If, like me, you know some people who had sex a long time ago and it wasn’t your fault, then chances are you have people you are related to, who you need to buy presents for at this time of year.
This handy guide will help to take the stress out of picking up those last minute gifts/turkey/everything, leaving you more time to sob uncontrollably while drinking gin.
What you need:
One of those Rambo headband things
Will of iron
Drive to car park. If you have a tank, finding a space will be no problem. Those people shouldn’t have parked where you wanted to park, so it’s their own fault. If you have a car, abandon car in middle of dual carriageway and walk.
You will be greeted by the following sight –
This is where your cattle prod will come in useful. Those people don’t need to be there and are just being selfish. Rest assured that you are the only person in this crowd that genuinely needs presents. Everyone else did their Christmas shopping last January, and are only there trying to find rude looking vegetables to laugh at.
But if you’ve forgotten to buy a cattle prod, what do? Never fear, there are sill lots of ways to disperse the mob:
1. Do a fart. This may only clear a small area behind you, so you’ll need to keep up a constant stream of emissions while walking backwards in order to reach your destination. Maybe take the wing mirror off your abandoned car to help you see where you’re going.
2. Pretend to be one of those people selling Sky or broadband. Trust me, people will keep a minimum of 100ft away from you.
3. Consider wearing a police tent for the duration of your trip.
No one will come in your tent, unless they’re colour blind and think it’s a Santa’s Grotto, in which case you can cattle prod them.
4. Blowtorch your way through. The Rambo headband helps with getting you in the mood here.
5. Fake an injury:
Yell at the top of your voice that you “need supplies STAT”. I’m not sure what stat is, but that’s what they shout. I’m also not sure why you’d be at Tesco rather than the hospital, but people will probably be too traumatised by your injury to care about that.
Great, now you’re inside the supermarket! But oh shit, it’s closed! Which does make me wonder how you managed to get inside. Whatever, the last thing you need is to go to all that trouble just to be met with a ‘closed’ sign. In order to avoid this unwanted situation, see my handy guide to opening times –
Here are the Christmas opening times of the supermarkets near you!
Tesco will be open from 2.48-2.50 on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately they haven’t specified if that’s a.m. or p.m.
Asda is set to open 25 hours a day this week, beating their previous record. However, most stores will only have half a checkout open.
Presto will only be open in the past this Christmas.
Morrisons are operating a ‘first come first served’ policy, alongside their normal ‘shoot to kill’ policy.
Lidl will be open but no one cares.
Now you can start your shopping. Hopefully you will still have your tank. This will prove invaluable, especially in the ‘gift ideas aisle’, which is apparently a thing now.
NB – Loo roll only makes a suitable Christmas present if you are related to my sister. You are not.
Hopefully you’ve made a list, because you could do with having a list. If you haven’t written a list, go back and have made a list before this point. I’m not your mother.
If you really are stuck for ideas though, here are some snazzy gift ideas:
Condoms: for the person who has everything except the balls to buy condoms. Put a hole in one with a safety pin for a festive Christmas prank.
Cat accessories: ideal for the person who doesn’t have a cat. Tell them you’ll get them a cat later, then don’t.
Christmas crackers: for added fun, remove the hat, gift and joke from each one beforehand. When they pull them, exclaim that “they must have landed somewhere”. Then put your feet up and have a Lambrusco while you watch them scrabbling round on the floor looking for a shit plastic comb that doesn’t exist.
But Christmas isn’t just about gifts! You need to buy food and booze too! You might need to buy enough for everyone else to have some too. This is where the ‘food aisle’ of the supermarket comes in.
Turkey: If you still have your cattle prod, use it now to check the turkey is dead. If it wasn’t before, it will be now.
Sprouts: These are sold individually. Typically – 1 guest = 1 sprout.
Christmas pudding: No one really likes eating Christmas pudding, they just like making it go on fire. To this end, why not replace the pudding with something more flammable, like a can of hairspray?
Chocolate: for a fun festive after-dinner game, why not have a contest to see who can eat a whole Chocolate Orange in one go? Last one to go to A&E wins.
Now for the most difficult part of the expedition – queuing.
You have two options here. You can either employ various queue jumping methods, or make the time pass quicker by livening up the queue for everyone. Since the only really successful method of queue jumping is ‘kill everyone in front of you’, I would suggest the second option.
Here are some fun ways to while away the time in the queue –
Have a baby: this requires some advance planning. The forward thinkers reading this will have become pregnant around March. However, if you were that forward thinking you wouldn’t need a last minute shopping guide.
Stage an argument: Hours of fun can be had watching the meltdown of strangers’ relationships. Be sure to accuse each other of increasingly bizarre things. Start with flirting with a co-worker, and move up killing a nun via ‘the pantomime cow incident’. If you’re on your own, you have the option of having a screaming row into your mobile phone. Make sure it doesn’t start ringing halfway through, or you will look a mental twat.
Polite chicken: see how close you can stand to the person in front of you before they complain. Bonus points if you end up actually wearing their clothes and they still pretend not to notice.
‘Beep’: if you are close enough to see the checkout, say “BEEP” loudly each time an item is scanned. See how long it takes for people to start inching away from you.
Vouchers: Write your own vouchers to save yourself some money when you do eventually get to the till. See if any of them actually work. Try to do better than writing “1 free shoping” on your hand.
Now all that’s left is to get your items safely home. Again, your tank really will come in handy here. If you don’t have a tank, simply order a taxi. Insist the taxi picks you up from wherever you happen to be stood. This is usually the checkout. If people are too busy to get out of the way of an indoor taxi, they don’t deserve to have nice things.
Happy Christmas and all that.