We might put the Christmas tree up tonight, although we might not bother and just sit there staring instead. Plus, I need to work on the following screenplays.

If you steal my ideas I’ll cut you.

Now then:

Santa Vs Girls Aloud

Girls Aloud are trying to cancel Christmas because they can’t be bothered. Especially that blonde one. It’s up to Santa (played by Jason Statham and that blonde one off Girls Aloud) to stop them. There’s a good bit where Statham has a fight with the ginger one outside a Netto.

The Man Who Kicked Christmas

In this charming Jason Statham biopic, Statham (played by Jason Statham) must apologise to Santa for kicking him in a pub last week. It’s a race against time to find Santa and send him a sorry note and some nice pot pourri before he cancels Christmas. The twist is that Santa isn’t real, and Statham actually kicked a tramp but he was pissed so he got a bit mixed up.

The Christmas List

The plot of this movie is some spoilt kid reads out a list of all the stuff they want for Christmas. Highlights include minute 9 (a pony), minute 47 (a Barbie) and minute 89 (all the other kids in the world to die except me so I can have their presents too). Also a bank robbery happens I think, but you don’t see that and it’s never mentioned.

Christmas On Twitter

Santa visits the Wilson family, and puts on a magical song and dance show with his elves. Unfortunately, the family are busy checking Twitter on their phones, so they miss it all. Filmed entirely from the point of view of the dad, Michael Madsen Wilson, who calls someone a twat and gets three retweets.

Siri Saves Christmas

Santa accidentally dies or something, and only Siri, the lovable phone voice thing, can take his place, because everyone else is busy. Unfortunately, all she can do is say “Chinese takeaways in Dudley” over and over again until her battery goes.

A New House For Christmas

in this heartwarming thriller, the DIY SOS Team, headed by Martin Roberts and Santa, demolish the house of a deserving family and build them an even better house. Unfortunately Martin Roberts is drunk and forgets to put the house back together again. I’ve just remembered he doesn’t do that show, it’s the other one.

The Christmas Bra

From the makers of ‘The Christmas Box’, ‘The Christmas Shoes’, and ‘The Christmas Other Stuff That I Can’t Remember Just Now’. An enchanting tale of a woman trying to find a tits hammock in her size. At Christmas. And then she learns the meaning of Christmas, which is something to do with having big tits.