Rainbow episode review: Bungle’s massive mandate

Have you ever thought to yourself “I wish I could watch the Labour Party crisis play out but with Bungle instead of Jeremy Corbyn?” Me too, which is why I’m so glad the episode ‘King For A Day’ exists.

Introducing our cast:

Bungle as Jeremy Corbyn
Geoffrey as Tom Watson
Jane as Diane Abbott
Rod and Freddy as the Lib Dems
Zippy and George as everyone else in the Labour Party

We begin our story with a meeting of the PLP. They’re all making paper hats, which is what they do in real life. Tom Watson is making food, which is what he does in real life.

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Bungle: “I’m making a crown so I can wear it at meetings. Then all you fuckers will respect me.”

Zippy and George: “Dream on Steptoe, we’ll just make you go sit in the corner like we always do.”

Geoffrey: “Never mind that, I’ve made a load of food. Look at all my food.”

Bungle: “This is fucking bullshit. What do I have to do to assert my authority? I was hoping this crown would do the trick. I’m out of ideas after this.”

Zippy: “You could try not hating Europe you fucking idiot.”

Bungle: “I do not hate Europe! There was that time where I helped Geoffrey learn French so he could write to his pen pal!”

Later on, the PLP are in bed. Zippy and George are discussing fiscal policy and the fact that Bungle smells funny.

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Bungle: “Shut up you two. When I’m king I’m going to make it illegal to say I smell.”

George: “Why did you let Geoffrey eat all that food when he swore he’d made it for all of us?”

Bungle: “Shut up George, I’ve got a mandate, you haven’t even got two arms.”

George: “Shit I think Geoffrey’s coming. Look busy.”

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Geoffrey: “Have you guys got anything else to eat?”

Zippy: “Fuck off Geoffrey, we were just about to oust Bungle by giving him a chinese burn.”

Geoffrey fucks off, and the PLP settle down to sleep. Bungle mulls over the day’s events.

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Bungle: “What, you think I’m planning to oust the monarchy and become king myself? I couldn’t possibly comment on that…”

With that, Bungle falls asleep. We enter Bungle’s dream, which is full of kinging…

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Geoffrey: “Oh God I’m SO FUCKING HUNGRY!”

Bungle: “There’ll be no food for you my lad, not until you’ve finished the deselections.”

Zippy: “Bungle, look what your deputy has done! There were 70 of these an hour ago!”

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Bungle: “Fucking brilliant, that was the last of the jam. I’m going to have to go make some more.”

Geoffrey: “Shut up you can’t prove it was me.”

Bungle: “Where is my royal consort?”

Jane is sent for. While Bungle waits for her to arrive, he and the PLP discuss their international options…

George: “We should invade Belgium. They must have a shitload of jam there. Or Switzerland.”

Zippy: “No not Switzerland. I don’t want anything to happen to my bank account.”

George: “Belgium it is then. Hurrah!”

Zippy: “Wait, I thought we were against invading places?”

George: “Don’t be silly.”

The royal consort arrives.

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Bungle: “Why have you brought the Lib Dems with you?”

Jane: “I needed a lift.”

Bungle: “Well tell them to go. Me and you have got sex to do. And then plotting.”

Jane: “Oh God Bungle you’re so sexy. However, I heard a rumour that Zippy and George are planning to lock you in a cupboard so you can’t do any kinging.”

Bungle: “WHAT? They wouldn’t dare.”

Jane: “Shhhh, they’re coming.”

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Zippy: “Oh hello Jane. I didn’t know you were coming.”

Jane: “What? What was that? Did anyone else hear a whining noise just then?”

Bungle: “Look what I can do with my cape!”

Zippy: “For fuck’s sake Bungle, how many times? It’s not a fucking cape.”

George: “Anyway Bungle, we need to talk.”

Jane: “Bungle, do you want to order them to pass any messages on through me? I don’t mind.”

Bungle: “No it’s ok my lovely, I have a mandate. And a cape.”

George: “The thing is, Bungle, this whole thing isn’t working out. It’s not you, it’s me. I mean, you’re smashing and everything, but maybe we should start being led by other people…”

Bungle: “What? Are you dumping me?”

Geoffrey: “Does anyone want that last jam tart?”

Jane: “Oh, sorry Geoffrey, my blood sugar’s low.”

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Zippy: “Right that’s it, you guys have to go.”

Bungle: “Like fuck I’m going anywhere. If you want my mandate and my cape you’re going to have to fight me for it. What about an arm wrestling match?”

Zippy: “That’s below the belt.”

George: “Look, we have no jam left. Furthermore, I read your diary last night, and I saw the bit about how you’re planning to ban oxygen. This has gone far enough now.”

Bungle: No, fuck you, you’re just jealous of my kinging. Anyway, Jane will support me.”

Jane: Damn right lover.”

Zippy: “Yeah well Geoffrey will back us up. Won’t you Geoffrey?”

Geoffrey: “Can anyone else smell chips?”

Bungle: “If you two don’t shut up I’m going to ban you. Then you’ll have to leave my kingdom.”

George: “But what about your subjects?”

Bungle: “Do they have a cape? No they don’t. So they can just shut up.”

Jane: “Stop ganging up on him you pair of bastards!”

The Party is now descending into chaos.

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Bungle: “Why are the Lib Dems still here? Will you two fuck off!”

Jane: “Don’t worry Bunglykins. I’m loyal to you, if they try anything I’ll hit them with a Guardian.”

Bungle: “Thank you darling. Oh, and thanks for that retweet the other day.”

Zippy: “Never mind retweets. Look Bungle, this is getting serious, the people are revolting.”

Bungle: “Yes they are.”

George: “Geoffrey, you have to step in here. Help us out. If you’re on our side then Bungle’s outnumbered, and we can all kick him up the arse until he goes.”

Geoffrey: “Sigh. Fine. Look Bungle, I think you should stop dicking about now.”

Bungle: “Jane – ATTACK!”

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Jane attacks. Zippy and George run away, fearing for their lives. Geoffrey runs away five minutes later, after checking there definitely aren’t any more jam tarts.

Bungle, in a moment of clarity, realises he has no servants, and is now stuck with Jane.

Bungle: “Oh God what have I done?”

Jane: “Good job lover. Now we can sit here and you can listen to me going on and on and on about how everyone else is wrong…”

Bungle wakes from his nightmare, relieved to find out he isn’t really king.

Bungle: “Oh you guys it was horrible. Geoffrey ate everything, and we were going to have to invade Belgium, and then Jane tried to sit on me and do sex.”

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Zippy and George: “Bungle, what the hell are you talking about?”

Bungle: “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

Fin.

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