You know what’s overrated? Everything except sitting around becoming a bit more dead. The gang agree with me in today’s episode, which is about a competition to see who can be the laziest bastard in the world.
We start with George in Ultimate Nag Mode™:
“Look at the state of this kitchen Zippy. You never fucking do anything. You never even notice when I’ve had my hair done.”
Zippy is refusing to wash up because it’s not his turn to wash up. George replies that it’s Zippy’s turn to dry up, and he has no excuse for not doing that.
Except that there isn’t any washing up to dry, you bellend.
I don’t even know why we’re having this conversation. It’s obviously Bungle’s turn to wash up.
A truce is declared when they hear Geoffrey come downstairs, and both shit themselves. In a genius move, they hide the washing up by throwing a tea towel over it. Presumably Geoffrey will just think it’s Bungle under there and be fine with that.
Geoffrey enters and announces that today he is going to do fuck all, apart from wearing the Saved By The Bell opening credits.
Then they all have a philosophical debate about whether it’s even possible to do nothing. Zippy puts forward the opinion that merely existing is an action. Shut up Zippy, Geoffrey only means that he’s not going to spend the day cleaning up Bungle’s shit and piss. He didn’t mean to suggest he was going to not be alive. There’s no need to turn into Bertrand Russell.
And anyway, no one would even have to do the washing up if the rest of your kitchen stuff wasn’t just drawn on the wall.
Geoffrey discovers the secret washing up by looking at it. Then they all have a row for about ten minutes over whose turn it is to wash up.
“It’s not my turn!”
“It’s not my turn either!”
“Well it’s not my turn, so one of us is lying!”
(repeat x 783)
It takes them a week to remember that there is another member of the household. Then they all swear vengeance on him. George’s face fucking escalated quickly.
They go upstairs with the intention of killing Bungle, which is a stupid idea because then it’ll be no one’s turn to do the washing up and it will never get done. Better to let him do the washing up, then kill him.
“WAKE UP YOU FUCKER!” they shout.
“Go away,” says Bungle. “I’m in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything or speak to anyone all day, and then later on I inexplicably make you all a trifle.”
“How are you going to make us a trifle if you haven’t done the washing up? Riddle me that you fat fuck,” replies Geoffrey.
Bungle goes and does the washing up, but probably leaves arse hair all over everything in revenge. Afterwards Geoffrey has a go at George for not drying up properly. “Look at these plates. They’re still wet!”
Wait, rewind. It was Zippy’s turn to dry up. George had a period when he tried to get out of it earlier, but now we’re supposed to believe he’s ok with Zippy missing his turn? What next, the sky’s on fire? Can’t I trust anything anymore? My mental state’s hanging by a thread as it is.
The gang nag Geoffrey into reading them a story. He agrees to this while Bungle punches himself in the face.
After the story, the gang get on with sitting around doing fuck all, but their peace is shattered when the doorbell rings. They all slump down like someone’s just confiscated their kidneys. They do not want to see anyone.
Here’s an idea Geoffrey – if you want your visitor to go away, try sticking your knob through the letterbox. That would probably make me go away. Probably.
For once, they’re all hoping that it’s just some kids playing knock a door run. No such luck – it’s Christopher, who just ‘happened’ to be passing. With a guitar. They’re all overjoyed to see him.
In what is definitely just a massive coincidence, Christopher has just written a new song about relaxing and going to sleep.
Geoffrey thinks this is boring as fuck.
They all pretend to be asleep just to make Christopher leave, and then we’re done for another day. I’d like to think there’s a post-credits scene where they all start slagging him off as soon as he’s out of the door. And then they remember they were all going to kill Bungle so they do.