Bras, Mr T and lighting farts: Rubbish PSAs

Hello. I hope you don’t fall into a silage pit while reading this, or climb up a pylon and get electrocuted. I would be sad.

Horror movies? Please. The seminal series 999 starring Michael Buerke? No, although that was shit-your-pants scary too.

These are nothing compared to public service announcements.

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PSAs back in the day made all manner of things simultaneously terrifying and tempting. As kids, we’d never have thought to do most of these things, but suddenly there were adverts announcing that pylon climbing or farm messing about were real things, which we could do, if we were so inclined. Of course, they went on to say that the outcome of these activities was DEATH, so they should never be attempted.

Balls to that; my friends and I took great pleasure in attempting to recreate these adverts to prove we were hard. Having said that, we also thought we were being hard by walking past the “haunted bungalow” on our estate. It was only haunted because the people had moved out and left some furniture behind.

The point is that our PSAs were designed to get across the message “never do anything ever.” If you did anything, you would die.

Having said that, there were a few PSAs that missed the mark entirely, and just seemed to have the message “don’t watch PSAs”.

Obviously, I’ve included appropriate dares with these PSAs, in order to keep you looking sufficiently hard in front of your friends.

1. Mr T says you better not do drugs or he’ll kill you

I can understand maybe one word in three of this PSA, but I gather that Mr T isn’t happy with the idea of us doing drugs. Personally, if Mr T approached me out of nowhere in a cafe and started ranting in my face like that, I’d give it about half an hour before I’ve injected heroin just to calm down.

Seriously, by the time the adverts ends you’re actually on the floor and not only is Mr T looming over you, but he’s roped his friends in to give you a good kicking too. That lady looks like she’ll cut you.

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I don’t know if this is overkill or just kill.

Dare: go into Starbucks and do that to a hipster. You won’t win a prize, but I bet it will be quite funny.

2. Don’t put it in your mouth

“Before you eat anything, you should always ask someone you love if it’s ok.” Surely this depends on you loving anyone in the first place. When I was little, I loved Cobra from Gladiators, but it wouldn’t have been practical for me to write to him and wait for a reply every time I wanted to eat something.

I think they mean your parents and stuff, but they’re not around 24/7. For example, what do you do when you’re at school? Most kids actively hate their teachers rather than loving them, so that’s not an option. I suppose you could carry round a magic 8 ball with a picture of your mum sellotaped to it. Then if it/she says ‘All signs point to yes’, the go ahead and eat that thing you found on the floor.

Also, at the beginning they were about to attempt to eat an entire pot plant. Idiots.

Dare: put it in your mouth, even if you don’t love that person.

3. VD is for everybody

I get what they’re trying to do with this ad, although they make VD sound like a brand of luxury butter. The point is that anyone can get the clap, from anything. You can get VD from the air, from the phone book, from using a word that someone else has previously used.

This woman got it from her horse?

horse vd

Whatever. Everyone seems super happy about having VD. Maybe I should get some.

Dare: find a good VD stockist near you.

4. Don’t light your arse on fire

TL;DR – a useless firefly tries to simulate its arse glow by lighting a match. Things don’t go well.

Right, let me get this straight. That naughty cockroach nicked that box of matches from his mum’s kitchen. His mother is, presumably, also a cockroach. Yet those are human sized matches. Exactly how big is his mother? Now I can’t shift the mental image of a 5 ft tall cockroach wearing an apron.

The point is that the useless firefly ends up burning his arse, and then the entire town. With one match. Admittedly, it is a giant match. I don’t know where I’m going with this. Maybe the human equivalent is don’t try to light your own farts?

Dare: Try to light your own farts.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

You can get blood from a stone

I’m confused. If you can get blood from a stone, of all things, just by shouting at it, then why do we have to donate any of ours? There are loads of stones knocking about the place.

He-Man and She-Ra on inappropriate touching

Says the man wearing nothing but a bra.

Superman isn’t cool

Superman declares that smoking isn’t big, hard or clever.

You tell ’em Superman.

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