I’ve been watching TV for a long time. Recently, though, I’ve decided to also switch the TV on. This has led to me having to look at all sorts of hideous people trying to make me give them my money.
I’ve written about stupid adverts before. Have a look if you want. I’ll be honest, it’s more of the same, as I only have about three jokes.
That bloody awful song. Just think about this. Somewhere, a couple is having sex to that song. This is how that would go:
Him: “Now are you sure I can’t get you anything, like a cup of tea or a towel?”
Her: “No. Let’s just do some sex.”
Him. “Would you mind awfully if I put my hand on your breast? I don’t want to be too forward or anything. I don’t want to invade your personal space…”
Her. “I should have gone out with your brother instead.”
Him: “Your hair is so fragrant. Don’t worry, I’m a feminist.”
Also, I still call Santander Abbey National. It’s hard being right all the time.
This is one of those stupid fictional nights out where women are ‘having fun’ by going to a club (the club in this advert is called ‘club’) and waving their hands in the air for three hours straight. That’s not fun. Men always seem to have more fun on a night out, what with pissing up the wall competitions and looting.
And anyway, these women shouldn’t be out, they’re bleeding out of their fannies. Burn them at the stake! But wait, what’s this? They’re not leaving a trail of blood wherever they go? It’s almost like something’s been invented that lets women venture out of the house during their periods.
Apparently you can now go on that shit night out without perioding on the floor of Burger King. Not that these women would go to Burger King. I’ll be honest, if it’s a choice between going out with these women and having ‘woman fun’, and sitting in my flat on my own, bleeding, I’ll choose the latter every time.
It’s a terrible idea to teach kids that they’re important. They’ll grow up to believe it.
“What really matters – ME!” Fucking brilliant. We’ve got a well rounded generation of adults to look forward to. Apparently these kids are from the Sylvia Young Theatre School.
You’re better off insuring your toaster; at least that makes toast.
Women who rock
I Googled ‘women who rock’, even though it made me feel a bit dirty to do so. All the results were suitably boring, so I Googled ‘cow sex’ instead.
Those women rock.
The point is that this is one of the most hideously patronising adverts I’ve ever seen. What, that little girl needs to be told she’s a worthwhile human being by Paloma sodding Faith? And anyway, why is that girl so amazed to learn there are female singers?
I hate this idea that women need reminding they’re not insentient sacks of organs. What, do women see this advert and think ‘Oh yeah, I’d forgotten women can do stuff. I’m so glad this company reminded me. I was just going to sit here and photosynthesise for the rest of my life. Now I can go outside and ride horses, and rock.’
This whole thing screams ‘YOU GO GIRL!’, a phrase that makes me want to steal a penis and staple it onto myself just so they can’t say that to me.
Nescafe Gold Blend
This woman only remembers she’s got a bloody son when she’s off her tits on caffeine like Jessie from Saved By The Bell. Also, leave him alone, he probably doesn’t want to play ‘Mega guts Jurrassic Park and the T-rex has a bomb’ with his mother.
I’m bored now.