Rainbow episode review: I’m sorry I haven’t a clue

In today’s episode, Bungle and Geoffrey get married and have a baby. There’s probably some other bit of plot, but like that matters.

Geoffrey explains that they’ve all agreed to do Zippy’s bidding today. Only Freddy looks suitably worried about this.

Also, ignore the title of the episode if you don’t want spoilers for later. If you read the title accidentally, go back and look at the picture again, only this time don’t read the title.


Instead of making them go round Lidl naked, Zippy’s just ordered them to act out a ‘mystery story’. The man has no vision.

Geoffrey’s pleased because he’s going to play the king. This means he’s the best.

Look at him. Look how best he is.


“And I’m going to be the maid…”

“And I’m going to be the miller…”

“And what the fuck am I supposed to be in this dress?”


“That’s your punishment for putting that pint of beer next to me and going “Hey look lads, Zippy’s legless!”

Now it’s time for the story to begin. Bungle (in a different dress for some reason) is having one of those ‘Jesus Christ, I could have been ‘Corpse #2′ in The Bill by now’ moments.


Now then. Once upon a time, there was a miller, and he had a beautiful daughter, who was also a bear. The miller’s daughter was having an existential crisis. But when the miller met the king, he decided this wasn’t that impressive. Instead, he lied and said his depressed bear daughter could spin straw into gold.

“Fuck off with that,” said the king.

“I’m serious,” said the miller. “And she can turn pubes into that diamonique stuff you get on QVC.”


The king sent for the miller’s daughter. He took her to a room full of straw, and that top thing. The miller’s daughter didn’t yet understand that she could sit on a chair without flashing her huge bear fanny.


“Right, here’s the deal miller’s daughter. You have 8 hours to spin this straw into gold. Events occur in real time.”


Will the miller’s daughter be able to spin the straw in time?

A: Yes

B: No, because she’s Bungle

C: No, because Rod lied like a big nice-haired liar

The answer will be revealed shortly.

Suddenly, a tiny magic guy who is in no way affiliated with Zippy appears.


“Right Bungle, I’ll spin the straw into gold if you promise to stop trying to get ‘Ten Green Bottles’ going in bed.”

“I’m not Bungle, I’m the miller’s daughter.”

“And if you promise to stop lying about being the miller’s daughter.”

“Fuck you tiny Zippy, I’m not selling out my integrity.”

“Fine, enjoy getting bummed by Geoffrey in the morning.”


“If you don’t spin the straw into gold for me, I’ll stuff you somewhere, and I don’t mean the Ritz.”

Tiny Zippy spins the straw into gold.

Repeat the previous sequence x 3,000,000.

The next day, the king says “Right, this is the last lot of straw, I promise. If you do this last bit, I’ll marry you and have sex with you and stuff.”

Meanwhile, Geoffrey realises what he’s just said.


Tiny Zippy agrees to spin the straw into gold, if Bungle will give him whatever type of baby pops out as a result of his union with Geoffrey. Bungle agrees, knowing he’s on the pill.

A week later, Bungle has a kid. Turns out the pill doesn’t work on men in bear suits who have sex with Geoffrey.


Tiny Zippy comes back. “Give me whatever that is you’ve shat out of your fanny.”

“No. I’ve suddenly decided I like being a mother. Can I give you the cash value instead?”

“Fuck off, I want the kid. I need someone who can get served for ciggies.”

“Well you’re not having my baby.”

“Fine. If you can guess my name, I won’t take your baby. But if you can’t, I’ll…”

“You’ll do what? I’m 837 times the size of you.”

“Just fucking agree.”


All the staff spent the next few days trying to guess Tiny Zippy’s name.


“Is it Batman?”

“Is it L’aquwanashida’la?”

“Is it Bungle?” “Shut up Bungle, you’re not helping.”

Those were the only three names they could think of. Since they only had one more day to guess Tiny Zippy’s name, they decided to send Jane out to spy on him, on the off chance he’d just happen to be singing a song to himself, all about what his name is.

As luck would have it –


When Tiny Zippy turned up the next day, everyone was prepared.

“Well? This is your last chance. What’s my name?”


“What? No you fucking idiots. Right I’m having that kid off you.”

But when tiny Zippy tried to steal the baby, he found that he couldn’t even get his arms round its head, so had no way of stealing it, as he hadn’t thought to bring a crane. He also discovered that the baby was annoying and disapproved of smoking, so wouldn’t go to the shop for his Mayfair Superkings.


“Fine,” said Tiny Zippy. “I’ll just have to resort to me and my brothers in a big coat, as fucking usual.”


I’ll leave you with a bonus screenshot, in which Jane can’t figure out how to work a spinning top, and Freddy’s daring the others to laugh at his woollen hair.


3 thoughts on “Rainbow episode review: I’m sorry I haven’t a clue

  1. I am doing what I can to publicise these mesmerising reviews, next to which the rest of the internet is all dust and ashes. What a furry waste of oxygen Bungle is, really. Who on earth even gave him a job?



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