Hello. A while ago I wrote this, about various pink hallucinations I’d found online.
Writing that article forced me to investigate the world of shit flash games that exist solely to make 1p per click. I made that bit up but I bet it’s true.
I love these games. Where else do you get to perform foot surgery on Barbie, or make a baby with the face of Christopher Lee? Nowhere, that’s where. And these things are important.
That reminds me – I really need to find a Foster and Allen mug. Or some Foster and Allen cruets. Either way. I’m not fussy.
Our first fine fare is the interestingly titled ‘Inside Out Save Mermaid Princes’. First of all, I’m not entirely sure what a ‘mermaid prince’ is supposed to be. They might mean ‘princess’, or perhaps mermaids aren’t tied down by traditional gender roles.
These are the characters from Pixar’s Inside Out, if they’d been drawn by me on Saturday night after I’d been drinking sherry. I’m not sure why they’re all floating in mid air.
After looking at this screen for about 18 minutes:
I discovered that the game was written by Escher, and I don’t have a clue what to do. Apparently I’m supposed to control two characters. Listen game, I haven’t even got it together enough this morning to put some knickers on, so don’t expect me to do this.
Especially don’t ask me to decipher “to mantra can make alcohol all monsters burst into flames”.
Moving on. Tattoo Artist 2! I don’t know what happened to Tattoo Artist 1.
I chose to do a tattoo on “The Chef”. This is my design:
Apparently you lose if you go outside the lines or if you hurt the customer too much, but you don’t lose if you just write ‘fuck off’ on his back. I could so do this for a job.
The next game is called ‘Pregnant Rapunzel Spa’.
You have to paint Rapunzel’s face purple, and be ready to catch any babies she might shit out. I assume.
I assumed wrong. Turns out you have to paint her stomach purple. You are also encouraged to use a hairdryer on Rapunzel’s hair, while she is still in the bath. This is because Rapunzel is a lazy bitch and you win by murdering her, I think. Then you get to do her up like a clown while she stands there being pregnant.
I thought I’d won then, but you also have to dress Rapunzel. What, she can’t do anything for herself? You just know someone somewhere has used this picture for inappropriate means.
Fuck it, leave her to dress herself. That’ll learn her.
Next up – ‘Design A Baby’.
This is the entire game:
God bless you Davide O, or David EO.
As you can see, the default setting is Telly Savalas with lady eyes, but there’s a wide range of faces available.
I imagine if you actually gave birth to any of these babies, your fanny would go on fire in protest.
Now I want to check out ‘All For Girls Love Tester’.
You can test me all you want – I’m never going to be in love with someone who wears a flat cap ironically. Unless this guy works at the dog track.
Right. Enter girl’s name. I’m a girl! I’m not going to put the mister’s name in, just in case it tells me we don’t really love each other and we have to split up. So I’m going to put in the name Martin Roberts, who is the presenter of Homes Under The Hammer. I don’t think I love Martin Roberts. I don’t even watch Homes Under The Hammer, but I’ve heard of it. Maybe me and Martin are destined to set up a house-looking-at business together.
Me and Martin Roberts have a love score of 35. I have no idea if that’s good or bad. But we’re not done yet. We have to choose constellations, because that’s a thing.
Oh, they mean starsigns. This nonsense gives us a love score of 76, which must be better than 35. I’m pretty sure I don’t love Martin Roberts 76. This thing lies.
OH SHIT, WE FEEL LIKE EACH OTHER! I’d better let him know.