Hello. Everyone who reads this blog is automatically bad at sex. Therefore, I thought I’d give you some tips. If you’d like to sex a lady, they generally like music and crap like that. Apparently, ladies also like rose petals and candles and strawberries, even though those things are boring.

Getting back to the music part. Your lady might start to feel tired/afraid if you keep serenading her with, I dunno, Scatman John or whatever. Songs anyway. So here are some alternatives to ensure you can definitely do some bumming make love to the woman of your dreams.

NB: Some of these only work if you’re the kind of person who has duct tape instead of curtains.

38. Channel 4 ident

37. A man learning the piccolo

36. The Vanarama jingle

35. Michael Bolton trying to get a bargain at a car boot sale

34. Yoko Ono saying “Number 8” in The Simpsons

33. Windows 95 shutting down

32. A Greggs sausage roll being stood on by a feminist

31. A lift getting stuck on the ground floor in Redditch

30. A rat trying to get something off its leg

29. Someone asking where Bryan Ferry is these days

28. Two women on Create And Craft comparing cushions

27. Shayne Ward threatening to “bang you out” if you come from Leeds

26. Silver papers being tossed aside by contestants on The Crystal Maze

25. Someone’s dad going “Oh not him again!” when an advert comes on TV

24. Fairy Liquid bottle being burned alive

23. That lost recording from the time the Lib Dems tried to form a kazoo band with their remaining MPs

22. A fish being tossed into a microwave

21. A man offering you a Bannatyne’s Gym membership

20. This song:

19. An old lady squeezing bread because she doesn’t believe the sell by date

18. Cheetara from Thundercats deciding to start an advertising agency

17. Metronome set to the beat of 17/10

16. Carollers demanding money or they’ll start swearing in their carols

15. A squid becoming obsessive

14. Ovaries jangling

13. The Sky News theme tune done on maracas

12. Pierce Brosnan selling a time share to a worm

11. Cement mixers coming to life and doing a jaunty dance routine

10. Darth Vader opening a packet of Hobnobs

9. Bus arrives 57 minutes late

8. Alton Towers ‘free massive tits’ day

7. Someone trying to get rid of a carrier bag quietly

6. North Korea tries to nuke Skegness but misses

5. A guy tutting because someone doesn’t agree with them on the internet

4. That song that goes “do do do dooo do do do do do do HEY!” that might be 2 Unlimited or someone else

3. Bingo session at the Playboy Mansion where they get offended about ‘two fat ladies’

2. A pair of cream crackers falling out of their packet in Lidl

1. Sean Bean getting his hair cut but refusing a cup of tea