Imagine the following. You’re 6 years old, and a cartoon version of ALF appears in your bedroom threatening to eat what you thought was your lamp. Do you:
A) start smoking crack
B) not start smoking crack
Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue was a 1990 TV special intended to prevent small children taking drugs. As everyone knows, kids are most in danger of developing a drug problem between the ages of 3 and 7. After this, they stop viewing it as a problem so it’s fine.
This is a real thing that happened: some Americans sat round a table one day and said “Right, we need to stop toddlers smoking crack. This is a matter of urgency, so we need to do it STAT!”
I’m not sure what STAT is, but I know they say that in America.
And that’s how we ended up with Winnie The Pooh, the Smurfs, and the Muppet Babies all sat round nagging you.
Let’s follow our brave heroes through a journey of ‘Fucking What’, and then maybe we won’t start smoking crack either.
Oh shit, someone is stealing Corey’s piggy bank! I wonder what they’re going to spend the money on. Not much, if real life piggy banks are anything to go by. When I was that age, my piggy bank contained 7p, paperclips, and various ‘top secret’ notes I’d posted to myself for some reason.
This prompts all Corey’s shameless TV cash-in merchandise to come to life.
Garfield looks fucking raring to go. He only gets up when ALF threatens to eat him. Slimer also makes an appearance around this point, but he’s really just looking for something to eat.
In fact, only about 60% of the characters seem to want to do anything about this drugs situation, and they’re all the shit ones like the Smurfs, and the Chipmunks who aren’t Alvin.
I wonder why we’ve never had something similar in Britain.
All the merchandise go in search of the piggy bank. Garfield knows exactly how the audience is feeling.
We track down the piggy bank to her brother Michael’s room. Look how EVIL he is, and also I’m not sure his arm is supposed to bend that way.
Michael hides his ‘box of drugs’ under his bed, where the merchandise are unable to keep their nose out of his property. That Chipmunk with the glasses explains the contents of the box to the others:
“My guess would be marijuana – an unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.”
Don’t forget, this was 1990, so he managed to reel this off without reading from Wikipedia. Although I’m not sure Wikipedia would ever sound that judgemental.
Corey is being unrealistically patient with Michael – “If you wanted money you could have just said!” rather than “YOU’RE A BASTARD I’M GETTING YOU DONE! MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM!” and then kicking him in the shin.
Michael’s had enough of her shit so he goes to the arcade. When he gets there he starts doing an impression of me on a morning, while an evil cloud of smoke appears and starts talking to him.
I wish a cloud of smoke would appear and start talking to me on a morning. It would make a fantastic sitcom. The smoke could be called Dave. In fact, I’ve already started writing a script:
Dave: “Good morning! You know what? I think you should do something evil today.”
Dave: “We could go unfold all the tops in Primark…”
Me: “Shut up I’m trying to scratch my fanny.”
(Trombone music plays)
Back to the plot. One of the bad dudes shows the others his crack:
But before they can do anything with it, the rozzers happen to drive past the arcade, and this prompts everyone to panic and run out of the arcade. This is entirely logical.
Bugs Bunny turns up for a reason I must have missed. Michael deals with this by going “Fuck off rabbit.” I like Michael. Everyone should just leave him the fuck alone.
Bugs Bunny makes Michael go in a time machine, while Michael stands there looking bored.
Then some other stuff happens, but I’m starting to lose the will to live. I think it’s something to do with the dad noticing his beer’s gone missing. The mum goes “Oh, you must have drunk it.” The dad accepts this explanation because he’s such a raging alcoholic. And then that girl has a boring conversation with Winnie The Pooh.
Let’s get back to the time machine. Here they are in the past. We witness the precise moment Michael stops being an annoying little shit and starts being a normal teenager.
Bugs is now in auto-nag mode. “If everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you?” Well, let’s see:
A) They’re not.
B) It depends on whether I’ve got a nagging rabbit chasing me.
C) Is there weed at the bottom of this cliff?
Now Michelangelo is standing there telling him and Dave off, in a sewer. The Bugs Bunny/time travel thing just stopped with zero explanation.
Oh I see, Michelangelo is the ghost of Christmas Present. Bugs Bunny was the ghost of being annoying.
Christmas Present involves riding a roller coaster of nightmares with the Muppet Babies. However, it’s not a proper Christmas until my dad comes into the living room and announces we’re eating off the big plates.
Then there’s a big song and dance number that I AM FUCKING SKIPPING.
All this hallucinogenic nonsense isn’t quite enough to make Michael give up his weed. After all, it might come in handy one day, if he ever wants to smoke some weed. Dave points this out to him. It would have been better with a laugh track.
Then Michael’s reflection turns into ALF. This definitely needs a laugh track.
Oh right, ALF is the ghost of Christmas Future. Christmas Future is set in the year 2027. Everyone is now a zombie and lives in a hall of mirrors. This is because of Brexit.
While Michael’s off dicking about with Christmas stuff, Corey is thinking about smoking his weed. I suppose her money did pay for it, so it’s only fair. I think she should.
Dave thinks she should too. Bad Dave.
Meanwhile, Michael is now being chased along a roller coaster track by one of Huey, Dewey and Louie, who is trying to kill him. Then he falls past his own tonsils, is waved at by Tigger in a boat, and gets spat out by Miss Piggy. This must be Boxing Day.
Michael escapes from Boxing Day just in time to stop Corey nicking his stash, the massive freeloader. Then he announces he’s going to quit “drugs”, and all the merchandise go back into the poster that they weren’t in before, but ignore that.
Then it stops. I think this means it’s finished. I don’t really fancy any drugs, but I’m now desperate to ingest something stupid just to spite these people, so I think I might go eat neat paprika with a spoon.