In December, humans buy other humans shit they don’t need. This tradition is referred to as ‘Christmas’, and dates all the way back to 1970.
Sometimes I buy people presents if I’m not bored with them yet. This normally consists of socks, bubble bath, and etc. One time I wrapped up the Mister’s glasses, but he didn’t find that funny.
In the olden days, people would buy gifts from the Argos catalogue. They still do, but I’m fucked if I know how it works these days. I think you order online, then go to the shop three weeks later and wait for the man to give you the secret password.
Anyway, let’s see what tat people bought for each other in 1976.
1. After Eight cart
A little pull along cart for your After Eights. You probably want to stop reading after this one, it’s all downhill from here.
You might think they’re just using a box of After Eights for the photo. You know, to show you how big the cart is. No.
This cart SHALL NOT be used for carrying anything other than After Eights. Any attempts to carry Toffos, marzipan or other sundries will be met with a swift and efficient death.
2. Sewing stools
The height of ingenious design. Keep all your sewing shit underneath your arse! Then, as soon as you need something but have your hands full of pins, all you have to do is stand up, remove the lid, then rummage around in your dismantled chair. Also, it looks like they had some spare Girls World heads left over.
Perfect for Marge Simpson, or people with large egg-shaped heads, like this lady.
4. Stud box
‘The Lynx’ stud box, to be precise.
You may only buy this box for the man in your life if he is a stud, not if he is a gimp. You might also be able to buy it for him if he’s a lynx, I’m not sure. Or if he wears Lynx. But if he wore Lynx that would automatically make him a gimp, so I don’t know.
I don’t know why it’s inspired by those shit fake book video cases you used to get.
5. Disappointed boy
“You bastards, you said I was going to be posing with the guitar.”
NB: I think the recorder is for sale, not the boy.
6. Creepy dead horse thing
Let’s not forget the kids. Don’t buy them that boy’s recorder though, he needs that or the girls won’t like him for being ‘sensitive’.
This is a depressed horse that’s been glued onto a frame… thing. It belongs in Sid’s house with the other decapitated freaks. Buy your kid this if you want them to be in the Mafia.
7. Outdoor snooker set
Use any bit of grass as a table, and use, I don’t know, apples as balls.
8. Kojak shooting game
Complete with plastic gun thing. However, a hilarious jape might be to remove the designated Kojak gun and replace it with one of these…
These will liven up that Kojak game. Don’t tell anyone you’ve switched the guns.
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