Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house

Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house

A little while ago I wrote about a bunch of odd things I found on the internet, or lurking on my hard drive.

And by “a little while ago”, I meant yesterday, or three and a half years ago. I’m not much for set deadlines.

But as it turns out, the inked-in-blood contract I signed with Jenny had some fine print. Apparently if I don’t write a follow-up, she gets my immortal soul.

She also gets my DVD of SHAUN OF THE DEAD, which I consider a lot more valuable, and slightly less worn out.

So guess what, we’re going back for a second look at whatever the hell I find today. I’ll even add helpfully descriptive headings this time. Continue reading “Weird shit reviews vol 2: Come on my house”

Stupid horror VHS covers

Stupid horror VHS covers

When I was a kid, I’d spend many a happy Friday evening at the video shop, trying to sneak a peek at the videos that weren’t meant for my 6 year old eyes, before my mother caught me and dragged me off to look at Huckleberry Hound videos.

Apart from staring in amused incomprehension at The Lovers’ Guide, the main attraction was the horror section. This was because horror movies always had the most interesting covers. I never really understood what was supposed to be going on in the films, but I knew it was probably something quite naughty.

As an adult, horror covers look less terrifying than they used to, and mostly as if they were made by divs. I’m building up a pretty good collection of the best examples, so let’s have a look through some super duper scary classics. In keeping with tradition, I’m just going to try and guess what the plot of the film is.

Disclaimer: none of these are as good as the imaginary film I dreamed about, called ‘Bum Dracula’.

Ghost House

vhs1

The plot: That girl is angry because she’s been touching one of those science balls and it’s made her hair go like that. Maybe the house is a ghost? Continue reading “Stupid horror VHS covers”

Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?

Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?

Every once in a while, I come across an episode that makes me go “For fuck’s sake Bungle!” within the first five seconds. That’s how I know it’s a good episode.

This episode made me go “For fuck’s sake everyone” x 1000 within the first five seconds, and that is why I am now reviewing it for you.

Observe.

The gang are trying, and failing, to get the apples that have been glued to their cardboard tree. This tree is never seen in any other episodes; maybe they chopped it down in a fit of impotent rage. It was the tree’s own fault, flaunting its apples like that.

This episode is supposed to be called ‘Problem Solving Together’, but I think it’s actually called ‘Creating even more problems together because you’re all divs and knobheads’.

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Geoffrey: “It’s no good, I can’t reach them!”

What, are those apples fucking nailed to that tree?

Me: “Geoffrey, stop lying. I know it’s funny to upset Bungle, but you’re literally bending your limbs so you can’t reach them on purpose, you psychopath.”

Zippy suggests throwing a mild twig at the tree. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: How d’ya like them apples?”

My 90s pencil tin: a tribute

My 90s pencil tin: a tribute

Do you want to hear a heartwarming and inspiring story? Last year, I managed to buy my childhood pencil tin off Ebay. My pride and joy at junior school was an oversized Jelly Babies pencil tin, and I’d spent years and years searching for another one. Finally, my search was at an end, and I paid seven whole quid for a Jelly Babies tin. Hurrah! I was so happy.

But then… it got LOST IN THE POST.

My reaction:

spongebob sad

Imagine, if you will, sad music playing while I wander along a street in the rain, pausing only to look in brightly lit windows and watch happy crowds of people, all with pencil tins. It was a tough time.

Gradually I recovered, and even started to forget about my tin. It seemed I’d never own it, and was destined to wander the earth tinless.

But then…

IMG_20190102_174241690

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT! Continue reading “My 90s pencil tin: a tribute”

My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)

Dear Santa,

How are you? I am fine. Did you like that thing I did the other year, when I wrapped up my boyfriend’s glasses and gave them to him for Christmas? He didn’t think it was funny but it was.

This year, I would like the following things please. I know you won’t read this letter properly, because you never do, what with being rushed off your feet, and cuts and whatever. That’s why I’ll end up getting slippers and a set of notelets. Never mind, it’s the thought that counts.

But just in case it makes your job easier, here’s a list of things I always wanted but never managed to get. Some were no doubt too expensive, some were too old/too young (delete as applicable), and some were just “We’re not getting her that Phil, she’ll play with it once then break it.”

Anyway, get me this stuff please. I’ll give you the money at some point.

1. Helix cash box

cash box

For keeping all my money safe. All the 35p that I have, and probably a paperclip I found on the floor and decided could be used as currency in a game of She-Ra. The point is, my sisters won’t be able to get in this box and see my secret note that says I love Daniel and not Ben. And the one that says my sisters are bastards.

What I will get instead: An ornament for my mantelpiece. (I don’t have a mantelpiece.) Continue reading “My letter to Santa (sponsored by the 1991 Argos catalogue)”

Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza

Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza

Welcome back to my museum of shit mugs. As I write this, I have an unopened present from one of my family members under my Christmas tree. It is definitely mug shaped.

It is either:

  • A Daniel O’Donnell mug
  • Unicorn nonsense that has a pack of sweets in it
  • A hilarious mug with a picture of a cock on it that someone’s bought me from a charity shop

I’ll keep you posted. In the meantime, please enjoy this cavalcade of penguins, royal weddings, and steam trains.

Andy and Fergie’s wedding (from Catt Weazle)

catt weazle andy fergie Continue reading “Crap Cups part 3: Barry Manilow extravaganza”