Good evening. Today I pay tribute to the original anti-social triggering shitlord. In this episode Zippy goes on a rampage, grinding the feelings of Bungle, George and Geoffrey into the dirt where they belong.
Just kidding. All he does is piss Bungle off, which is always worth doing.
Bungle’s building a shit tower. Geoffrey is laughing at how shit the tower is.
Go on Geoffrey, crush his dreams. It’s the only way he’ll learn.
They’re all having a competition to see who can build the highest tower. the current record is six bricks.
Pop quiz. Will Bungle:
A) beat the record
B) fail like a big failure and then blame someone else
If you answered B: congratulations.
Zippy comes along and decides to knock Bungle’s shit tower over so he can build a better one. In Bungle’s defence, this one was sort of Zippy’s fault. In Zippy’s defence, Bungle fucking deserved it.
Plus, this is a hell of a face:
All the others gang up on Zippy and decide to beat the shit out of him by saying words at him, like that will have any effect whatsoever on Zippy. Zippy’s having none of it. He fucks off.
He fucks straight back on again, waving a spoon around. Why he keeps a spoon under the table is not important. It’s like the old saying: ‘It’s not where you got your spoon from, it’s what you do with your spoon.’
He’s waving that spoon dangerously close to Bungle’s shit tower 2.0. So dangerously close that he twats Bungle’s tower over again, completely accidentally on purpose.
Uh-oh, someone needs a safe space:
Geoffrey manages to prevent Bungle’s PTSD by getting him to choose a story from the book. As regular readers know, Bungle has a unique style of reading. Today, however, he decides to break with tradition by not holding the book one fucking millimetre from his fucking face. In an unorthodox move, he decides to hold the book against his armpit, and also to look in the opposite direction of the book.
“You’re such an unbelievable bastard Zippy. I can’t believe how much of a bastard you are. I bet you vote UKIP as well don’t you.”
“Fuck off Bungle, you’re the one who’s Paul Nuttall under that bear suit.”
Zippy tries to confiscate the book, leading to a bitch fight. Geoffrey intervenes and loses his shit, while Zippy looks like he’s just realised there’s a bear standing next to him.
Zippy fucks off, this time for really, extremely real. This leaves a big gaping hole in the tableau, so I’ve used some artistic licence.
While Zippy’s gone, Bungle suggests they all have a story without him, so they can all point and laugh later when he finds out he’s missed it. Geoffrey reminds Bungle that “Perhaps Zippy wouldn’t be a prick to you if you weren’t such a prick.”
“Fuck off Geoffrey, stop oppressing me,” shouts Bungle. George probably says something too, but no one really cares.
Geoffrey reads Bungle and George a story, despite having a go at Bungle for suggesting it a minute ago. When Zippy shows up three hours later, Geoffrey has to break it to him that he’s missed the story. Zippy sinks into a deep depression.
Poor Zippy. All this because Bungle was a whining bitch.
To make matters worse, the others have eaten all the sausages they were going to have for tea, and now Zippy has to starve. Bungle appears like a big, looming Bob Ross painting of himself to tell Zippy this.
The smug bastard. Go on Zippy, glue nails to all the books so he’ll stab himself in the eyes next time he tries to read them.
Turns out they were just joking about the sausages, but before they let him have any, they make him say the following things:
“Bungle’s feelings are just as important as mine.”
“It isn’t Bungle’s fault he’s a stupid loser.”
“We have always been at war with Eastasia.”
Zippy finally gets his sausages. Eating tubes of meat revives him, and soon he’s back to his old self.
“I didn’t mean a word of that you fucking diseased nipples. And I tell you what, I voted for Donald Trump, because he’s the same colour as me, so fuck you!”
“No you didn’t,” says Geoffrey. “A) You’re not American, and B), we’re in the past. At best, you voted for John Major.”
And then they all immediately forget everything and are all friends again.
Don’t worry, Bungle is holding a sausage, he doesn’t have a broken finger. I wish he did.