobby his breakfast next door.

“But what about our breakfast Geoffrey?”

“For fuck’s sake, you guys can get your own breakfast. What are you, three?”

“Yes, in some episodes.”

“Well not in this one. This is going to be like that time I left Bungle in charge and he spent the whole time pretending to be Superman.”

To show he’s not a complete bastard, Geoffrey at least gets their cereal for them.

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Oh no! Geoffrey has accidentally given them the box of dog biscuits he was going to give Bobby! Which does raise the following question – what is Geoffrey doing with a box of dog biscuits already in his kitchen? He doesn’t have a dog.

Bungle, George and Zippy remark on how shit the ‘new cornflakes’ are, and refuse to eat them. But thankfully Geoffrey returns just in time to save them from certain starvation. He issues them with their normal box of ‘Rainbow’ brand cornflakes, and he takes the box of dog biscuits.

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Now then. Can you see there, where it clearly says ‘DOG BISCUITS’ on it? This proves beyond a doubt that Bungle, Zippy and George can’t read because they’re about three years old and, yet Geoffrey has a go at them for not being completely independent and having jobs already. Geoffrey is a bad man. I should report him to the RSPCZ.

After a while Geoffrey graces us with his presence again, but only to say that he’s taking Bobby for a walk. Bungle, George and Zippy aren’t invited, because one idiot running round trying to sniff people’s crotches is quite enough thank you, and he can’t cope with four.

It still hasn’t crossed their minds that Bobby could be anything but a weird child, even when Geoffrey tells them Bobby sleeps in a basket. I’m starting to lose patience with them.

And you Geoffrey, don’t think you’re getting off scot free either. You should have realised they’re idiots and wouldn’t immediately know Bobby was a dog, despite your cunning visual clues. You’re not in an episode of Poirot for fuck’s sake.

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The gang spend 5 minutes doing passive-aggressive moves on Geoffrey, but when he relents and invites them along they tell him to fuck right off.

Then they sit like this until lunchtime:

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Their world has fucking ended. Geoffrey doesn’t love them anymore. He’s finally going to follow through on his threats to sell them for medical experiments. Even if he doesn’t they’ll end up on the mean streets where they will have to pimp out their (admittedly interesting) bodies just to afford gruel. It’s Cheeky D’s Crack ‘n’ Whore House from now on.

All this because they can’t identify a dog.

Geoffrey comes back in time to cook them dinner, thus snatching them from the jaws of death twice in once day.

There’s a twist – he hasn’t made them lunch at all, he’s done them a plate of salad. I am going to call the RSPCZ on him. I’m going to invent the RSPCZ, and then as soon as it exists I’m going to call them.

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To be fair to Geoffrey, he’s gone to the trouble of putting flowers on the table, so he must care a bit. On the other hand, he’s done them a salad. The flowers are probably for dessert.
To really rub it in, Geoffrey’s cooked Bobby a fillet steak, or at least something that isn’t fucking salad. Probably because Bobby doesn’t sit there being passive-aggressive and weird.

Now it’s time for the post-lunch whinge:

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I like this screenshot. It looks like Bungle’s the world weary barman, and they’re all going to break into ‘One For My Baby And One More For The Road’.

Geoffrey’s still not back, and it’s getting on for 2 in the afternoon. The gang decide to go to bed.

Well, kind of. What they actually do is decide to go sit on the bed and act depressed until Geoffrey comes home and finds them like that, in a weird passive-aggressive stand off:

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I paused it on the following bit, which looks like Geoffrey has come back and gone “I’m sick of your shit. You know what? I do love the dog more than I love you guys. He doesn’t shit everywhere for a start, Bungle, and he doesn’t lick his balls when I’m trying to watch Eastenders. Bungle. Again. So I’m going to kick you guys out and move him in, SO THERE.

