It’s been a while since I dropped in on the Lazy Town gang. Let’s see what those boring bumfucks are up to. If you’re going for ‘eating apples and doing PE’, you’re probably right.
This episode is called ‘School Scam’. I don’t know what happens in it and I don’t care. I’ll make the following predictions:
1: Sportacus backflips somewhere instead of walking, causing him to be 53% slower than he otherwise would have been
2: Stephanie nags someone
3: I side with Robbie Rotten
4: I stop watching after 10 minutes and go eat food instead
Look at him. Look how fucking happy he is to be awake. I hate him.
Only 23 minutes and 31 seconds to go. Also, #1 has happened already, and we’re not even a minute in.
Something I keep noticing about Sportacus is his lack of basic personal hygeine. He wakes up in the morning, fully dressed from the day before, then leaves his stupid floating house without even bothering to sniff his armpits.
Let’s get onto the proper story. I’m not sure what the proper story is, but I bet it’s something to do with school. This picture doesn’t help me figure out the plot.
Right. Stephanie is doing her homework three minutes before school starts, which is admirable. Uncle Mayor Keith Vaz is dicking about in the kitchen, prompting Stephanie to start nagging him (#2 PREDICTION KLAXON).
“You should already be at school. You’re the principal! You should be opening the doors and ringing the bell!”
1: I’ve never been to a school where those things are the principal’s job. Does Uncle Mayor Keith Vaz also mop out the loos and cover up yesterday’s sick with sawdust?
2: Uncle Mayor is the Mayor. Why is he also the school principal? I’m not surprised nothing gets done. I blame the cuts. No wonder there were dead bodies piling up in the streets in that other episode I watched in my head.
3: If you love school that much Stephanie why don’t you marry it.
Whatever. The school bell finally gets rung, which wakes up our hero Robbie Rotten. To be fair, he only heard it because he has that weird intercom thing which amplifies all external noise.
Next, Ziggy falls into a cart because he’s a moron. The cart, disregarding the laws of physics, immediately starts going 100mph. This sets off Sportacus’ ‘Someone’s an idiot and I must poke my nose in’ alarm.
Oh my god. Instead of saving Ziggy with aerobics, Sportacus gets a pen and paper and starts calculating the best angle to throw a yo-yo for Ziggy to hang onto on the off chance that A) Ziggy will catch it and B) the string won’t just snap. Because everyone on this show is insane, this somehow works and is a great plan.
I suspect this was the show’s way of setting us up for the ‘school is rad, you should go there and learn shit’ message.
I’ve got some calculations for you Sportacus: X + Y/Z = you’re a fucking show off and a knob.
Just when I thought we’d get a break from Sportacus’ fuckery, he then confiscates Ziggy’s lunch and orders him to have an apple instead. “You need sports candy to learn”. Yes, you need it to learn that chocolate is better.
Let’s move on before I start crying. Robbie spouts the only bit of sense so far: “I must stop those kids learning new things, otherwise they’ll end up like Sportanerd!” Can you imagine a whole generation of people telling you to stop eating sugar and insisting that exercise doesn’t kill you and that everyone’s views are valid and we shouldn’t call anyone a dick? Fuck that.
Robbie’s plan is to become a teacher and teach the kids fuck all. This makes me laugh for about ten solid minutes. I see he’s playing the long game here. Good luck training to be a teacher, then teaching those exact kids no matter what year they’re in until they leave school, all in the space of a 20 minute epsiode.
Oh it’s ok he gets to skip all that, because he’s got a teacher disguise.
The next five minutes are wasted with a song called ‘I like learning’ or some such bullshit. You liars. You don’t care about learning, you just want to suck up to Sportacus so he’ll show you his bum.
I bet Sportacus is the teacher. Or I bet he’s not, whichever is right.
I was right, I win a quid. Robbie really is playing the long game here, what with the class still learning the fucking alphabet. On the plus side, he won’t have to make them unlearn much.
Robbie makes them go to sleep on their books. This is possibly unwise, because I heard once that knowledge can leak into your head while you’re asleep, which is why you should never go to sleep on a book that’s wrong. Also, where is their usual teacher? I assume Robbie has killed him.
This ruse doesn’t last long, because Stephanie already has a PhD in nagging people to death. She insists they all do PE. Robbie, instead of sending her for a caning, immediately gives in to her demands. It’s no wonder kids are like they are these days.
Sportacus backflips over to, you know, hang out with the schoolkids, at school. He does that. Robbie has a brilliant chance here to get Sportacus arrested but he doesn’t take it. I’m starting to lose my sympathy for Robbie, who is rapidly skidding towards getting grapevined to death.
Why doesn’t Sportacus have any friends his own age.
Sportacus dicks around for three and a half minutes. Meanwhile, Robbie has somehow managed to get under the playground, and is sawing a hole round everyone. This means the playground and everyone in it will fall to their deaths. Good. And they definitely can’t learn anything if they’re dead.
I have this all wrong. When you can’t accurately predict the plot of a Lazy Town episode, maybe it’s time to rethink your decision to exist. Anyway, Robbie has actually made a trapdoor for Sportacus to fall through the next time he does an aerobics. This leads to question mark profit.
As if it worked.
Ideally this would be the end of the episode, but we still have ten minutes left of this pube festival. But now we’re getting to the peril, which means we’re nearly done. During the science lesson, Robbie gets trapped in the classroom with some chemicals that are about to explode. How and why is not important. What is important is why are they working with all these dangerous chemicals when they haven’t even learned the alphabet yet?
I bet Sportacus gets out of that hole by eating an apple, and then saves the day. I’m so sure of this I might see if Paddy Power will give me a bet.
Stephanie tries to rescue Sportacus but can’t because she’s three. But a ha! Do you see that apple sized hole that Robbie very thoughtfully included in the trapdoor? Me too.
I’m wrong. Again. Stephanie eats the apple, and this makes her strong enough to rescue Sportacus. Fuck and bollocks. I’m the one who should be in that hole.
He does this for a bit. I forget why.
Then the kids shout some science at him through the door so he can “stop the chemical reaction”. Why didn’t they do that for Robbie? Because they’re communists, that’s why.
We get three minutes of Lethal Weapon 2, after which nothing happens, because nothing was ever going to happen, because this is a show for toddlers. Robbie just sort of goes away, and all the others congratulate themselves on being boring, apart from Stingy and Pixel who look like they’re watching two separate murders.
We never find out what happened to their real teacher.