I’ve been asked to review this episode, and who am I to disappoint one of my three readers.
‘If Only We Hadn’t’ is the last proper episode of Rainbow ever made. It’s about doing things you later regret, such as agreeing to play Bungle.
Let’s crack on, because I’ve got to glue something after this.
Geoffrey is reading the gang a story about a robot. Note that out of all of them, Geoffrey is the most excited about this.
After the story, Bungle gets up and starts doing robot dancing like a naked, spherical Peter Crouch. Geoffrey looks on with an expression that says ‘I’m so glad I emailed North Korea yesterday and told them you were a spy’.
Geoffrey announces that there’s too much crap in the house, and that he’s getting rid of all of it. Zippy suggests they might want to Ebay Bungle: “Slightly soiled, no careful owners, suitable for deaf person.” Geoffrey pretends to be outraged while laughing and thinking ‘I really must invent the internet so I can Ebay Bungle. And also so I can email North Korea like I just said I did.’
Geoffrey promises to make cornflake cakes later, as long as they don’t do anything stupid while he’s gone, like cut up the cornflakes box (THIS IS IMPORTANT). Then he goes off to sort out the pans or whatever he’s doing. Bungle decides he’s going to build a silver robot, like the one in the story. Zippy immediately pisses on the idea, citing Bungle’s inability to do anything ever.
To be fair to Bungle, Zippy is a complete dick in this episode; he’s winding Bungle up for no real reason. Since this is the last episode, I’m hoping that Bungle will finally snap and eat Zippy.
He doesn’t. He does the next best thing, which is pointing at him. Zippy gives him the sly finger.
This somehow evolves into a contest between Bungle and Zippy over who can make the best thing. I’m going to call it now and say that neither of them will make anything good, because Zippy only has one arm, and Bungle is Bungle.
George says “Let’s make a rocket out of the washing up liquid bottle.”
This is the washing up liquid bottle:
It’s nearly, but not quite, as good as my imaginary range of cleaning products called ‘Shite Away’.
Also it’s full, so Zippy goes to empty it out. While he’s gone, Geoffrey comes back in and has the following exchange with George:
“Everything all right George?”
Zero fucks given. I love Geoffrey when he’s in this mood.
Zippy comes back, and he’s emptied the washing up liquid down the fucking sink. It’s like Freaky Friday and him and Bungle have swapped minds.
He’s also apparently cleaned the bottle out, despite it still having the top welded on.
Next they need some cardboard to make the wings for the rocket. The only thing in the entire house that’s made of cardboard is the cornflakes box. Do you remember the important thing from earlier?
I love the way they’ve gone to the trouble of copying the Kellogg’s font.
“All the cardboard we need!”
Kellogg’s should use that as the slogan for cornflakes.
Bungle comes in to say something, but I’m distracted because half of his shoulder flap is missing.
Where is it?
Anyway, Bungle launches into an ‘As you know’ speech about how Geoffrey loses his shit if you use stuff without asking, especially when it’s for something shit like a pretend rocket.
Well that shows how much you know Bungle, because the rocket isn’t shit, it’s actually really good:
Oh my fucking God:
WHY HAS HE GOT NO FUCKING PANTS ON AGAIN.
“Right, it’s time to make the cornflake cakes” says Geoffrey. He reels off a list of things he’ll need to make them. This list includes washing up liquid, cornflakes, and tin foil.
Why do you need tin foil to make cornflake cakes?
What did Zippy do with the cornflakes? He only needed a bit of the box, so aren’t the cornflakes sat around in their bag somewhere?
Why is Bungle still wearing that box?
The penny drops. Geoffrey realises where all the missing things have gone. Apart from the cornflakes. Will someone answer me about the fucking cornflakes please?
Oh wait, Zippy “gave the cornflakes to the birds”. WHY?
Zippy, seriously. At this point you’re actually managing to look stupider than Bungle. Think about that.
Geoffrey’s annoyed for about a second, then forgets it and says “Come on, we’ll go to the shop and get some more stuff.”. Zippy says “If only I hadn’t taken those things.” George doesn’t say “If only I hadn’t been such an enabler and been just as guilty as Zippy while letting him get the blame for everything.” George doesn’t say that, but he fucking should.
Bungle is still wearing the box. Evidently he’s planning to go to the shop in it. I suppose it’s one step up from public nudity, but the shopkeeper will still see his knob, and then say “If only I hadn’t seen Bungle’s knob.”.