Stop going on about scary clowns. Here are 12 things that are scarier than clowns.

Jam Mini Rolls

They are not chocolate ones. There is a danger of buying these thinking they’re chocolate, then getting them home and discovering they are nothing of the sort.

Oak Furniture Land

As long as it exists, you might accidentally go there one day. Then men will smile at you and make you buy a table.

Phone calls

You have to answer them if you can’t get away with hiding under your bed. Then you might say the wrong thing by mistake, such as “My penis is missing” when you meant “Hello”.

Envelopes

Carry the risk of paper cuts. Also, they might contain ghosts.

Shoes

Murderers wear shoes.

This woman

I have good reason to believe she breaks into my flat and uses my coffee when I’m asleep. She does this by somehow getting through the gap under the door.

Homes Under The Hammer

This man can demolish an entire house with a hammer. Best not make him cross. It might be a house just three miles from a local school.

Crosswords

What if you fill one in, and all the words form an incantation that summons the devil? And the people at the Birmingham Express & Star didn’t realise? They probably did realise, but they were too busy writing about some people having a sponsored knit.

Doritos

They sell so many, it’s inevitable that at least one of them is haunted.

This jumper

Look at it.

King size duvet covers

Once I tried to change one of these on my own, but I got lost inside it and I’m still in there to this day. I’ve had to do a wee in here and everything.

Vernon Kay

If you laugh at Vernon Kay, he owns your soul. I think I read that in a thing somewhere.