Sometimes I wonder if I need to re-evaluate my life choices. Then I look at the wonderful objet d’art I’ve created, and I know I need to do no such thing.

Presenting – our Nativity scene!

For a big huge version, click here. 

Allow me to take you, the impressed reader, through this festive wonderland.

1. Mary, Joseph and Jesus

Mary has a tit hanging out, because I’m sure there’s something about a ‘breast’ in one of the Christmas carols. She is wearing a blue sock, but I couldn’t find a blue headscarf so I used pants instead. Santa is the baby Jesus, because he’s small and has a beard, just like the baby Jesus. Skeletor is Joseph, and is copping a holy and festive feel of Mary’s bum while Bros look on disapprovingly.

2. Cow

Ridden by Warrior from Gladiators. He hires the cow out at Christmas, for when people need a cow. The cow’s name is Bruce.

3. Hot tub

As you can see, Janet has respected the rule about only going in if you’re naked, but the spaceman and the guy who looks a bit like Bill Murray haven’t. Shame on them.

4. Gun turret

For shooting at King Herod.

5. Dartboard

This is for if they all get bored with being holy for a bit, and want to play some darts. Honestly, I should have written the Bible. It would have had a lot more darts in it.

6. The Angel Gabriel

Played by Ross Kemp. He appears to be protecting the dartboard more than anything.

7. Shepherds

Mr Krabs, Splinter, and a Clanger. Splinter already has a beard. Thinking about it, I should have made Splinter a Wise Man since he’s wise, but, you know. Beard. There are no sheep, because I forgot.

8. Wise Men

Sportacus, She-Ra and Shadow from Gladiators. Sportacus nicked a trolley from Tesco to cart the presents about in. The presents are a flat screen TV, a Nicolas Cage boxset, and a bag of myrrh, because everyone always gets you a bag of myrrh at Christmas. That was Sportacus’ stupid girly present idea. He was going to buy the baby Jesus an apple, but the others put their foot down and said “No, you’re not going to embarrass us again Sportacus, you weirdo. Jesus Christ.”

9. Gun turret 2

In case Herod tries to get in from the other side. Naughty Herod. The Angel Gabriel manages to look in all directions at once.