Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off

I’m in a bad mood for two reasons:

1. My laptop is powered by steam and extinct eggs.

2. I was sewing shit onto my boyfriend’s work uniform FOR AN HOUR. It was only three things, but I suck at sewing. I think I bled to death.

Given that, I’ve chosen a nice cheery episode today. I’m watching this blind so I don’t know what happens, but it’s called ‘Worried And Weary’, so I assume it’s going to fit my mood.

Right.

George is being a bellend, as usual.

1

How dare he go round collecting money for the hospital. And, more specifically, how dare he say to the hospital “Yes I will collect money for you. No don’t worry I’ll get loads of money, I know more than six people, including two who have 20p in the world, no don’t worry.” George lied.

Also, which hospital is this supposed to be? My guess is ‘Rainbow hospital’. Is there an episode where one of them goes to hospital? I’ve never seen it, but I bet it would be a nice mix of heartwarming and shoddy. Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Oh just fuck off”

Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever

The other night I was reading the 1979 Whizzer and Chips annual, when a story called “Whizz Wheels” caught my eye.

Normally I don’t read the ‘action’ stories, preferring to skip straight to more light hearted fare like Fuss Pot and Beat Your Neighbour. But something about this story told me to stop and read it. I’m glad I did, because now I’m obsessed with it. Naturally I had to share it with you guys, and I think you will all be better people for it.

So join me, intrepid reader, for a tale of crime, intrigue, and penny farthings…

EPSON MFP image

“This is Tommy Wheels, known as ‘Whizz’ to his pals”. Really? Tommy Wheels? This is the biggest load of nominative determinism since I changed my name to ‘Sitting On The Settee Scratching Myself’.

I like to think Tommy Wheels secretly really hates bikes, but he’s under enormous pressure from his friends and family to be some kind of bike nut. Maybe Tommy would really like a horse, but he can’t have a horse because horses don’t have wheels. Also – “Your dad rode bikes, and I’m fucked if you’re going to shame this family by not riding bikes.” Continue reading “Twat On A Bike: the best Whizzer and Chips story ever”

Rainbow episode review: Rebel without a clothes

This episode is called ‘The Show Offs’, and is about the following things:

1: Bungle’s inability to not be naked, AGAIN.

2: Some other stuff.

Geoffrey is decorating the garden with tinsel and flags. This is because they’re planning to have one of those weird concerts where only they turn up.

1

At this concert, everyone’s going to be doing their talent. Let me tell you – I’ve just discovered that I can do a banging impression of Sunderland manager Simon Grayson, which is more impressive when you consider that I’ve never heard him speak. That’s better than any of the shit this lot can come up with.

“I’ll be the best. Everyone knows I’m the best singer,” says Zippy.

“Yes yes we all know you can sing,” says Geoffrey. “Meanwhile, my talent is not having killed any of you three yet.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Rebel without a clothes”

The shit you can win on a 2p machine

I love 2p machines, I always have. Nothing beats the thrill of seeing an almost worthless coin inching its way forward, before finally dropping down that hole that means you haven’t won it. The only thing that comes close to beating it is the thrill of winning something you have absolutely no use for after the first ten seconds of owning it.

time for tea bognor regis

Some absolute BASTARDS (I’m looking at you Butlins in Skegness) have done away with 2p machine prizes altogether, instead saving their cheap useless crap for the 10p machines. This, as you know, goes against the natural order of things. Expect Skegness to have a plague of locusts or something soon, thanks to those money grabbing, fun hating pricks.

As far as I know, no one else has gone along with this evil, so let’s get back to normal 2p machines, where it is entirely possible to spend a lucky 20p brightening up your day by winning a ‘fashion comb’ or an eraser that looks like a £50 note. Continue reading “The shit you can win on a 2p machine”

Rainbow episode review: Tool Time

This episode is about tools, and using tools, and working hard with tools, and Bungle, who is a tool.

Let’s begin. Geoffrey is washing everyone’s bras:

bras

“Oh dear, we do have a lot of washing considering three of us are nudists!”

Geoffrey goes to the kitchen to toil. Zippy shouts after him:

where socks

“Geoffrey, I can’t find my blue socks!”

“Zippy, how many times? You don’t own any socks, you don’t own any feet.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: Tool Time”

Rainbow episode review: House of Cards

Sometimes it’s nice to just be a dick for no reason. If you do need a reason to be a dick, I suggest the following reasons:

– Someone’s being slow at a cashpoint

– That woman off that advert

– They’re riding those fucking quad bikes outside your flat again

– You’re awake

In this episode, the Rainbow gang have all decided to be dicks to each other for no real reason. They do that sometimes. That is the plot. Then they all make friends again.

Spoiler alert.

Zippy’s building a house of cards (quite an achievement when you’ve only got one arm), when George rocks up and shows off his new hat:

2

“What do you think of my new hat Zippy? I made it myself!”

Pop quiz – will Zippy say:

a) “Yes it’s a beautiful hat and not at all shit.”

b) “It’s quite a nice hat, but I’m more interested in your opinion on Cartesian dualism.”

c) “Lol what a shit hat.” Continue reading “Rainbow episode review: House of Cards”