Like everyone, I spend approximately six hours a day watching Rainbow. This is because I am cool and great.
During these Rainbow marathons, I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon – the Rainbow house is infinitely big on the inside, with the ability to expand so it contains exactly as many rooms as the cast needs that day, but no more.
Here it is, inside and outside –
And here we see George describing the house as “little”. Not ‘big’ or ‘huge’ or ‘a bastard to clean on your own, I’ll have to get a man in’, but “little”. Admittedly, he mostly seems to be concerned with how shiny the floor is.
Now then. Let’s take the following discussion between the gang as our starting point. In the episode Bungle’s High And Mighty Day, the number of bedrooms in the house is clearly established –
That’s it. Bungle has absolutely nowhere to sleep other than A) in Geoffrey’s room, or B) squashed in with Zippy and George like a pleb.
Other highlights of this discussion include Geoffrey’s incredulous face upon hearing Bungle dares to not want to share a bed with two other people, and George’s eagerness to have Geoffrey in bed with them, right now.
Anyway, back to the house only having two possible bedrooms. I think not. The Rainbow house has many rooms, as demonstrated by the following episodes. We’re not just talking about one spare room here, we’re talking about a whole host of rooms, enough rooms to necessitate an entire rack.
This article is dedicated to getting whingeing fat wild animal Bungle a place to sleep for the night, other than in a puddle of Zippy and George’s piss and shit. As you will see, there are loads of options.
The spare room
As seen in – George’s Secret Place
The Rainbow house clearly does have a spare room, and Geoffrey is a big fat liar when he says they only have two bedrooms. In this episode, George explains to the viewers that he hangs out in the spare room whenever the others are getting on his tits. None of the others have a clue where George goes, almost like they have no idea this spare room even exists. Well it does, because George is in it. It’s not my fault if Geoffrey, Zippy and Bungle don’t even know how many rooms they have.
The room is full of boxes, but this doesn’t matter. I’m sure they can be stacked up to make enough room for an air mattress. Conveniently, this spare room is never mentioned again.
As seen in – Souvenirs In The Loft
The important thing here is not that Bungle’s doing a pole dance. The important thing is that they have a loft. Things they currently keep in the loft include an old pram frame, some shit Geoffrey made years ago, photo albums, and ghosts. None of this stuff is impossible to get rid of, paving the way for a nice new loft conversion. Bungle can take his friends up to his attic room, in case he ever gets any friends.
The music room
As seen (or heard about) in – Sardines In A Tin
You’ve dropped everyone right in it here Freddy. Check this out. After Freddy stops being a dick (which I’ve included because I couldn’t not) he clearly states that he’s going to go look for his maracas in “the music room”. Listen Geoffrey – if your house has a room just for keeping your music in, then it has a room for keeping your fat moaning bear in.
However, did Freddy really mean the music room? Or did he mean…
The other kitchen
A seen in – Music 1
This is their giant kitchen/music room –
As you can see, it isn’t built within the confines of actual space, but within a big blue void. Compare this to their normal kitchen –
Which has a sink full of washing up and about four square feet of space. Now, Geoffrey you’re just being silly here. If you have room in your house/void for a second kitchen, which no one really needs, then you have somewhere for Bungle to do his private things. I don’t care how sexy you look in that chef’s hat.
And speaking of a big void…
As seen in – Outer Space
I would like to address the most obvious rebuttal to my thesis right now – “Oh, that’s obviously just the living room done out to look like a spaceship, you big twat.” I might be a twat, but you, sir, are wrong.
There’s no way this can be their living room, because they have actually gone to space in it –
Even those who doubt the veracity of the Moon Landing footage can’t deny what they see here. The inflatable rocks, the cardboard space… stuff, and the alien that gets pissy over a cheese sandwich are all solid bits of proof. The Rainbow gang really did go into space. Don’t tell me they did that from the comfort of their living room.
Now we come to the most insane entry on this list –
The fruit room
As seen in – Fruits
Ok, this is only seen in one of Bungle’s stupid dreams, but it still counts. They have an entire room/white void where they do nothing but paint fruit. Or where they are fruit. Or something, I don’t know.
Bungle might be a lemon. George is apparently a pineapple,because he’s “all hard to touch”. Geoffrey is wearing a shirt with fruit on it, which is cheating.
The dance studio
As seen in – Dancing
Otherwise known as ‘Madame Zippy’s School Of Dancing’. Again, don’t try and tell me they’ve just done their living room out, because on no planet would they rip out all the furniture and install a barre and mirror for one afternoon, just because Bungle expressed a vague interest in learning to dance. Especially not when Bungle’s wishes clearly never count for anything the rest of the time, which is why I’m having to write this article in the first place.
Anyway, Bungle got tired after six seconds of dancing, leaving the others to stand there doing ballet.
As seen in – Whispers
The Rainbow house must have a landing, because it has an upstairs. Unless all the doors of the upstairs rooms just open onto a sheer drop. Stranger things have happened on Rainbow.
I would have just assumed this was the case until I saw the above episode, which clearly demonstrates the fact that they have a landing. However, the purpose of the landing appears to be as a place to talk about Bungle behind his back, and to plan surprise birthday parties. If this is the case, then it’s not surprising Bungle can’t sleep there. Plus, everyone would trip over him in the night when they got up for a piss.
Also, I have no proof that this is the landing, it just definitely is.
As seen in – Bungle’s High And Mighty Day
They have a pretty good sized bath in the Rainbow house, and Bungle could utilise this space, even if he doesn’t want to share a bath with Zippy and George. He could definitely get a quilt ‘n’ pillows thing going on in the bath.
I completely agree with Bungle on the bath sharing thing. There’s barely room for Zippy and George in that bath, so where the hell is Bungle going to go? I bet he’d end up getting the taps.
As seen in – A Visit To Auntie’s
I don’t know why they have a car in some episodes but have to get the bus in others. All I can think is that Geoffrey’s finances are unstable, s he has to keep pawning his car. This isn’t really surprising, since his job seems to be putting up with Bungle, Zippy and George, and occasionally making a rocket out of a cardboard box.
Anyway, I’ve slept in a car before, and it isn’t too bad. Bungle would have to have the roof up though, otherwise he might as well just be sleeping in the garden.
Speaking of which…
The tent in the garden
As seen in – Night out
Don’t even try to tell me this isn’t a viable option Bungle, because you built this ‘tent’ yourself. If it’s good enough for you, then it’s good enough for you. I don’t care that you turn into a big wuss the minute you get in it, and end up running back into the house before Coronation Street.
Anyway, it’s not even a tent, it’s a cardboard box, you stupid hairy coward.
As seen in – Our Common Land
Come on Bungle, maybe it’s time to get back to nature. Also, why are you doing the Thriller dance in that picture?
Anyway, you already have a head start here, since there’s a ready made den for you to hibernate in. Admittedly, it’s also home to the world’s shittest gang, but since that gang includes you, it shouldn’t be a problem.
Also, notice how the password to get into their shit den is ‘rainbow’. That’s the most obvious password that’s ever existed, yet Geoffrey still didn’t get it. Come on Geoffrey, you don’t exactly have to be Chloe O’Brian to figure that password out.
The point is that this would be a perfect place for Bungle to sleep. He could do all his other bear business here too, such as shitting in the corner, growling, and eating people.
I’ve used all this data to draw an approximate floor plan of the Rainbow house, and Bungle can refer to it whenever he’s stuck for somewhere to sleep. You’re welcome Bungle.