7 diet plans that definitely work, honestly

Diets don’t work. Except for these diets. These diets work, and I’ll slap anyone who says they don’t, as long as they agree to meet me outside Kwik Save at 7 so I can slap them.

These are wonder diets, and involve no cutting calories whatsoever, and work as part of a calorie controlled diet. These miracle methods, when combined with cutting calories down to 800 a day, will work instantly in just four months.

The utter misery diet

utter misery diet

Do most diets make you feel like you’re missing out? Well now you can eat all the food you want*, and you could lose up to a billion stone in an hour! You could also lose bonus weight through all the tears you will cry out over the fact that it’s Friday night and you’re sitting at home starving again, while everyone else in the world is out having sex and cake.

Go on, punish yourself you fat bitch!

*you can’t eat any actual food, but you’ll be ok if you like eating wet plants and air.

Eat plenty of: salad and crap like that

Avoid: food, fun, your friends, sharp objects (just to be on the safe side)

The ‘become a drawing of a gentleman’ diet

gentleman diet

This diet is perfect for the busy man about town who doesn’t have time to count calories! Simply take one of our patented ‘Gentlemen’s weight loss and time travel’ pills, along with a calorie controlled diet, and you could see those pounds drop off in a matter of years. Also you’ll get a fancy hat, but you’ll be two-dimensional.

Eat plenty of: fruit, vegetables

Avoid: sunlight

The low carb diet

low carb

One for people who love fatty foods and don’t want to give them up! By eating only raw meat, you’ll shed that unsightly bulk in no time as long as you only eat 800 calories of raw meat a day.

Eat plenty of: raw meat

Avoid: sugar, bread, alcohol, fat, meat, and, I dunno, crisps.

The horse diet

horse diet

Horses are known for their lean bodies, but did you ever wonder what their secret is? Now we know – oats! Yes, horses stay naturally slim by eating oats, which have special leptin-peptide dissolving properties, when combined with a calorie controlled diet.

Eat plenty of: fruit, vegetables and one oat a week.

Avoid: sugar, fat, calories, alcohol. And cake. You don’t need to know what cake will do to your new horse self, but it isn’t pretty and involves estate agents’ windows.

The bum blaster diet

bum blaster

Ladies! Does your bum resemble 8 people’s bums squeezed into a Tesco carrier bag? Now you can get rid of that pesky bottom using only our patented ‘bum blaster’ tea along with a calorie controlled diet. Simply drink 38 cups of our special tea per day*, and you could lose up to 9 stone of explosive diarrhoea in a week! Please note that this diet will also get rid of your intestines, and whatever the bit that makes poo is called.

Eat plenty of: bum blaster tea, Immodium

Avoid: enclosed spaces

*SPECIAL OFFER! For this week only get 20 teabags for just £998.74 (usual price £998.75)

The ‘become boring and no one likes you’ diet

vegan diet

If, like many people, you’re on a diet in order to be able to act all smug and superior because you once read one article about how sugar is quite bad and suddenly you’re a vegan and won’t stop going on about it and now KFC is beneath you… where was I? Oh yes, this is the diet for you! Simply stop eating what all those plebs are eating, and instead start crapping on and on about how much you love whichever new superfood that woman on tv who looks like Skeletor told you to eat. Combined with a calorie controlled diet, you will lose unsightly pounds in no time! Although, to be fair, those pounds will be attached to other people, who will just start avoiding you.

Eat plenty of: vegan shit. I dunno. Grass?

Avoid: me

The ‘focolate’ diet

focolate diet

Yes, you heard me right! You get to eat all the chocolate* you want, simply by exchanging your normal brand of chocolate for our new patented Focolate! Eat Focolate to your hearts content as part of a calorie controlled diet, and watch those pounds melt away!

Eat plenty of: Focolate

Avoid: mirrors

*Focolate is fake chocolate made of kale, and tastes like shit.

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