Health and safety with Sooty

The other day I felt unsafe. This was because I’d eaten 24 jaffa cakes in a row and then I couldn’t stop farting. I’d challenge anyone to feel on top of their game after an experience like that.

It taught me how important it was to not take your life into your own hands, so once my bum had returned to normal I decided to be proactive. I watched an informative safety video, hosted by that bastion of public responsibility, Sooty.

s1

Learn With Sooty: Be Safe is all about how to not die if you are a hand puppet and are not alive anyway.

Fun fact: I misspelled this as ‘Lear With Sooty’, which would have been an interesting introduction to Shakespeare for the under-5s.

Will not make a hand up arse joke. Will not make a hand up arse joke. Will not make a hand up arse joke.

We follow Matthew and the gang around during a typical day. A typical day in their house includes a surprising number of life threatening accidents and stunts. Obviously, since Sooty is sort of magic and invincible, and Soo is a nagging, sensible cow, the task of getting injured falls mostly to Sweep, because Sweep is the best one. I can’t imagine how much more popular this video would have been had it just been clips of Soo getting horribly maimed. Shut up Soo, no one likes you and you smell.

Here’s the first piece of evidence to back up my ‘Soo is a turd’ theory: she reads health and safety reports. For fun. Oh yeah, and she tuts.

Listen lady, I run into things all the time, and I am fine. On Friday I accidentally punched myself in the face.

Before this scene can make me attempt to eat my own face, Sweep arrives and saves us all. Sweep’s planned activities for the day include ‘rushing from side to side’ and ‘running round and round’. I fail to see a problem with this. Or would Soo rather we all spent the day reading that seminal work ‘Highlights from the HSE Annual Report and the HSE Accounts from 2000/2001’? Unfortunately, Sweep gets injured while being awesome. This is because Soo was nagging him and therefore distracting him. What a bitchbag. He also gets injured while trying to climb up the bookshelf. What? It would have been a lot quicker that using the stairs. Sweep is just super efficient. Also, Soo did say that stairs can be dangerous.

s3 sweep injuries

So far I can find no reason not to behave exactly like Sweep, particularly when you consider the alternative.

Incidentally, this is Sweep when Soo catches up with him and tries to quote statistics from her report at him:

sweep hiding

Soo orders Sweep to go play with Sooty instead of running around. Sweep, in order to get away from Soo, complies with her demands.

Sooty isn’t much better. Here he is shunning Sweep, because Sweep very sensibly suggests pliers for… I can’t remember what, but it was a job that needed pliers.

pliers

Oh yeah, that was it. Sooty’s Lego was stuck together and wouldn’t come apart. Sweep suggests several tools that would have easily separated the bricks, but Sooty says no to all of them because he is a coward. In the end, the only thing Sooty will allow himself to separate the bricks with is a bone. A fucking bone. What’s he going to do, hit the bricks until they agree to do what he wants?

bone2

Naturally this doesn’t work, and Sooty ends up just pushing the whole lot off the ledge. From a great height. That is safe. Hopefully it all fell on Soo’s head. Then they’d wish they’d used the pliers.

Enough of that anyway. Let’s go visit Matthew, who is sat in a room with a hazard. Apart from Matthew’s exasperated and slightly psychotic expression, can you spot the hazard?

matthew

That’s right boys and girls – there’s a phone on his desk. Someone might ring him, and no one wants that.

In the ensuing lecture about the teapot and its hot contents, Matthew says the following:

“Mugs are dangerous. Cups are dangerous, if they contain hot drinks.” He said this while picking up and showing us an empty mug. Are we to take from this, then, that mugs are dangerous no matter what? Even if they’re empty? Cups, meanwhile, are only dangerous if they have hot drinks in them. Matthew is such a cup racist.

Christ, Soo just can’t help herself. She has followed Sooty to Matthew’s room just so she can reel off more statistics. I’m skipping this bit.

Will not make a hand up arse joke. Will not make a hand up arse joke. Will not make a hand up arse joke.

Next we have a bizarre scene where Soo tricks Sooty into thinking you can boil an egg by putting it in a tepid bath for ten seconds.

egg2

Obviously it’s a pre-boiled egg, but Sooty is fooled. Soo does this to prove… something or other. That she’s a bitch? Meanwhile, the children at home have learned a grand total of fuck all, apart from that Soo is demented, and a liar.

Next comes my favourite part. Sweep rocks up and wants to take some random unknown pills for a laugh. Why he wants to do this in the bathroom is never explained. Whatever; it’s a nice Sooty/Withnail & I crossover.

pills

I know mate. Soo’s driven you to it hasn’t she?

Soo then berates Matthew for not putting “child resistant lids” on his bottles. As if Matthew manufactures and bottles his own pills instead of getting them from the chemist.

Seriously Soo. One day I’m going to do a huge drawing of you getting run over by a tank, and then I shall post it to you. At your fictional house in the past.

There is some more stuff after Lidgate, but it’s just more shit about not cutting bread or breathing air or doing anything at all. And quite frankly, this video is making me scared of my own shadow. I quite need a wee but Soo’s convinced me I might actually fall in the toilet, even with my vast arse. I could do a wee on the floor but we’re laminated and I might slip in the wee and skid towards the window, where I will fall out onto the main road less than half a mile away.

I’m going to stop watching this now, but to sum up, here is what I learned by watching ‘Learn With Sooty: Be Safe’:

1: Soo reads reports while tutting, for fun

2: Running round and round and round and round is an acceptable pastime

3: You can hard boil an egg in ten seconds in a warm bath

4: Fuck Soo

5: Terrorists are more scared of you than you are of them

4 thoughts on “Health and safety with Sooty

  1. You know, even if we disregard all the apparent hazards within the Sooty residence, the domestic arrangements were still pretty peculiar. I mean, you’ve got these puppets, all of whom are five years old or thereabouts, and all of whom live with this grown adult human. Why aren’t these puppets living with their own families?

    We know Sooty has at least one aunt and one cousin, Sweep has something like a hundred relations, and Soo has nobody (except for Cousin Soola, but we do not speak of her). But apart from them, there’s no mention of parents, or any other relatives. And we can’t use the obvious excuse that they’re dead, since we’ve seen Sweep’s parents alive and well a number of times, and yet he doesn’t live with them.

    However, with the help of a friend, I’ve recently decided that this arrangement makes more sense if you imagine the puppets are actually university students, and Matthew is actually their landlord. Think of it as being like ‘The Young Ones’, with Sooty as Rick, Sweep as Vyvyan, Soo as Neil, Little Cousin Scampi as Mike, and Matthew as Jerzy Balowski. (Now that’s a crossover I’d love to see!)

    Hence why these puppets don’t live with their actual parents; hence why we only get fleeting mentions of them attending school; and, most importantly, hence why Soo sounds suspiciously more like a nagging adult woman than a little girl.

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