The other night, the mister and I decided to sit in bed watching 80s kids classics. Among the episodes of Trap Door and Bertha, we found The Shoe People. Fucking hell is what I will say for now.
There are lots of episodes available on Youtube, and the whole series can be found on Amazon Prime, if you’re mental enough to want to watch it. Incidentally, episode 4 costs £1.89 for you view it on Amazon Prime, and many people have. This makes me wonder what’s so special about episode 4:
Why do you pay for that one episode? Cynical people might suggest that it’s Amazon’s way of tricking you into spending £1.89 by not paying attention. Like anyone is going to be so desperate to get to the next episode of The Shoe People that they just press anything to make it play.
The mister and I speculated on why else this might be. Possibly it’s the episode containing all the stuff you need to know to understand the story arcs: maybe episode 4 is where you find out where the bomb is, or who the father is, or something like that.
Spoiler alert: it’s no such thing.
And anyway, episode 4 is on Youtube. The idiots. Needless to say, I’m going to look at this mythical episode 4.
This whole episode is about a shoe that comes to life, or something. This whole series is about that. The first episode is nothing but introducing the shoes, all of which are boring stereotypes. For example, there is a woman ballerina one, a woman one who gets into trouble and has to be rescued, a baby one, and an army one who keeps having ‘Nam flashbacks.
In episode 4 we meet Trampy, the most beige of all the shoes. His entire personality is that he’s got a hole in him. That’s it. Come on, I’m not expecting Shakespeare, but this is taking the piss.
Anyway, Trampy sits in his garden and thinks about when he didn’t have a hole in him, and that’s it.
Even though this episode has little to no plot, it still raises the following questions:
- Why would the shoe mending guy “never throw a shoe away” when two seconds previously there was a bin full of shoes that had been thrown away?
That bin is also full of empty booze bottles, which raises fewer eyebrows than the whole sentient shoe thing.
2. Why, if he was beyond repair, would he not have gone into that bin? What was Mr Minit going to do with him?
3. That army boot does not raise the subject of Trampy’s overgrown hedge by shouting. As we learn in episode 1, every day he makes a paper aeroplane note and throws it into Trampy’s garden, where it lands in the bin along with all the others.
4. Seriously, why did Mr Minit save that shoe? Apparently he has no idea that the shoes come to life when he leaves the shop. Is he a hoarder? Does he get off on odd shoes?
5. No really, why?
6. Why have they got houses?
7. There’s a Sergeant Major shoe. Does this mean there’s a shoe army somewhere, ready to go fight? Or are these soldiers’ shoes? If so, is there a soldier walking round with one shoe on?
Fuck all of these questions are answered in this episode. Let’s try another.
Wait. This is Margot the ballet slipper’s origin story. Yet according to episode 4, Trampy has been hanging out with her for years. I hate this show.
Margot has a very deep man’s voice.
Also, Trampy fancies Margot. Also, everyone fancies Margot, as they all drop everything and turn up to her stupid dancing show in her garden. WHY DOES SHE HAVE A GARDEN! SHE’S A SHOE.
Right. Margot comes out to dance for the assembled audience, but instead of dancing she just waters her plants. I’m going to go out on a limb and predict the plot: the posters for the show have the wrong day on them, so Margot is just doing her ordinary shit (ordinary for a sentient shoe with a house). The others, being so in love with her, fail to realise this, and think it’s some kind of genius interpretive dance performance. I bet I’m right. She’s such a Mary Sue that she could wander into the garden and start doing a shoe poo on the grass, and the others would give her an award.
Oh. Apparently I’m wrong wrong wrong. That was meant to be the dance routine, and even the flowers joined in. They all clap.
And that’s the end. Seriously, I’ve watched 6 of these bloody episodes now, and none of them have a plot. It’s like the makers of the show threw a pin at a dictionary, and whatever word it stuck in would be the theme of the show. This is the epitome of ‘fuck it, it’s only kids, it’ll do’ programming.
In another episode, that female flip flop one falls into the sea and has to be rescued.
This screenshot maybe isn’t the best one, as Flip Flop appears to be A) floating in mid air above the water and B) stoned off her tits.
The mild peril is all very well, but the audience knows nothing about Flip Flop or her character, therefore doesn’t care whether she lives or dies. Her one characteristic is that she’s a shoe, just like all the others. This show is full of shit like that, and I am not going to watch it any more. I don’t care if Flip Flop goes on to join IS, or gets arrested for drink driving, or if that army one learns he has 10 minutes to find and disarm the bomb. I’m going to do something better with my time, like anything else at all.