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I wish that happened, but it doesn’t. What actually happens is Geoffrey comes in and they all have a nice chat about how Geoffrey isn’t dumping them for Bobby. However, at no point during this lovely, air clearing chat does Geoffrey mention that Bobby is a dog, so they STILL DON’T KNOW THIS.

It’s only when Geoffrey finally gets them all in the same room that the penny drops.

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Look at Geoffrey’s pleased face, the one he always gets when he’s outsmarted those three idiots.

Incidentally, I had to write that last line one-handed, because the real Bobby had decided my left arm was a great place to sit.

Rainbow episode review: Pow! Zap! Shit!

I love Batman, because he manages to be both a man and a bat, which is all kinds of talented. Therefore, a Rainbow/Batman crossover is right up my street.

Don’t worry, that’s what this episode is, I haven’t just gone mental.

We begin with Zippy sitting in this box:

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Can we all just take a step back and let our minds process that for a minute.

Zippy’s getting on everyone’s nerves by singing the Batman theme on a loop for seven years. Geoffrey’s pissed off because this is apparently stopping him doing his “work”. His work involves looking at some papers that are clipped together, and is NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN.

A few minutes later, George comes into the room to find Zippy still in his box. It’s amazing how he’s made it be eight times the size it was. No wonder he looks so pleased with himself.

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Zippy tells George he’s pretending to be Batman. George immediately gets this wrong and calls him ‘Zipman’. George did not do this on purpose, yet instead of throwing him down the stairs for being an idiot, Zippy decides the name ‘Zipman’ is wonderful.

Zippy redeems himself by making George be ‘Bobbin the Boy Blunder’ (still not as good as ‘George the Idiot Wanksock’) and off we go into an action packed knock-off…

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Are you paying attention Affleck? All you need are some burger boxes. I have immediately saved you $20,000,000, minus the cost of the burgers.

Apparently, the evil ‘Joker Geoffrey’ and his friend ‘Sourface Bungle’ want to stop everyone in the world laughing! I’ve got an idea guys – if you want to stop people laughing, show them this blog.

Shit, Geoffrey’s already “wiped the smiles off everyone’s faces”. Now all I can think about is Geoffrey going round giving people backhanders like Jason Statham.

Incidentally, Geoffrey makes a fucking awesome Batman villain. In fact, his bad guy roles are massively underrated in general – you’ve only got to watch his portrayals of ‘Mr Geoffrey’ and ‘Uncle Bill Grumpy‘ to see that.

There’s no time to lose! The Dynamic Duo go off in their box to do some crime fighting.

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Seriously, someone show this episode to Affleck, Nolan or similar.

Meanwhile, Joker Geoffrey and Sourface Bungle are in their hideout, doing evil things like sitting down. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – Bungle is fucking blind. How close does he need to hold that comic? He’s literally got it pressed against his face.

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The dastardly pair have stolen all the comics in the world! Geoffrey tells us this via a Bad Guy Speech, while Bungle stands there doing fuck knows what.

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Joker Geoffrey’s next evil plan is to steal all the jokes from the joke shops. I have no idea how this is going to stop people laughing. I’ve never met anyone who laughs at plastic dog poo and those fake ice cubes.

Bungle goes out to get every single bit of stock from every single joke shop in the world. He’s back five minutes later, as if he’d just popped to Tesco. Look at all the hilarious stuff they now have:

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My sides are fucking splitting.

Suddenly, Geoffrey and Bungle are stopped in their evil tracks by a fake rubber spider. They think it’s real, despite Bungle having dumped it on the table ten seconds ago.

This may or may not be important to the plot later.

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Geoffrey spots that it’s a fake and tells Bungle not to be so fucking wet.

Anyway, the pair have bigger things to worry about – Zipman and Bobbin have found their hideout! Geoffrey and Bungle hide.

Zipman and Bobbin find Geoffrey and Bungle by letting a flea out of a tin, on the off chance it will immediately head for them. This is despite Zippy pointing straight at their hiding place (spoiler alert – they’re under that sheet) and going “I don’t think we’re alone. Look, they’re under that sheet there. Look, that one there.”

