Watching an episode of Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares

I’m quite late to the party with this one, but never let it be said that I have my finger on the pulse.

I never knew there was so much joy to be had in watching a squashed blonde man calling rice a bastard. But someone decided to make a whole show of this concept, and the result was Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares.

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Gordon Ramsay goes into people’s restaurants and tells them their restaurants are inedible. I think the people have invited him to their restaurants, otherwise it would be a bit weird. One time I saw a woman shouting in McDonalds that they were a load of shit, but the police arrived and took away her car keys. This doesn’t happen to Gordon Ramsay in the episodes I’ve seen so far.

Ramsay is in a restaurant owned by some builders. He decides to immediately test them by ordering made up food like ‘filet mignon’. These are not names of real food, real food is called burgers and stuff. He wouldn’t be able to pull this sass in McDonalds in West Bromwich, which is where the mad lady from earlier has the upper hand on him.

Gordon Ramsay doesn’t appear to like food very much. I think he might be on a diet. He keeps trying to eat food, but then he spits it out before calling everyone a fucker. I do this sometimes, but I think it’s rude to do it with other people’s cooking.


Ramsay doesn’t like these people’s food with made up names. Since they’re builders they probably serve things like plates of cement and hope no one will notice, so I can’t blame him for this just yet.

Ramsay then storms into the kitchen and beats the owner to death, although I might have nodded off for a couple of minutes at this point.

I know how Gordon Ramsay feels; I sometimes have nightmares about kitchens. One time, I dreamed that BBC Look North‘s Peter Levy was in my kitchen, and he was crying because I didn’t have any soup. So I waved a box of cereal at him and told him it was soup, and he bought it, the idiot.

In this bit of the episode, people have been waiting an hour for their dinner but they haven’t got anything yet. They normally would have got it by now, but Gordon Ramsay stole all the food and did a sick in it, so all the meals would be held up. This makes good tv. I mean yeah, it might mean the restaurant owners go bankrupt, but the producers have paid good money for this dramatic stock music.


Ramsay misses a couple of tricks though. For example, he could replace all the meals with joke food, or those rubber steaks you buy for dogs. Or he could spell out ‘FUCK YOU’ on a plate using tomato ketchup, and just serve that. There’s no need to do a sick in the food.

To make things worse, one of the customers has complained that the lemon sauce ‘tastes of lemon’, and this is unforgivable.

Anyway, this is nothing. I used to work as a waitress in a cafe, and one day a family came in with a toddler. The toddler did a shit on the floor, and then the family left without telling us. This was horrible, but I still didn’t resort to calling the food a cunt.

Also – they’ve just interviewed a ‘member of the public’ about what he looks for in a restaurant. He uses the word ‘flavourful’, which suggests he is an actor reading from a script. Have you ever, EVER used the word ‘flavourful’, in any context? I mean, I know I just have, but I was making a point.


I don’t know if Ramsay just said ‘cook your arse off’ or ‘cut your arse off’. I’ve missed a bit; I was reading something and then I got a really bad itch in a place. I think what’s happened now is that the restaurant has loads of food ready to serve, but sadly they’ve forgotten to cook the food and it’s cold. I don’t think it’s something that’s meant to be cold, like salad. Ramsay wouldn’t be punching them in the face like that if there wasn’t a problem.

Ramsay’s master plan is to change the name of the restaurant from PJ’s Steakhouse to PJ’s Grill. This is stupid. People are going to know that PJ is still doing the cooking. If he ever was doing the cooking. I should have listened. Anyway, if I had a restaurant and needed to change the name, I’d call it something like ‘Lyle and Son steel fittings and parts’. That would really fool people. Also, I’d stop doing food and I’d only do steel parts. Then no one would ever guess it was the same restaurant. Ramsay is stupid. I don’t care if he does keep trying to get the food outside for a fight.


These people should keep the food as it is, but hide gin and tranquillisers in it, so people won’t care what the food’s like, and then at the end everyone can have a nice sing-song and maybe some community-spirited sex.

The episode ends with the food being a bit nicer, but the builder couple just sell the place anyway, so he needn’t have fucking bothered. Why can’t these people just have scampi? You know where you are with scampi.

This whole episode has essentially been a man looking sad in a restaurant.


If I was Gordon Ramsay, I’d have the following written into each episode’s contract: If I get you some customers and make your food not terrible, then I get to legally rename your restaurant ‘Look, Just Fuck Off’, and also you only get to advertise in the Classified section of Red Hot 40+.

Also, if Gordon Ramsay would like to use the insult ‘pube wheelbarrow’, he can do so for no extra charge.


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