The other day I ended up down the Amazon rabbit hole. I can’t remember what I was originally looking for, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t any of these.

Please note – this list also doubles up as my letter to Santa for this year.

How To Tie Your Tie 9 Million Different Ways


Contains knots for the following occasions:

Farting in a lift and blaming it on the guy who doesn’t speak English
Getting the giggles at a funeral
Winning a fight at the Primark sale rail

Not sure if it contains a knot for when you don’t wear a tie.

Awkward Couple’s Greatest Hits


I’m now taking bets on which one of these two finally managed to murder the other one. Either that, or this picture contains levels of sexual tension not seen since Foster and Allen.

Includes the hits ‘Jesus Norman, that joke stopped being funny after the first 17 times you told it’, ‘I should have married Keith’, and ‘Why do you never put the fucking butter back in the fridge? Why don’t you just eat it with a spoon you fat bitch’.

Bongo Twats


You know that guy called Tarquin/Hugo/Sebastian who’s a vegan and uses a typewriter in Starbucks? You have this guy to thank for him waking you up in the middle of the fucking night while he ‘expresses himself’.

Piss! The Video


I really want this to be a deliberate pun, but judging by the completely serious design, it isn’t. I think what it is is a documentary about men in the olden days drinking their own wee, while saying ‘verily’.

Massage Your Mate


In the UK, this title is likely to be taken the wrong way. Especially in Doncaster.

Anyway, this is definitely not a sex video. Definitely not. It’s ‘suitable for the entire family’. So family friendly, in fact, that Playboy reviewed it.

Also, what kind of family are you in where the only choices are playing Scrabble or massaging your grandma? Ew.

I can’t help feeling that the disc for this smells a bit like raw meat.

Ecstatic Dance


This is a lady who would prefer to be called ‘Nightingale Starswallow’, and who possibly uses phrases like ‘quantum vibrational chakra raising’.

I think this video teaches you how to do waving. It shouldn’t have ‘dance’ in the title if it’s all about waving – waving isn’t dancing. And she’s not even getting the waving right on the cover. She should watch the Queen on TV – there’s someone who knows how to do waving. This woman’s not the queen of anything, except being bad at waving.

She doesn’t look very happy either. This title is lying from start to finish.

Whatever This Is


I have no fucking clue what any of this means. Is it something about drumming? Drumming while on the phone? Why not just fucking call it ‘How To Do Drumming While On The Phone’ then?

Why is he sitting outside the Alton Towers Hotel.

3 thoughts on “Some DVDs I found on Amazon

  1. I’m a drummer and I have not the foggiest what that last thing means, so I’m quietly confident that it’s not a drumming thing.

    You may be surprised to learn (as I just did via that Wiki thing) that Norman Blake is a well regarded session folk muso and has played with Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Plant, and was in the house band on Johnny Cash’s telly show.



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