I went to my first Slimming World meeting last night. Obviously I am now an expert at losing weight, and I expect to have lost a billion stone by next week’s weigh in.
If I reach my goal, I intend to give myself a reward. However, since you apparently can’t have gin and a wheelbarrow full of Freddos as a reward, I’m stuck for ideas. This has led to me looking for inspiration from psychopaths on the internet.
Clearly I need to buy a dictionary and look up the meaning of ‘reward’ again. Apparently it means either ‘punishment’, or ‘basic human habits’. Observe:
“Have a bubble bath”
Listen you bumfuck, having a bath is not a reward, it’s basic personal hygiene. See also: have a poo, brush your teeth, wear a pair of knickers that you don’t have to hit with a hammer first.
“Give yourself permission to take a nap”
Wow, I get to sleep? Thank Christ for that; I was getting a bit tired, what with having to stay awake for two solid months while I lost a stone. For bonus points, treat yourself to this ‘reward’ while in the middle of Tesco, taking part in a live radio phone-in, or operating heavy machinery.
“Try a fun exercise class”
There is no such thing you lying liar. The only reason to do exercise is in order to be able to stop exercising. Or if you’re being chased by a lion. You are not being chased by a lion. You’re even more of a liar now. See also: “session with a personal trainer”, “gym membership”, “new leotard”, “anything that reminds you of the hell you are currently putting yourself through”
“Invest in some moisture-wicking workout socks”
I don’t want to know too much about this one. I have never, ever bought socks for a treat. Not even socks that do things. Especially not socks that do things. Also, please note: you see how this reward contains the word ‘workout’? First clue. You do not celebrate not being on fire any more by immediately going for a fag next to the pumps at Texaco.
“Buy yourself a new tool”
Seriously. A new tool.
Aren’t tools those things you buy only when you really need them and can’t put it off any longer, and at no other point in your life? That’s like saying “Go on, buy some loo roll, you’ve earned it! But make sure it’s yummy, low calorie loo roll, obvs!”
“Watch a movie or TV show”
Remember – the rest of the time you must sit there staring at the wall/a blank screen/the void that your life has become.
“Spend time alone and sip coffee or tea”
Great. We’re not even allowed to drink tea and coffee properly now. How is drinking it in a worse way somehow better? Plus, how is coffee a reward when I already inject coffee into my eyeballs upon waking?
“Make your own trophy”
No need, I already did that just for getting out of bed this morning.
Written by someone who has never had anything waxed, not even their car. I tell you what, if you hit your targets at work this afternoon, I’ll come round and pull out all your nose hairs, ok? No need to thank me, I want to treat you.
Here are my fun suggestions for weight loss rewards. Why not pick one for when you lose a pound? Or when you gain three stone? Or never? I don’t really give a shit.
- Go out and get laid off a stranger
- Post passive aggressive things on Facebook all day. Tell everyone who replies to fuck off and mind their own business.
- Kick someone up the arse if they’re being slow at the cashpoint
- Get off your tits on heroin
- Kill that person who’s been annoying you
- Canteen of cutlery