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Amazingly, their demented plan works. But wait, what’s this? Oh no, it’s a huge rubber spider that’s somehow now dangling on a string from the ceiling!

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This lets Geoffrey and Bungle escape for about three seconds, until they are foiled by Zipman’s invisible wall.

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I don’t care how invisible that wall is, how did they get a wall in the car?

Anyway, this is normally the point where they’d all have a ‘Pow! Sock! ‘Twat!’ fight, but because this is Rainbow, Zippy just orders Bungle to grope Geoffrey until he laughs. It’s like that bit in the lift from Carry On Girls:

This solves everything, and we head back to real life. Geoffrey’s looking at Zippy like he knows about the imaginary groping thing.

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Geoffrey is still trying to do his ‘work’, which seems to involve going round making sure everything they own is still in the house and then ticking it off a list.

He doesn’t want Zippy and George dicking around making noise while he’s trying to work. In fact, you could say he’s acting a bit like Joker Geoffrey! Can you see where this is going?

Congratulations, you win a quid.

I might write to DC and suggest that from now on, Batman just squeezes the bad guys’ tits until they laugh. It seems to work, and he wouldn’t have to do any fighting which might rip his tights.

Cartoon All Stars: Show me your crack

Imagine the following. You’re 6 years old, and a cartoon version of ALF appears in your bedroom threatening to eat what you thought was your lamp. Do you:

A) start smoking crack

B) not start smoking crack

Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue was a 1990 TV special intended to prevent small children taking drugs. As everyone knows, kids are most in danger of developing a drug problem between the ages of 3 and 7. After this, they stop viewing it as a problem so it’s fine.

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This is a real thing that happened: some Americans sat round a table one day and said “Right, we need to stop toddlers smoking crack. This is a matter of urgency, so we need to do it STAT!”

I’m not sure what STAT is, but I know they say that in America.

And that’s how we ended up with Winnie The Pooh, the Smurfs, and the Muppet Babies all sat round nagging you.

Let’s follow our brave heroes through a journey of ‘Fucking What’, and then maybe we won’t start smoking crack either.

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Oh shit, someone is stealing Corey’s piggy bank! I wonder what they’re going to spend the money on. Not much, if real life piggy banks are anything to go by. When I was that age, my piggy bank contained 7p, paperclips, and various ‘top secret’ notes I’d posted to myself for some reason.

This prompts all Corey’s shameless TV cash-in merchandise to come to life.

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Garfield looks fucking raring to go. He only gets up when ALF threatens to eat him. Slimer also makes an appearance around this point, but he’s really just looking for something to eat.

In fact, only about 60% of the characters seem to want to do anything about this drugs situation, and they’re all the shit ones like the Smurfs, and the Chipmunks who aren’t Alvin.

I wonder why we’ve never had something similar in Britain.

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All the merchandise go in search of the piggy bank. Garfield knows exactly how the audience is feeling.

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We track down the piggy bank to her brother Michael’s room. Look how EVIL he is, and also I’m not sure his arm is supposed to bend that way.

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Michael hides his ‘box of drugs’ under his bed, where the merchandise are unable to keep their nose out of his property. That Chipmunk with the glasses explains the contents of the box to the others:

“My guess would be marijuana – an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.”

Don’t forget, this was 1990, so he managed to reel this off without reading from Wikipedia. Although I’m not sure Wikipedia would ever sound that judgemental.

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Corey is being unrealistically patient with Michael – “If you wanted money you could have just said!” rather than “YOU’RE A BASTARD I’M GETTING YOU DONE! MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!” and then kicking him in the shin.

Michael’s had enough of her shit so he goes to the arcade. When he gets there he starts doing an impression of me on a morning, while an evil cloud of smoke appears and starts talking to him.

