I have a headache and I’m in a bad mood. To cheer myself up I’ve spent time thinking about which biscuits I’d use as weapons against my enemies. Here are my top 10:
Sharp corners, especially if you leave the wrapper on.
Suggested recipient: that woman at work who has that ‘you don’t have to be mad to work here but it helps’ sign.
9. Wagon Wheel
Heavier and bulkier than a digestive or a rich tea. Use as a frisbee.
Suggested recipient: people who are slow at cashpoints.
8. McVities Victoria selection
Throw the whole box. Obviously get the biscuits back afterwards.
Suggested recipient: the inventor of risk assessments. Be sure to fill out a risk assessment first.
7. Blue Riband
Relatively light, but if you concentrate you can hit them in the face with the zig-zaggy ends of the wrapper.
Suggested recipient: the Go Pro woman.
6. Fig Rolls
A bit useless actually. To make up for their pillowy softness, throw an accompanying item, like a toaster.
Suggested recipient: people who push empty pushchairs round Tesco.
5. Cadbury Fingers
Sharpen the ends with a pencil sharpener first.
Suggested Recipient: people who reply to your joke on Twitter with a similar but slightly shitter version of the same joke.
4. Tunnocks Tea Cakes
Throw them hard enough and they will explode.
Suggested recipient: That woman in the pub who accused me of being CID then pulled my hair.
Throw stick end first. In fact, eat the biscuit then throw the stick. The stick isn’t very heavy on its own, so attach a live lion to one end.
Suggested recipient: Zoella or whatever her name is.
With any luck they’ll think it’s some kind of spaceship being piloted by flies.
Suggested recipient: people who play music through their shit phone speaker on public transport.
1. Cadbury biscuit tin
For inflicting mild concussion/getting someone to shut up. Again, make sure you get the biscuits back afterwards.
Suggested recipient: loud people. And people.