I’m a girl, and as such I only like miniature versions of myself that piss and shit. Given this information, it’s no surprise that the vast majority of adverts for creepy, dead-eyed Uncanny Valley residents were aimed at me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dolls. Dolls don’t answer back, unless I’ve been drinking. I also love doll adverts, even though the majority are unrealistic. Doll adverts should show the doll taking part in a re-creation of some episode of Brookside that you watched with your parents and didn’t fully understand. At the very least, they should show Barbies in their natural state – naked and scribbled on with all their hair cut off.
Whatever. Let’s have a look at children who are not me playing with dolls correctly, courtesy of a bunch of random adverts I found.
As I said, Western Barbie will probably end up starring in a game where she’s having an affair with Ken, who’s currently married to Sindy/She-Ra/a Cabbage Patch Doll, and then the two of them have to go to the moon. They probably won’t play cattle rustling, because that’s quite boring when you’re a 5 year old girl.
Also, this advert is strange. Note how Barbie walks up to Ken and looks him square in the face – Ken’s reaction is to take out a photo of Barbie and look at that. Is he checking her ID?
I don’t go to church, but I’m considering it now. This advert does not sit well with anyone who watched Child’s Play when they were 9. Look at her sat there, pretending to be a doll, getting increasingly pissed off as she gets manhandled. That kid isn’t helping matters – she just marches up to the doll and starts bellowing in her face. That would piss me off too.
And her eyes follow you round the room. I don’t mean literally, I mean they’re still in her head.
The eyes. I hope to god the eyes are supposed to follow you round the room. You know what I’d do if I caught that doll looking at me? Poke her eyes out with a stick then fetch a priest.
Day to night Barbie and Ken
At first I thought this was the ‘Barbie and Ken go to a shit Travelodge for the night’ playset, given her suitcase. But then I saw she changes into some sort of ballet dress. I prefer my idea – it could have been a continuation of the ‘Barbie is having an affair with Sindy’s husband and they have to go to the moon’ game. And the Travelodge is now on the moon. Why has she got a suitcase?
Oh my god it’s the holy grail of shit dolls. Regular readers will know that I have a hard time getting NKOTB in the right order, so I just write KNOB for convenience.
Anyway look, they’ve got dolls of them all! John! Donny (?)! Malcolm! Jason? Zayn!
These fans scare the shit out of me, especially that first one. “I am the Lord of all things KNOB. Dare to disagree with me and I will cut you, oh yes I will.”
This advert translates to ‘If you don’t buy ALL these dolls, then you’re not a proper KNOB fan, and if you ever meet KNOB they will somehow know about this, and they will shun you like the worthless non-fan you are.’
Two outcomes from this advert would make me happy. One – if the friend of the girl was her real kid sister, only the main girl had decided she was a rubbish sister, and had bought a doll to replace her. The advert is just the sister following her around, begging to be accepted. Two – if that kid sister doll is so brilliant that eventually the girl’s parents prefer it to their daughter, and start saying things like “Why can’t you be more like your kid sister? She knows when to shut the hell up.”
Everyone had a piss doll, but this one is special because she pisses real piss. And this doll has a permanent ‘Why are you doing this? Why are you so interested?’ expression on her face.
I think that potty is like one of those ‘magic’ baby bottles. I love those. They sell them in our pound shop, I might get one. Anyway, this is like one of those, only it’s filled with piss. Presumably it was someone’s job to piss into the potties before they were boxed up. Imagine being able to write ‘I have magic piss’ on your CV.
Talk with me Barbie
This Barbie comes with a free AOL disc, and you can go online and chat to her, even though she’s A) not alive and B) is sat right next to you. I think that’s what happens, I wasn’t paying attention.
Barbie can say the following phrases – ‘LOL’, ‘U OK HUN’, ‘INBOX ME’ ‘Know who else liked Barbies? Hitler.’, ‘For every RT some money gets magically donated somewhere’, ‘I’m seriously gonna delete my profile guys, I’m not kidding this time.’
There were plans for a later version of this Barbie, who could do manual retweets. But everyone stabbed her.
I’m going to go away now.