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I wish a cloud of smoke would appear and start talking to me on a morning. It would make a fantastic sitcom. The smoke could be called Dave. In fact, I’ve already started writing a script:

Dave: “Good morning! You know what? I think you should do something evil today.”

(laugh track)

Me: “…”

Dave: “We could go unfold all the tops in Primark…”

Me: “Shut up I’m trying to scratch my fanny.”

(Trombone music plays)

Back to the plot. One of the bad dudes shows the others his crack:

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But before they can do anything with it, the rozzers happen to drive past the arcade, and this prompts everyone to panic and run out of the arcade. This is entirely logical.

Bugs Bunny turns up for a reason I must have missed. Michael deals with this by going “Fuck off rabbit.” I like Michael. Everyone should just leave him the fuck alone.

Bugs Bunny makes Michael go in a time machine, while Michael stands there looking bored.

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Then some other stuff happens, but I’m starting to lose the will to live. I think it’s something to do with the dad noticing his beer’s gone missing. The mum goes “Oh, you must have drunk it.” The dad accepts this explanation because he’s such a raging alcoholic. And then that girl has a boring conversation with Winnie The Pooh.

Let’s get back to the time machine. Here they are in the past. We witness the precise moment Michael stops being an annoying little shit and starts being a normal teenager.

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Bugs is now in auto-nag mode. “If everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you?” Well, let’s see:

A) They’re not.

B) It depends on whether I’ve got a nagging rabbit chasing me.

C) Is there weed at the bottom of this cliff?

Now Michelangelo is standing there telling him and Dave off, in a sewer. The Bugs Bunny/time travel thing just stopped with zero explanation.

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Oh I see, Michelangelo is the ghost of Christmas Present. Bugs Bunny was the ghost of being annoying.

Christmas Present involves riding a roller coaster of nightmares with the Muppet Babies. However, it’s not a proper Christmas until my dad comes into the living room and announces we’re eating off the big plates.

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Then there’s a big song and dance number that I AM FUCKING SKIPPING.

All this hallucinogenic nonsense isn’t quite enough to make Michael give up his weed. After all, it might come in handy one day, if he ever wants to smoke some weed. Dave points this out to him. It would have been better with a laugh track.

Then Michael’s reflection turns into ALF. This definitely needs a laugh track.

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Oh right, ALF is the ghost of Christmas Future. Christmas Future is set in the year 2027. Everyone is now a zombie and lives in a hall of mirrors. This is because of Brexit.

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While Michael’s off dicking about with Christmas stuff, Corey is thinking about smoking his weed. I suppose her money did pay for it, so it’s only fair. I think she should.

Dave thinks she should too. Bad Dave.

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Meanwhile, Michael is now being chased along a roller coaster track by one of Huey, Dewey and Louie, who is trying to kill him. Then he falls past his own tonsils, is waved at by Tigger in a boat, and gets spat out by Miss Piggy. This must be Boxing Day.

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Michael escapes from Boxing Day just in time to stop Corey nicking his stash, the massive freeloader. Then he announces he’s going to quit “drugs”, and all the merchandise go back into the poster that they weren’t in before, but ignore that.

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Then it stops. I think this means it’s finished. I don’t really fancy any drugs, but I’m now desperate to ingest something stupid just to spite these people, so I think I might go eat neat paprika with a spoon.

Rainbow episode review: When the fun stops, stop

A note – I have to defend Bungle right from the start, because I too have broken a swing just by sitting on it.

Spoiler alert.

Anyway, we start with a game of giant snap:

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Bungle needs cards that are bigger than Doncaster town centre because he’s blind. Look how he reads comics:

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Back to this episode, which is called ‘Safety First’. It’s all about being safe and not doing things like jumping out of windows or reheating rice. Snap is ok, because the chance of getting killed is minimal, unless Bungle “snaps” and beats Zippy to death with one of the giant cards.

