Sometimes I’m really glad my boyfriend is a bit of a hoarder. He’s the type to store his nuts away, and I don’t mind this too much unless I’m navigating through a sea of odd screws, lids and general crap that “we might need one day”.
(For “one day”, see: “If the government ever decides to kill anyone who can’t do Blue Peter makes when asked.)
Anyway, from among his precious hoard of crap and lids, he recently produced this:
Ladies and gentlemen – his pencil case from school. Join me as we wander through a treasure trove of Tippex, shit pens and evidence that I go out with Will from The Inbetweeners…
This is a big, serious ruler, for big, serious ruling. Also, note that the only vandalism is his name written on it neatly. This leads me to the conclusion that Alex was a gimpy swot at school. Further investigation confirms this, as he admitted to having A) a briefcase, and B) name tags sewn into his ties.
The first thing I did with this was sniff it, because that’s what you do. Then I tried to paint my nails, but I got bored with that.
For his special calculator that does graphs. When I heard this, I was the opposite of surprised. Apparently, he also programmed games into it by hand, which makes him a bona fide genius as well as a gimpy swot. Note the Jan 2000 expiration date, and the fact that they have amazingly not leaked.
Coronation Street rubber
Got from a Granada Studios tour. Alex was very enthusiastic about going on the Aliens 4D ride, but mentions nothing about Coronation Street.
He also claims his dad made the entire family buy loads of rubbers so he could claim them back on his work expenses. And that it was a shit rubber which just made the paper go a bit red.
An interesting mix, I’m sure we can all agree.
One end pen, one end eraser. The magic part comes from the eraser bit being able to ‘magically’ smudge the ink bit so it sort of goes away but not really.
All hail Satan.
Includes bits of Alex’s special gimp protractor that goes all the way round, for people who want to do maths.
This was Alex’s favourite pen, because he said it reminded him of the space shuttle. Something about the way you load the ink cartridge in. Then he said something about cargo bay doors, but I was trying to watch The Apprentice at the time.
Alex’s school didn’t allow biros. Their desks had inkwells in them. They also had a moat. I wish I was lying.
Yellow and black pencils that are in various states ranging from ‘never used’ to ‘Fuck, I can’t remember the capital of Gibraltar!’.
As Alex was a serious student with a stupid round protractor, he had no need for things like highlighters. As everyone knows, highlighters are just for dicking about by looking like you’re doing work, but really just highlighting words like ‘sex’ and ‘testes’.
Alex was above such nonsense, so his highlighters remained largely unused. He explained that he only had them in the first place because his dad nicked a load from work.