I’m trying to imagine the kind of person who still watches Television X and those other not-real-porn channels. All I can come up with is someone who has loads of money for food, but who prefers to eat out of bins.

However, these channels do have their merits. In the middle of the night, when there’s nothing else on, we find ourselves jabbing aimlessly at the Sky buttons until we end up in the ‘Tits and misc’ section. These are divided into two categories:

Babestation and 37 identical channels. In the programmes we’ve seen, there are ladies that wear not many clothes and work in a call centre. They might sell Scottish Power, but I don’t think they do.

babestation main

Porn channels. The ladies without phones, unless it’s very specialist porn. These channels are where ladies have their flaps out and do dry humping with men. They are definitely having real sex, because that’s what they tell us.

Recently we’ve noticed a trend while browsing the Sky guide late at night. More and more of the shows on these channels are spoofs of popular TV shows. In a massive bumfucking of all sanity and logic, everything from Deal Or No Deal to Benefits Street has become fair game. This manages to be both horrible and hilarious at once.

Obviously we’re not mental enough to pay real money to find out what these shows are like, so we did our best to demonstrate what we think they’re like using Barbies and our imagination.

Please remember that these titles are real and not a product of our flea-bitten minds, so this isn’t our fault.

“The Great British Bonk Off”

bake off.jpg

What we think happens: An ambitious, big titted baker (played by Paul Hollywood or Michael Madsen) arrives in the tent, and will do whatever it takes to make sure her cream horns come out on top. There’s a scene involving a spatula, and a musical interlude by Destiny’s Child.

“The XXX Factor”

x factor

What we think happens: A talented starlet (Michael Madsen again) with a big pair of lungs (tits) is determined to impress Simon Cowell. Will she manage to press his buzzer in time? Unless the buzzer going off is a bad thing on the show, I can’t remember.

“Friends With Benefits Street”

benefits street

What we think happens: There’s a fire at the Rovers so everyone has to be naked, I forget why. This leads to sexy shenanigans between Tyrone and White Dee (played by Pauline Quirke and the guy who plays Tyrone, respectively). Then they all have a spliff.



What we think happens: Three busty members of the pubic (played by Ant and Dec doing one and a half roles each) get together on a sofa for a night of sexy TV watching, sexy Dorito eating and sexy absent-minded bum scratching. Occasionally one of them will say “oh piss off” at an advert, and then the other two will do a sex at him. And there’s a turkey somewhere?

“Embarrassingly Rude Bodies”

emb bodies

What we think happens: Doctor Melonballs (played by that one off the Go Pro advert) is holding an afternoon surgery. Her first patient is Mr Pissflaps (Jason Statham), who is embarrassed about his erection and the fact that he’s so good at sex. Also, Doctor Melonballs has forgotten to put any clothes on. She’s embarrassed about this.

“Feel Or No Deal”


What we think happens: A sexy gameshow host (played by Kay Burley) invites a bunch of sexy and big titted young men to open all her boxes. Then she beats all the men to death for coming up with such a fucking terrible pun.

“Flash In The Attic”

in the attic

What we think happens: Angela Rippon isn’t in this, because she is a lady and too nice to do sex. Instead she releases spores. Jonty’s in it though, as a high-rolling antiques expert who must decide if a lady’s Clarice Cliff will interest his punters.

“Down On Abby”

dt abbey

What we think happens: That posh one (not Professor McGonagall) shows her bum to the butler. Then the Vicar walks in and catches them, leading to red faces over the next cucumber sandwich buffet. Then, because it’s in the past, a guy turns up on a horse and cart and surprises a lady in the coal hole.

If you liked my book, do me a solid and tell other people about it. If you haven’t read it, it’s here and has lots of swears in it.


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