The gang are bored of Snap, so Bungle goes to see if it’s stopped raining yet. Geoffrey comes into the room at this exact moment and decides to interpret Bungle looking out of the window as ‘Bungle trying to kill himself by leaning slightly out of a ground floor window’.

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Note to readers: unless you live on a moving train, what Bungle’s doing is not dangerous.

Geoffrey ‘rescues’ Bungle and gives him a stern talking to about how you must never do anything ever.

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Seriously, Bungle would have just got stuck in that window anyway.

Now it’s stopped raining, the gang decide to go play in the garden. This prompts another tirade of doom from Geoffrey. Things they are forbidden from doing in the garden include:

  • Playing on the swing
  • Gambling
  • Holding loo roll in their bumcheeks then setting fire to one end and seeing how far they can run before it burns their arse

Apparently they can’t play on the swing because the rope is fucked and Geoffrey needs to mend it. I would have thought a bigger reason they can’t play on the swing is that they don’t have one, since they’ve never had one in any other episode. This means Geoffrey has suddenly decided to buy them a broken swing.

They all race to the garden. George is first. Zippy declares that he’d have been first if he hadn’t opened the door for George. Bungle declares that if he “hadn’t been last”, he’d have been first. No you wouldn’t Bungle, you’d have been second you idiot.

Is it me or is Bungle fatter than usual today? He looks pregnant. Maybe we’re getting to that, what with the episode being called ‘Safety First’.

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They can’t think of anything good to do now they’re in the garden. Bungle suggests having a go on the swing, because HE HAS A DEATH WISH.

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If you haven’t figured out what happens next, go back up to the top of this post and start paying attention.

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Judging by the way Bungle’s going on, I think he has actually broken his arse. If he’s reacting like this to falling half a foot onto some grass, it’s probably a good job he didn’t try the loo roll thing.

Geoffrey hears the commotion and comes out. It’s not clear whether he’s assessing the damage to the swing or to Bungle’s arse.

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Geoffrey decides that now would be a good time to mend the swing. He could have just fucking done this in the first fucking place, instead of standing there shouting at Bungle for looking out of the window.

He reaches the swing by deliberately standing right on the edge of a box, for reasons I’m sure he knows about.

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George tells him to stop being a prick and to use the stepladder. I’m surprised he doesn’t make Geoffrey put a hard hat on as well, and fill out a risk assessment. Soo would do that if she were in this show. That’s why nobody likes Soo. George and Soo should just hang out together filling out risk assessments and tutting, the pair of twats.

Meanwhile, Bungle’s still acting like he’s just been bummed:

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Zippy and George trick him into sitting on a whoopee cushion. When it goes off, Bungle asks “Ooh, was that me?” Oh my god, I think his arse really is broken. How badly does your arse have to be injured for you to have to ask other people if you farted?

Geoffrey comes in and announces that he’s looking for his toolbox, while looking straight fucking at it.

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As it turns out, Zippy was about to start playing with the tools, but Geoffrey stops him just in time. Interestingly, he doesn’t administer half the bollocking he gave to Bungle, even though playing with tools is clearly more serious than looking out of the window.

Later on, Geoffrey has cut his finger with the screwdriver, and is bleeding to death.

18

Bungle runs upstairs to get a plaster but there aren’t any left. Geoffrey is definitely going to bleed to death.

Oh wait no, they do have some plasters after all. Look how happy Geoffrey is to not be bleeding to death:

19

He looks like he’s on the cover of Take A Break – “MY SCREWDRIVER HELL: love rat used the last plaster then shagged my best friend!”

The gang decide to make a first aid kit. This involves putting a bottle of TCP into a shoebox. Bungle is far too happy about this.

20

Geoffrey’s mended the swing! The others are so grateful to him that they trick him into sitting on the whoopee cushion from earlier.

21

Geoffrey laughs along but also considers selling the three of them for medical experiments.

The end.