Rainbow episode review: Mistletoe and Whining

Well, what fucking japes are we going to get up to this time? Let’s find out.

1a

Zippy and George are drawing occult symbols on paper and giving us an ‘as you know’ speech:

Zippy: “As you know, it’s nearly Christmas.”

George: “Yes. Geoffrey and Bungle are up in the loft, looking for our Christmas decorations, which I am also aware of.”

Zippy. I too am aware of that. Are you also aware that they are taking an unusually long time finding our Christmas decorations, which they are looking for on account of how it’s nearly Christmas?”

Wait, those occult symbols are actually their Christmas lists. I assume, then, that this is one of those episodes where Zippy and George aren’t old enough to write, but Bungle is somehow old enough to dick about in the loft with Geoffrey.

2

It also transpires that Bungle put the decorations back in the loft last year, all on his own. I’ve given up trying to figure out how old Bungle is. 37?

The point is that Bungle has somehow lost the Christmas decorations. “I can’t remember where I put them!” he tells Geoffrey. Can we all agree that none of us would really be surprised to discover he stuck them all up his arse.

A rare view of the Rainbow staircase, which looks dangerous, not to mention overgrown:

3

Geoffrey announces that the Christmas decorations have fucking vanished, and that Christmas is cancelled. George suggests that they could make some Christmas decorations. I suggest that this was all an elaborate plot device. The producers probably hid the Christmas decorations so the gang would be forced to make their own, and it would make for interesting TV. That’s assuming, of course, that Rainbow was some weird Big Brother prototype, rather than a show for 3 year olds.

Bungle gets to work straight away:

4

Can you guess what the hell Bungle is doing?

“I’m pretending to be a Christmas tree!” he yells, with the hint of mania you’d expect from someone pretending to be a Christmas tree.

Fucking good job Bungle. Just one thing – if this is your contribution to the decorations, does this mean that you are now the actual Christmas tree? As in, you’re going to stand like that until early January? You haven’t thought this through.

Meanwhile, George has cut some holes in the Daily Express.

5

Even better – apparently Geoffrey did that for him. Geoffrey, you’re so good.

Anyway, what I want to talk about is this:

6

This is Zippy’s banana snowman, which we can all agree is a genius idea. The others all laugh at him for this; Bungle actually goes as far as to say it’s the silliest thing he’s ever seen, thus proving beyond any doubt that Bungle has never looked in a mirror.

Speaking of which – while all this has been going on, has Bungle been standing in the corner, stubbornly refusing to stop being a Christmas tree?

Later on, Geoffrey is painting that loo roll Christmas tree thing like he’s Bob Ross. I want to know who did that painting of Zippy in a hat.

7

The doorbell goes.

“Bungle, get the door!”

“I can’t, I’m only 3, I can’t reach the door handle. And anyway, it might be a stranger.”

“For God’s sake Bungle, we’ve just had this conversation. You’re 37. Anyway, if it is a stranger at the door, then I feel sorry for the stranger. Now get the door.”

Oh look it’s their friend John, who just happens to have popped round with a load of old newspapers.

8

John tells them a story about (would you believe it) making your own Christmas decorations, and he makes them a paper bell garland thing, which shits all over George’s snowflakes covered in headlines about Diana.

9

Then John just sort of goes away. That’s a shame, I like John. Anyway, George reminds everyone that they’re going to be late for their “carol singing with Rod Jane and Freddy”.

He’s right, because we immediately cut to Rod Jane and Freddy doing a song without them. They are all Victorian. Maybe they’re all in a coma and this is a weird Rainbow/Life on Mars crossover, where they sell chestnuts instead of being the rozzers.

10

Hey, Freddy looks like he can do that weird thing with his hands where your fingers bend backwards. I can do that – I wonder if we’re related?

Ok, credit to them, the living room does look awesome now, although it would look better with a fat, passive aggressive Christmas tree.

11

Right, are you ready for the biggest ‘fucking what’ moment of your life?

The only thing missing, as George points out, is a fairy for the top of the Christmas tree (I assume they mean Geoffrey’s Bob Ross loo roll thing).

No problem, says Geoffrey, let’s just magic one out of thin air using Sooty’s magic wand!

12

As you can see, Freddy’s just had the ‘fucking what’ moment.

WHY DIDN’T THEY JUST USE THAT FUCKING MAGIC WAND TO MAKE SOME DECORATIONS THAT AREN’T SHIT? OR TO FIND THEIR OLD DECORATIONS? OR TO MAKE BUNGLE GO AWAY?

Facepalms all round.

13

Zippy has a sly go with the magic wand, and accidentally turns himself into a Christmas fairy.

14

“That’ll learn you,” says Geoffrey. “How many times do I have to tell you not to mess about with the occult.”

How they laugh.

I’m going to go lie in a dark room now.

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