One of the things I love about Rainbow is that there’s an episode about any subject you can think of. There’s probably an episode about what to do if you’ve killed a bunch of people and need to get rid of the evidence, or how to pose as your own evil twin.
Wow, turns out there is. Sort of.
I’m dogsitting for the week, so I figured I’d watch the episode where Geoffrey looks after a dog. Only you’re not supposed to realise it’s a dog until the end, except it’s obvious unless you’re an idiot like Bungle.
The dog in question is called Bobby. One of the dogs I’m looking after is also called Bobby, but that’s where the similarity ends. At no point does Geoffrey’s Bobby do the following things:
– Run round and round and round and round and round in a circle
– Try to eat other dogs’ poo
– Headbutt my legs if he suspects I have food
– Fail to realise he’s lost his ball because he’s sat on it
– Be a wazzock
If you’re in the Midlands, I believe he’s what’s known as a ‘wammel’.
Anyway, on with the episode. The gang are in bed:
The odd thing about this shot is that the room is the wrong way round. Normally the door is on the left. Has Geoffrey had the house redone so that now he comes in through the window? Why would you do that? Maybe he’s hoping Bungle will get confused in the middle of the night, head to the toilet and end up falling to his hairy death instead.
They’re woken up by a barking dog, which they all complain about.
Geoffrey comes in, annoyed that his Bungle/window plan hasn’t worked. Never mind, it’ll work one day if he keeps changing the house around.
Geoffrey looks out of the window and sees that they have new neighbours moving in. He spies on them while we hear the neighbour shout “Bobby! Don’t run into the road!” followed by a dog barking.
Bungle, Zippy and George agree that Bobby must be the neighbours’ kid. Geoffrey does not correct them, despite having seen that Bobby is their dog.
Geoffrey decides he’d better go help the new neighbours. I think he means in case they need anyone to go round uninvited and look at all their stuff and judge it.
He goes round to introduce himself. I can’t imagine how that conversation would go.
“So Geoff, do you have any kids?”
“Kids? Yeah why not.”
“Well, I live with a hippo, a rugby ball and a man in a bear suit.”
“A trio of singers live in my kitchen.”
“You should come round, the bear will make us all a trifle.”
“Oh I can’t, I’ve just remembered, I’m busy for the rest of my life…”
Meanwhile, those three have dragged their lazy carcasses out of bed.
They’re waiting for Geoffrey to come back and get their breakfast, and presumably put it in their mouths for them. Let’s not forget that we’ve seen many examples of those three getting their own meals before, particularly that time when Bungle made everyone an entire hostess trolley full of food.
We’ve also seen Bungle wallpaper a room on his own, but that’s neither here nor there.
Geoffrey comes back but, instead of getting breakfast, announces that the complete strangers next door are trusting him to look after Bobby for the day while they swan off somewhere. Strangely, he thinks Bobby might react badly to being put in a room with Bungle, George and Zippy, so he gives Bobby his breakfast next door.
“But what about our breakfast Geoffrey?”
“For fuck’s sake, you guys can get your own breakfast. What are you, three?”
“Yes, in some episodes.”
“Well not in this one. This is going to be like that time I left Bungle in charge and he spent the whole time pretending to be Superman.”
To show he’s not a complete bastard, Geoffrey at least gets their cereal for them.
Oh no! Geoffrey has accidentally given them the box of dog biscuits he was going to give Bobby! Which does raise the following question – what is Geoffrey doing with a box of dog biscuits already in his kitchen? He doesn’t have a dog.
Bungle, George and Zippy remark on how shit the ‘new cornflakes’ are, and refuse to eat them. But thankfully Geoffrey returns just in time to save them from certain starvation. He issues them with their normal box of ‘Rainbow’ brand cornflakes, and he takes the box of dog biscuits.
Now then. Can you see there, where it clearly says ‘DOG BISCUITS’ on it? This proves beyond a doubt that Bungle, Zippy and George can’t read because they’re about three years old and, yet Geoffrey has a go at them for not being completely independent and having jobs already. Geoffrey is a bad man. I should report him to the RSPCZ.
After a while Geoffrey graces us with his presence again, but only to say that he’s taking Bobby for a walk. Bungle, George and Zippy aren’t invited, because one idiot running round trying to sniff people’s crotches is quite enough thank you, and he can’t cope with four.
It still hasn’t crossed their minds that Bobby could be anything but a weird child, even when Geoffrey tells them Bobby sleeps in a basket. I’m starting to lose patience with them.
And you Geoffrey, don’t think you’re getting off scot free either. You should have realised they’re idiots and wouldn’t immediately know Bobby was a dog, despite your cunning visual clues. You’re not in an episode of Poirot for fuck’s sake.
The gang spend 5 minutes doing passive-aggressive moves on Geoffrey, but when he relents and invites them along they tell him to fuck right off.
Then they sit like this until lunchtime:
Their world has fucking ended. Geoffrey doesn’t love them anymore. He’s finally going to follow through on his threats to sell them for medical experiments. Even if he doesn’t they’ll end up on the mean streets where they will have to pimp out their (admittedly interesting) bodies just to afford gruel. It’s Cheeky D’s Crack ‘n’ Whore House from now on.
All this because they can’t identify a dog.
Geoffrey comes back in time to cook them dinner, thus snatching them from the jaws of death twice in once day.
There’s a twist – he hasn’t made them lunch at all, he’s done them a plate of salad. I am going to call the RSPCZ on him. I’m going to invent the RSPCZ, and then as soon as it exists I’m going to call them.
To be fair to Geoffrey, he’s gone to the trouble of putting flowers on the table, so he must care a bit. On the other hand, he’s done them a salad. The flowers are probably for dessert.
To really rub it in, Geoffrey’s cooked Bobby a fillet steak, or at least something that isn’t fucking salad. Probably because Bobby doesn’t sit there being passive-aggressive and weird.
Now it’s time for the post-lunch whinge:
I like this screenshot. It looks like Bungle’s the world weary barman, and they’re all going to break into ‘One For My Baby And One More For The Road’.
Geoffrey’s still not back, and it’s getting on for 2 in the afternoon. The gang decide to go to bed.
Well, kind of. What they actually do is decide to go sit on the bed and act depressed until Geoffrey comes home and finds them like that, in a weird passive-aggressive stand off:
I paused it on the following bit, which looks like Geoffrey has come back and gone “I’m sick of your shit. You know what? I do love the dog more than I love you guys. He doesn’t shit everywhere for a start, Bungle, and he doesn’t lick his balls when I’m trying to watch Eastenders. Bungle. Again. So I’m going to kick you guys out and move him in, SO THERE.
I wish that happened, but it doesn’t. What actually happens is Geoffrey comes in and they all have a nice chat about how Geoffrey isn’t dumping them for Bobby. However, at no point during this lovely, air clearing chat does Geoffrey mention that Bobby is a dog, so they STILL DON’T KNOW THIS.
It’s only when Geoffrey finally gets them all in the same room that the penny drops.
Look at Geoffrey’s pleased face, the one he always gets when he’s outsmarted those three idiots.
Incidentally, I had to write that last line one-handed, because the real Bobby had decided my left arm was a great place to sit.