Recently, the mister and I had the pleasure of watching Elizabeth Berkley’s seminal post-Saved By The Bell work, Showgirls. We went in expecting great things. It didn’t let us down.
Showgirls is about some girls who want to put on a show. However, they are hindered by the evil Mayor, and also by the spooky ghost that keeps chasing them around. Also, they solve crimes.
But thanks to a last minute bake sale, they are able to put on their show, and the ghost dies so it stops bothering them. And the evil Mayor learns the meaning of Christmas.
In the alternative version we watched, a lot of these important plot points were cut out, so the film became less about a bake sale and more about Elizabeth Berkley being a stripper.
Since Showgirls is a classy film, I would suggest the following drinks to accompany your viewing:
Have a drink when any of the following occur:
– You find yourself cowering in a corner, due to Elizabeth Berkley’s lap dancing being “too violent and spider-like”
– Berkley’s facial expression is clearly a belated reaction to one of the times Slater called her “Momma”
– Berkley has inexplicably red nipples, due to the cold or felt tips, I’m not sure
– They do this dance move:
– She licks that pole, and all you can think about is what if the pole was really cold and her tongue was stuck to it
– You find yourself wanting to buy a really sturdy bra, from JML or similar, and post it to Elizabeth Berkley
– Elizabeth Berkley reacts to someone saying “hello” or “Excuse me” by pulling a knife on them, or roundhouse kicking them in the head
– The whole movie would be improved by the addition of a laugh track
– You try to copy the dance moves, but it ends up like that time you accidentally put two legs into one tight
– You realise you’ve been doing sex wrong your entire life
– You find yourself rewinding the movie to hear the excellent dialogue again:
“Man, everybody got AIDS and shit!”
“I got my period.”
“I’m erect. Why aren’t you erect?”
“You got something wrong with your nipples?”
Congratulations if you’ve made it to the end of the film without being dead. This means you are hard, and need more drinking material. Might I suggest the following:
Yes, there was a sequel, directed, written by and starring Rena Riffel, otherwise known as Penny/Hope from the original Showgirls. Thankfully it’s meant to be a spoof, although that doesn’t excuse the fact that the whole thing was filmed on someone’s phone and has a production budget of 8p.
Warning: this is advanced level drinking. If you make it to Showgirls 2, and are determined to complete the movie in a drinking game format, only the following drinks are acceptable:
Chanel No. 5
That stuff in a Glade Plug-in