Rainbow: Bungle tries speed and joins the Happy Mondays

I think the correct name for this episode is ‘Exercise Is Fun’, but I prefer my title. In short – Bungle decides he’s going to go on a diet, so for the whole day he only has peas and speed.

I’m not sure why Bungle thinks he has to go on a diet. Aren’t bears supposed to be massive? He’s definitely not doing it to get into his clothes, that’s for sure. But I’m going to write about this episode because I’m a fellow diet sufferer at the moment. And by ‘sufferer’, I mean everyone around me is currently suffering because I can’t have a Chocolate Orange. According to the mister, I am “like Steven Seagal” when I’m on a diet. Apparently I do “rampaging”. He only said that because last night I punched a book. In my defence, the book wouldn’t stop playing ‘If you’re happy and you know it’.

Anyway, back to Bungle. Bungle has decided that he’s going to lose seventeen stone in half an hour. This is how he’s getting on so far –

 

Did he get those clothes from lost property?

Meanwhile, Zippy and George are sat having “a little snack” as they explain to Geoffrey. It is a little snack, since it consists of about two rich tea biscuits each. This still isn’t little enough for Geoffrey, who declares it to be “a great big snack”.

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“You shouldn’t eat so many snacks between meals, it’s bad for you” says Geoffrey, eating an apple. To be fair, apples aren’t food. No one eats them through choice.

This insanity is broken up when the gang hear Bungle doing his self-imposed boot camp in the garden. That suddenly stops, and Bungle comes in the house to sweat all over everyone. Geoffrey asks the obvious and stupid question “Why are you doing all this running?” Well gee whizz Geoffrey, let’s see. He’s either training for a marathon, on a diet, or working off the copious amount of speed he’s ingested. Since we’ve already established that bears don’t go on diets, and Bungle can’t be doing a marathon because he isn’t allowed out of the garden, we’re left with the last option. That would explain him being dressed like the Happy Mondays as well.

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Wow, I’ve just noticed that Bungle’s t shirt says ‘Bungle Bear’. Someone actually custom made that t shirt for him. Unless it’s a massive coincidence.

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Bungle goes back into the garden to run round the garden again, “only this time, twice as fast!” He’s definitely had speed, or at the very least a Nespresso.

This is why Geoffrey doesn’t need to worry about Zippy and George eating too much – all the food they eat just falls straight back out of their mouths.

 

Zippy’s all “Look at me, I don’t do any exercise and I’m ok.” Then the joke is supposed to be that he struggles to open a packet of biscuits. I call bullshit on this. Zippy’s inability to open biscuits is clearly down to the fact that he has one arm, so is trying to shake them open. It’s got nothing to do with him never going jogging.

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Bungle comes back in, having injured himself. “Ooh I’ve got stitch!” he whinges, before collapsing into a chair. Geoffrey decides waving a towel near him will help. He’s not a bull Geoffrey, he’s a strange bear.

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Then Bungle gets cramp in his leg, so Geoffrey attempts to pull his leg off. Zippy makes a joke about Bungle looking fit, but George, as usual, ruins it by pointing out that Bungle doesn’t look fit. Zippy, understandably, stares into the grey void for a while after this.

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Geoffrey suggests some lunch. Zippy and George are enthusiastic about this plan. They tell Geoffrey they’re hungry, to which Geoffrey replies “How on earth can you two be hungry?” Look Geoffrey, we’ve been through this. Any food those two put in their mouths comes straight out again. If you really want them to not be hungry, you either need to inject their food, or stick it up their bum.

Lunchtime! This is Bungle’s lunch –

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Geoffrey starts having a go at him for only having peas, despite the fact that it was Geoffrey who made lunch for everyone. Sometimes I want to hit myself in the face with a brick.

He then turns his attention to Zippy and George, who are eating cake. Geoffrey, I won’t tell you again.

After a six hour protracted nag about how you’ve got to eat salad all the time, we move on.

Zippy and George are feeling sick after pretending to eat too many cakes. Bungle, meanwhile, goes back into the garden, this time to do some weightlifting. I’ve just realised Bungle is naked again.

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Where the hell did Bungle get that barbell from?

Predictably, Bungle hurts himself, then we cut to an awesome video of Geoffrey dicking about being a strongman –

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After this, Geoffrey puts his foot down and decides they’re all going to do low-impact aerobics. While naked. Well, Geoffrey isn’t naked, but the others are. I don’t know what happened to the Happy Mondays outfit. Maybe Bungle donated it to the poor.

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Then the episode just sort of ends. What have we learned? Don’t eat peas. Exercising is terrible unless you’re naked. But also don’t lift weights if you are naked and a bear. Also, Geoffrey is brilliant at nagging. I still haven’t had a Chocolate Orange.

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