12 scary things and why they are scary

Stop going on about scary clowns. Here are 12 things that are scarier than clowns.

Jam Mini Rolls


They are not chocolate ones. There is a danger of buying these thinking they’re chocolate, then getting them home and discovering they are nothing of the sort.

Oak Furniture Land


As long as it exists, you might accidentally go there one day. Then men will smile at you and make you buy a table.

Phone calls


You have to answer them if you can’t get away with hiding under your bed. Then you might say the wrong thing by mistake, such as “My penis is missing” when you meant “Hello”.



Carry the risk of paper cuts. Also, they might contain ghosts.



Murderers wear shoes.

This woman


I have good reason to believe she breaks into my flat and uses my coffee when I’m asleep. She does this by somehow getting through the gap under the door.

Homes Under The Hammer


This man can demolish an entire house with a hammer. Best not make him cross. It might be a house just three miles from a local school.



What if you fill one in, and all the words form an incantation that summons the devil? And the people at the Birmingham Express & Star didn’t realise? They probably did realise, but they were too busy writing about some people having a sponsored knit.



They sell so many, it’s inevitable that at least one of them is haunted.

This jumper


Look at it.

King size duvet covers


Once I tried to change one of these on my own, but I got lost inside it and I’m still in there to this day. I’ve had to do a wee in here and everything.

Vernon Kay


If you laugh at Vernon Kay, he owns your soul. I think I read that in a thing somewhere.

9 thoughts on “12 scary things and why they are scary

  1. I just imagined Vernon Kay in a Kim Jong Un jumper. I reckon I’ll end up being sectioned; once I stop screaming from inside this duvet cover.

    I want my mammy.


  2. I’m fortunate that I’ve never laughed at Vernon Kaye, then. But then I still have to live in a world where Vernon Kaye is a popular tv sleb. That’s terrifying enough.

    (Gonna be honest, that duvet cover probably would give me the willies, with the lights turned off.)


  3. Vernon Kay went to my school, he’d left just before I went there though. In other news I watched Homes Under the Hammer one morning this week on a day off, I find it strangely enjoyable.



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