Hello. It’s fucking June, which means it’s fucking summer. Last week I conducted a poll, and 100% of 1 participant voted summer the second worst time ever, losing only to that time that meteor killed all the dinosaurs.

Since it stops raining sometimes during summer, people can feel pressured into doing things other than daring each other to lick that thing they found under the settee. If you’re one of those people, and are struggling to find a fun summer activity, look no further. Here are 10 ideas to pass some time and make your summer be over as quickly as possible.

1. Complaining

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Complaining is a brilliant use of your time no matter what time of year it is, but it is especially productive in summer. Here are some complaints to get you started:

“It’s too hot.”
“It’s too bastard hot.”
“It’s not hot enough.”
“That man ate my salad.”
“Get your fucking leg away from me.”
“I can’t see I’ve gone blind.”

Nb. If it rains in June, even for five seconds, be sure to say “Well, I guess we’ve had our summer for the year then!” Everyone will smile at you and be your friend.

2. Sitting indoors with the curtains closed

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If you do this right you get to pretend that summer isn’t happening, and that the outside world gave up and went home. The aim of the activity is to block out every possible source of natural light in your house until it’s so hot and dark it’s like you’re up someone’s bum.

There are several ways you can achieve this:

1: Shut your curtains
2: Sellotape bin bags over the windows
3: Fill all cracks with that crack filling stuff, or toothpaste
4: Glue your door shut
5: Shut your eyes for three months

If you’re lazy or a bit tired, skip straight to #5. You might want to set your alarm clock for 9pm in October.

3. Looking at cows

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Summer is all about getting fresh air and getting back to nature and shit. There’s probably a cow near you. Or a dog or something. Go outside and look at it for a bit. Then go home. People also chew on hay in the summer because all the shops are shut and they can’t get any food.

4. Fighting

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Fighting is an excellent way to diffuse all the tension that’s built up due to being a human fucking fireball. If you’re pressed for time, you can stay at home and fight with family. However, if you have a day off, or you got sacked for stealing, why not try fighting with a stranger? It will liven up their day and give them a fun anecdote to tell their boring friends later, when they’re all at the Coldplay gig.

Because it’s summer, it’s generally accepted that you don’t need a reason to start a fight other than ‘it’s a bit hot’. This differs from winter, because the only legal reason to fight in winter is if you’re trying to get the last tub of ‘Richard Hammond novelty talcum powder’ on Christmas Eve.

Back to fighting. Here are some moves I like to use:

– Nipping
– Doing that thing where you pull someone’s top over their head
– Running away
– Trying to wave a wasp towards them with a bit of paper

The winner is the one not trying to start a fight with a stranger in the park. Unless your opponent starts crying, in which case you are the winner.

5. Hypochondria

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We all know that summer is the most perilous time of year. Hot weather is dangerous because it can potentially give you several illnesses, all of which you will get instantly at 12.01am on June 1st.

It’s better to be safe than sorry, so it’s a good idea to assume you have all the following diseases, and then to google these diseases, which will lead to you discovering 53 more diseases you didn’t realise you had. Summer is the seasonal equivalent of drinking knock off Red Bull you made yourself with Cillit Bang.

Summer diseases:

– Dysentry
– Rickets
– Bubonic Plague
– Feeling a bit hot
– Mumps
– Dandruff

Remember, you definitely have all these diseases, and it’s all the public’s fault because they won’t stop sitting next to you on the bus and they breathe.

6. Setting fire to food

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Hot weather leads to electricity shortages, which in turn leads to no one’s oven working until the man says so. But you can’t eat cold food, that is a stupid idea and leads to participating in #5. So in summer people must improvise and attempt to burn food and then pick over the charred remains like the Neanderthals they are.

Some people have a machine for burning food called a ‘barbecue’, but these cost upwards of £7000, which most people can’t afford because they’ve just spent all their money on bin bags and toothpaste. If you don’t have access to a barbecue, try waving your food over a candle for a bit. This might cook a corner of your food, or it might not, I’m not sure. One time I tried to cook a slice of bread with a lighter and it just went on fire.

You could also try rubbing two sticks together really fast, and then eating the sticks.

7. Queuing

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People queue for all kinds of fucking nonsense in summer, like tennis and injections. If you want to queue without the hassle, why not try queuing up for something no one else is queuing for, like a bin or a wall. Be careful though, because people are idiots and will join your queue if they see you queuing. But at least you’ll be at the front of the queue, and can keep them standing there all day for no reason.

8. Discussing going out

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We’ve all been there – sitting round being so bored you’re trying to see if you can kick yourself in the face. This low point is an excellent time to discuss going out. If you don’t have anyone to discuss going out with, you can probably rent someone. Or phone the Cones Hotline.

Here’s a rough template for your conversation Let’s call our speakers A and B.

A: “Isn’t it lovely outside?”
B: “Shut up.”
A: We shouldn’t be wasting this lovely weather cooped up inside, let’s go out and get some fresh air!”
B: “…”
A: I’m going to Google local attractions, and maybe we could pack a picnic.”
B: (mutters) “Maybe I could kick you in the fanny.”
A: “There’s a pottery exhibition at Crappington hall!”
B: “No.”
A: “Olde worlde merriment and loom class?”
B: “No.”
A: “Charity sheepdog trials?”
B: “No.”
A: “Over 65s all-comers amateur maypole championships?”
B: “I’m trying to watch Wheeler Dealers.”

A compromise is eventually reached, where both parties agree to stay indoors with the curtains shut, complaining that they still can’t see the TV properly because of the bastard sun. Both parties then move to Glasgow to ensure this never happens again.

Well?

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