This episode is surprisingly prescient. It’s all about Geoffrey building a wall, and this was decades before walls were a thing. In a further nod to the future, Geoffrey is building this wall because some people have moved in next door, and Geoffrey thinks they might be Mexican.
He’s absolutely not having it.
“Look Zippy,” he says. “Mexicans have all that spicy food, and I am not letting Bungle get near spicy food again. You know what happened last time.”
Meanwhile, real-life Geoffrey is building a wall because… I’m not sure why he’s building a wall. All he gives by way of explanation is that “this is Dawn’s bit of garden, and this is our bit of garden, and I want Dawn to stop fucking coming into our garden uninvited. I think Dawn might be Mexican.”
I’m not sure why he wants to make it harder for Dawn to visit. Isn’t Dawn supposed to be their friend? Maybe Dawn keeps annoying Geoffrey by putting one foot in and out of their garden, and going “ner ner ner”. Geoffrey should just chop Dawn’s leg off instead of going to all this trouble.
Geoffrey also mumbles something about “being able to tell which garden is which.” Zippy points out that they can tell that anyway, because their garden is littered with footballs and dogshit, while Dawn’s garden appears to be covered in green carpet.
Speak of the devil:
Dawn: “Geoffrey, what are you doing?”
Geoffrey: “Oh shit! I, er, I was ordered to put this wall here. By Zippy.”
Zippy: “That’s a fucking lie! Tell her the truth, it’s because she’s Mexican!”
Dawn: “I’m not Mexican, I hate curry.”
Geoffrey: “Whatever. I’m building this wall. I’m a man and I’m building this wall.”
In the spirit of international co-operation, Dawn ignored this and offers to make everyone a drink. She may be Mexican, but she’s still the woman one.
Zippy asks Dawn how she’s going to cope with not being able to lie on the ground and roll straight into next door’s garden. Her reply – “I’ll just have to use the gate at the bottom of the garden.” Geoffrey – your wall is ALL FOR NOTHING.
Look at her scheming face. Don’t trust her.
I’m still not exactly sure why Geoffrey’s building this wall. And where’s Bungle? I don’t pay my licence fee just to watch ITV from the past and Bungle is missing.
Oh good, here is is, the hairy fool. He’s building a wall and getting it wrong, which is to be expected. Zippy notices Bungle is on a fool’s errand and decides to take action:
After he stops crying, Bungle decides to build a bridge. He does ok at first, but let’s not forget this is Bungle we’re talking about. In a moment of utter fucking stupidity, Bungle is flummoxed because his ruler isn’t long enough to reach both piles of blocks. Both piles of blocks which are A) completely movable, and B) placed an arbitrary distance apart by Bungle.
Bungle I’m so fucking mad at you, you tool. Obviously you just have to get a longer ruler.
After about ten minutes, Bungle finally figures out that he should move the piles closer to each other. To congratulate Bungle for his mental prowess, Zippy fake-sneezes and knocks the bridge over. This is why Zippy is the best.
While all this has being going on, Geoffrey has finished the wall! Look at its mighty size. That’ll keep Dawn out.
But oh shit, what’s this? God is angry with Geoffrey for not liking Mexicans, so he makes it rain. As we all know, rain has the power to knock walls down. This might be true for all I know. Do I look like I’ve ever built a wall? God also turns the lights off.
Poor Geoffrey. I don’t think he’ll ever be able to keep Dawn out, given his previous attempts.
Ways Geoffrey has tried to keep Dawn out before:
1) Sent her a note saying “Dear Dawn, please don’t bother coming round any more as we all died last week. Love Geoffrey.”
This didn’t work, because Dawn just came straight round to see if they’d left anything valuable.
2) Moved Bungle in with them as a deterrent.
3) Tricked her into thinking the local paper were holding a ‘How long can you stay in a cupboard in your house’ competition. Told her the prize was a holiday to Whitstable.
4) Laid a trail of sweets from her door to his, and then, as she was eating the last sweet, kicked her up the arse and threatened to have her arrested for nicking sweets.
To raise Geoffrey’s spirits, the others decide they’re going to act out The Three Little Pigs. Unfortunately Dawn gets wind of their plans, thanks to the glass she’s been holding up against the wall. Ten seconds later she’s in their living room. Bungle makes her stand in the corner while he craps on about the first little pig. Where did he get that straw from? I’d like to think he got it from Geoffrey’s wicker man, which was going to be plan B for if the wall didn’t work.
Geoffrey looks at Bungle as if to say ‘Did you mean to do everything you’ve ever done?’
Onto George’s house. Seriously, that’s his house? I can’t think that’s adhered to even the most basic building codes. You’re right to be worried about security George. Although to be fair, I’d be more worried about the fact that there’s a huge bear somehow managing to be inside and outside your house at the same time. Geoffrey’s remembering that time he managed to convince Bungle that really clever people can eat their own faces.
Finally we get to Zippy’s house. In a throwback to the earlier plot, Zippy’s house consists of a shoddy wall. I don’t know if it’s a racist wall or not. I don’t think it is, because it keeps Geoffrey out even though he’s not Mexican like Dawn.
Geoffrey doesn’t eat the pigs, and then he dies or something. Fin.
Dawn’s still in the corner, biding her time. The others have forgotten she’s there. Any minute now, Dawn will strike, using that most diabolical of weapons – the Bossa Nova button.
If only Geoffrey had built a wall to keep her out. But wait, he did! But since Dawn is in their living room, the wall must have been knocked over by the rain. Either that or she’s found some way of miraculously scaling that two foot high wall.
So did the wall survive? I’m going to put my money on yes, mainly because I’ve seen this episode before.
Warning – that last bit contained spoilers.
I still never really figured out why Geoffrey wanted to build that wall. He needn’t have bothered, because Dawn decides to go home anyway. If anything, Geoffrey’s just made it harder for her to leave.
I think the moral of this story is that walls don’t keep women out.