I’ve been looking at that bloody website All Women Stalk again. This wasn’t my fault, I fell on it. Anyway, I was looking at ‘Ways to have fun with your boyfriend’, because apparently arguing about calibrating the TV while eating tuna doesn’t count as fun.
Their suggestions were rubbish, and included things like putting a face pack on the mister, which he wouldn’t have liked. Another list I read suggested strip poker, but the site had inexplicably illustrated this entry with a photo of Morrissey.
In the end we found ourselves watching a ropey woman get her flaps out on Babestation, while the mister read me the problem page in Take A Break. Do not judge us.
This has prompted me to realise that I can make a much better ‘fun activities’ list than the ones I found last night, so that is what I’m going to do.
Here, then, are things that cost up to no money, that you can do alone or with someone you can stand the sight of. But they must be done on a Saturday night – none of this Tuesday afternoon bollocks.
1: Stare into space
Turn this into a fun contest by sitting there not talking to each other and seeing who can stare into space the most. You can spice this activity up even more by thinking about uncomfortable things while you stare. Here are some thoughts to get you started:
“Do you remember that time you got pissed and did that really horrible thing?”
“Where would be the worst place to get a paper cut?”
“You should probably start being careful with which faces you pull now, you’re not getting any younger.”
“I hope the flat doesn’t suddenly explode.”
2: Take some drugs
Drugs are a fun way to bond with your partner, as well as with shopkeepers, strangers at the bus stop, and the police. I’m not entirely sure where you get drugs from, but there’s a man who stands outside our flat wearing a hoodie, so maybe try him?
If you’re bored of taking the same old heroin, why not change things up a bit and experiment? Root around your medicine cabinet to see if there are any out of date pills you can take. Or why not try putting something in the wrong hole? For example, I bet snorting toothpaste would produce some pretty interesting effects.
3: Have a screaming contest
This is great for the extroverts and the easily scared among us. It’s also a fun thing to do if you hate your neighbour because he blocked your car in once, and the excuse he gave was ‘I have a stepdaughter’. The winner is the first person to have blood actually come out of their ears.
It’s better to just do an incoherent scream – while screaming swears might be fun, it will decrease your volume and range, so these are best avoided. However, you should start screaming swears at some point during the evening, just because.
4: Do various shit with a Pringles tube
There are literally some things you can do with a Pringles tube. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Things you can do with a Pringles tube include taking turns to hit each other, using it as a play telescope, and eating the Pringles that are in it. If you have any more suggestions, don’t fucking bother me with them.
5: Have an argument
Arguing is a great way to communicate with your partner. It can be done alone, but solo arguing is advanced level, although it might explain why you’re alone in the first place. If you’re alone for the night but an arguing novice, I would suggest practising at the TV first. Remember to turn the TV on.
If you’re struggling for a topic, why not start with a discussion about which celebrity you’d have sex with if you could? This discussion is the gateway to a screaming match about ‘that thing you do with your arm’, ‘you are not calibrating the fucking TV again, what the fuck is wrong with you’, and my personal favourite – ‘FINE! WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING MARRY HER THEN!’
6: Pimp each other out
You know your partner is sexy, and the rest of the world deserves to know too. So why not try offering them around the neighbourhood for the low low price of, I don’t know, a quid? Turn it into a fun contest by seeing whose genitals earn the most money, and the loser has to do the washing up or something.
There’s always broken shit that needs mending. If you can’t find anything to mend, break something then mend it. If you’re having a fun night in with your partner, break something belonging to them. They won’t mind, because it will get mended, and anyway it’s all part of the Saturday night fun and japes.
A word of warning though – make sure you’re any good at mending before you start. Otherwise you’ll have to phone the man, and I think the man charges extra on a Saturday night.
8: Phone a sex line
You know those ladies on TV who talk on the phone, and sometimes they’re not very good at it because they’re holding the phone next to the wrong hole? Why not brighten up their evening by ringing them to chat about something other than sex? Or you can talk about sex if you want, they’re probably quite good at that. But I bet those ladies would welcome a debate about Epiphenomenalism.
However, do not ring the number then chicken out at the last minute and give the phone to me so I have to talk to her.
9: Do some lying
Make lying into a fun game by seeing who can tell the biggest lie. Add an extra bit of fun to the game by not telling your partner what’s going on. To date, the biggest lie I’ve ever told (apart from ‘I’m a size 12’) is ‘Gary Wilmot once asked to look at my tits while I was trying to order a sandwich at Subway, which was on the moon’. You’ll find you can get away with saying any old shit if you include a relatively obscure celebrity in your anecdote. And also if your partner isn’t listening. However, do not lie about things that actually happened, as this is just telling the truth.
10: Have a weeing up the wall contest
I don’t see why guys should have all the fun – women piss too, which is why it’s fun to challenge your partner to see who can do the most vertical wee. If you’re both female, this might possibly end up being a draw.
Anyway, ladies can use the following methods to extend their range:
- Weeing through the Pringles tube (I’ve never actually tried this, but I assume that would work because of science)
- Weeing really, really hard until you pull something
- Using a water pistol that’s been pre-loaded with wee
It’s probably best not to use an interior wall for this, especially if you’ve just put a coat of ‘Dusky Plum’ on it.
You know what, I might still be a bit pissed from last night, so this whole thing probably makes no sense. Also, I wish I had a Foster and Allen mug.