Since next week is the annual tossfest known as Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d write about the one where Zippy has a crush on a woman and wants to have sex with her.
It isn’t only humans who enjoy the act of mashing genitals together then crying – puppets do too. I’m not sure how the mechanics of it would work, since Zippy appears to stop at the waist. However, this might just be a common misconception. For all we know, this could be Zippy any time he steps out from behind the table:
The point is that he wants to have sex with a human woman, and this episode explores the conflicting emotions created by a one sided human/puppet romance.
It also teaches the young me that it’s ok to have a crush on Fred Savage from The Wonder Years, and that it’s ok to write to him even if your big sister says your letter’s crap and he’ll hate it.
As a bonus, we get Rod being extra suave.
We begin with Zippy watching the object of his affection – Debbie off Children’s ITV. My first thought was ‘why is one of his hands under the table’, but then I remembered he’s only got one arm. Crisis averted, and now I’m ashamed of myself.
Debbie and the other one (Roger?) are showing off the drawings sent in by viewers. Zippy starts shouting at the TV, calling all the pictures “shit”. Exactly why he thinks 6 year old Timmy’s picture of a cat is a threat to his chances with Debbie is never explained. Zippy also hates Roger, and is convinced he’ll be boning Debbie as soon as they cut to Rosie & Jim.
Bungle comes in and turns the TV off without asking, the fat hairy fuck.
“Bungle I was watching that! Turn it back on!”
“No I want to play a game!”
“All right then, let’s play that game where I pull all the hair out of your crotch.”
Later on, Zippy’s making a card for Debbie, which he’s going to send in to Children’s ITV. Only Debbie is allowed to read it out – it’s got a special chemical on it that means if Roger touches it, he dies. Geoffrey thinks this is a smashing idea.
Zippy’s also written a poem for Debbie:
“My darling Debbie,
I’m glad you’re not plebby,
Not like that Jane
Who’s knocking off Freddy.”
Geoffrey helps him write it down and they get it ready to post, stopping only to include some of Geoffrey’s pubes because “he had some spare”.
Imagine feeling all romantic, and wanting to be in bed with the woman of your dreams, and instead you have to put up with this:
Bungle discovers that Zippy’s been keeping this in the bed:
Later on we’ll find out he’s also been making a life size effigy of Debbie using toenail clippings and soap. It’s a slow process, as I don’t think he has toenails.
Anyway, this leads to a session of general ribbing:
“Zippy’s in love!”
“Zippy’s a stalker!”
“Come on Zippy, what have you done with the body?”
When they get bored with that they instantly go to sleep, leaving Zippy to have a dream about Debbie.
In the dream, Debbie sits there like a North Korean propaganda machine, telling Zippy he’s wonderful. Zippy replies “Yes, I know,” making him the natural choice to take over when Jeremy Kyle retires.
My god, can you imagine that.
A few days later, Debbie’s reading Zippy’s poem out on TV!
But that’s old news, because now Zippy’s writing a song for her. I’ll be honest, it’s not very good. Songs normally have tunes.
Zippy’s going to need some help with this song. If only he knew some songwriters who lived in his kitchen.
Jane still looks mad about that poem he wrote.
As luck would have it, Rod, Jane and Freddy are able to instantly come up with a fully produced song, complete with Casio keyboard backing track.
I promised you Rod looking suave:
The next day, Geoffrey calls Zippy, George and Bungle into the living room. Whatever for?
Incidentally, I paused it on this bit that looks like Geoffrey has his balls out for no reason.
Geoffrey’s got a surprise for them (not his balls). Zippy’s not listening; he’s pissed off because Debbie’s not on TV at the moment, so he’ll have to fall back on that sock puppet he made of her. He launches into a heartfelt monologue about how Debbie would totally drop her knickers for him if she met him.
“You’d all see – she’d think I was wonderful…”
“…and I’d be so handsome, and strong, and I’d talk to her, and…”
Oh, spoiler alert – Geoffrey’s arranged for Debbie to come round and meet Zippy.
Zippy’s reaction is 100% understandable. Way to go ruining his chances Geoffrey, you insensitive prick. When Zippy talked about meeting her, I assume he meant in a cocktail bar, with him being some James Bond type in a suit. Not as an act of charity, and especially not with Bungle looking on. The only thing that would make her less likely to go out with him now is if he was wearing a big badge with ‘COMPETITION WINNER’ written on it.
Bungle puts the final nail in the coffin by actively pointing and laughing at Zippy. Zippy – if you didn’t pull Bungle’s pubes out before, I strongly urge you to do so now.
But Debbie saves the day by saying “Just ignore that fat wheelbarrow of failure Zippy, no one likes him and he’ll die a virgin.” That’ll learn him.
Zippy gets it together enough to be able to sing his song for Debbie, which is a lot better since Rod’s intervention. And then, in a final mindfuck, Debbie invites Zippy onto Children’s ITV with her, and Zippy goes mental at the thought of getting to be on TV. This is despite the fact that he’s on TV five days a week.
To reinforce this point, we get to see a bit of Zippy presenting Children’s ITV with Debbie, where he says – “Don’t forget to watch me in Rainbow!” There is an advert for Zippy’s show behind Debbie. I don’t know what to believe any more.
Also, I never did send that letter to Fred Savage. I mean, I could do now, but it would be a bit weird and I don’t really want to.