Advanced spiders and sweaty tits – catalogue review

These catalogues full of fancy things were sent to me by Emma Tanner, because she doesn’t appreciate nice stuff when she finds it. You can read her blog here, but it doesn’t contain anything useful like orders to throw a live lion at Zoella. Unless it does and I missed it. Have a look in case.

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These are full of wonderful things to spend your money on. In fact, I heartily recommend buying these items for the teenager in your life, just for a brief moment of hilarity when you see their face drop on Christmas Day. Although if your kid’s a hipster then I don’t know.

Read to the bottom without killing yourself for bonus content!

Wee Away

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No. really? Did you have to call this product ‘Wee Away’? What did you think was going to happen when adults with the minds of 8 year olds discovered this? Also, to a drunkard using the bathroom after a night out, this sounds like a straightforward command. You asked for it, people who buy Wee Away. I don’t think this is in any way affiliated with the arcade game Shoot Away.

And anyway, maybe I like the smell of wee.

Having said this, it does mean I’m getting on step closer to seeing my imaginary cleaning product ‘Shite Away’ becoming a reality.

Bra thing

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I have no clue what this is, or what it’s supposed to do. Is it a spare hanky?

Reading more, I think it’s supposed to prevent “sweating and chafing”. I thought men liked sweaty tits? I think this will also double as one of those posh napkins for if you ever set up a restaurant in your house, and you only have one customer, and you’ve forgotten to get any napkins, and your customer doesn’t mind the smell of sweaty tits.

Ten torches

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Who needs or wants ten torches? However, since each torch is apparently as bright as the sun, the logical thing would be to sellotape them all together to create a megatorch, then shine it in the face of your enemy.

Table with 101 uses

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Wrong. This is in fact a table with one use – to put things on. However, in the spirit of fair play I’ve tried to think what the other 100 uses could be. Let’s see –

  • Hitting someone (good table-to-face contact, or poke one of the legs up your opponent’s bum)
  • Sled on stilts, for mega dangerous snow stunts
  • World’s shittest tent

Other than that, I’ve got nothing.

Advanced spider spray

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For spraying advanced spiders. Like spiders with A-Levels, or spiders with 16 legs. If they’re that advanced, you’re probably not going to spray them, because they’ll start quoting EU laws at you.

‘The kitten in your cat’

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I had to read this several times before I understood it. I think they mean it like ‘your cat’s inner child’, but really. The kitten in your cat? Now all I can think about is a pregnant cat getting dragged around by its unborn baby cats as they chase that shit mouse thing. And even an unborn cat with no prior knowledge of mice wouldn’t be fooled by that thing for more than three minutes.

Shoeboots

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I don’t know why the word ‘shoeboots’ makes me laugh so much, but it does. Admittedly I was drinking rum when I first saw it. Other things you can buy from this catalogue include a cookeroven, underwear knickers, and a telephonephone.

Also – bullshit:

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Simple Sam phone

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Did you have to call this phone ‘Simple Sam’? I blame the ‘wee away’ people for this. Anyway, I suggest buying one for your teenager. You can just see the conversation they have with their mates –

“I’ve got an iPhone 78”
“I’ve got a Samsung Galaxy 9374b6749h”
“What phone have you got?”
“Shut up. I don’t have a phone.”

I think your teenager would rather pretend they broke their mobile trying to stick it up their arse than admit to owning a ‘Simple Sam’ mobile. Definitely get them one. Hours of fun.

Raging monkey

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It’s a monkey. You nick its banana and it goes mental at you. He “jumps around, rants, screams…” and the catalogue suggests buying it for a 103 year old –

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“Here you are great great grandma, this monkey plays Glenn Miller Band classics when you pull the banana”

“Ooh, thank you Lucy! Why a monkey would sing Glenn Miller tunes is beyond me, but it will be nice and relaxing.”

(GGG pulls banana)

(Lucy inherits GGG’s money)

bonus content

The happiest models in the world. They’re even happier than the Betterware lady.

happy model gallery

One thought on “Advanced spiders and sweaty tits – catalogue review

  1. I used to have one of those tables, it broke when I put my sewing machine on it, so I think it’s safe to say “put a sewing machine on it!” isn’t one of the 101 things.

    Like

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