I don’t play modern videogames. I’m no good at them because you have to have seven thumbs to be able to work them properly.
That’s not to say I’m particularly good at old games either. I can just about get the man to move around, but that’s it. Most of the time I’m better off just staring at the box and imagining what the game would be like were I any good at it.
These are my favourite box arts that I like to look at.
In the top right we have our hero doing the classic ‘Nerrr, you’re a div and a wanker’ action, which is entirely what you’d associate with an action platformer. Presumably he’s calling that bald man a div. Or he’s calling his three other selves divs. None of the four are really doing anything that helpful.
Look how happy they are to be beating the shit out of each other.
‘My hero’ is not someone who stands there and repeatedly gets punched in the face. Again, why is he so happy to be getting punched in the face? I bet he’s friends with the Vigilante guys, and they all go to each other’s houses and have a fight, then watch Countdown.
Right. What? Hang on, what? Is he wrestling himself? And pulling his own head off? And then doing that knuckle thing on his own head that indicates mild japes and bullying? That’s the sort of thing your big brother would do to you, apart from pulling your head off. I’m so confused.
And that concludes my reasoned analysis of this cover.
Sometimes I like to look at the box and imagine what the game is like even though I’ve never played it. I think this is a game about the world’s best microwave, and you have to cook things in it (possibly a zillion things), and then defend it from people who are trying to steal it.
You should never put your shoes in the microwave. Trust me.
I have no problem with the giant flying eyeball. I have no problem with the cat/rabbit thing with tusks. I don’t even have a problem with the main lady having square tits. What I do have a problem with is that muscly man in a bikini on the right. The one that’s possibly a really really angry lady. Personally I think it’s a man who’s angry because he has to wear that bikini. I bet he was supposed to wear something really manly and cool, but he forgot to bring it, so he had to wear something from the Lost Property box. So it was either wear the bikini or wear someone’s old Wham t-shirt that has a stain on it and smells of wee.
Wonder Boy in Monster Land
There seems to be a recurring theme of cheerful violence here. Look how happy he is to be twatting someone in the face with a big sword. I’m not sure why his opponent has mud flying off his shoes, given there’s no mud on the ground. And no ground. Wonder Boy has hair like Carry On era Barbara Windsor.
That dinosaur is laughing at that guy and going “You’re shooting the wrong way, pissflap, I’m over here.” Meanwhile, the guy’s friend is hissing “Jesus Frank, you promised me you knew what you were doing. I should have come here on my fucking own. You’re doing this on purpose to embarrass me aren’t you. Just because I laughed at you not being able to spell DFS. Fuck you Frank you fucking idiot.”
I understand this is quite a famous game, but I’ve never played it. I should play it, because I want to know why there’s a tiny man trying to point a screwdriver at a load of peas that have become self aware and formed a trade union.