Are you annoyed? No? Don’t worry, I can help with that. If you fancy getting just the right amount of annoyed (for example, if you want to be able to kick something quite hard), then take a look at this list. Also contains solutions, for when you want to stop being annoyed. I’ve tried them, but to be honest they don’t work and I mostly just end up being annoyed until I fall asleep.
1: Slow motion eating in adverts
I do not want to see that food go in your mouth, and mix with your spit and probably last night’s jizz. Normal people eat at 360mph – start doing that instead please.
Solution: Watch the advert on fast forward. Watch all the other adverts on fast forward too, because they’re mostly shit.
2: Getting a hair on you and you can’t get it off
This normally occurs when you’re doing something that requires not having a stray hair floating about, such as the washing up, or open heart surgery.
Solution: Shave your head and entire body.
3: Seeing a ‘bit’ on the carpet when you’re trying to watch TV
And you just know that you won’t be able to concentrate on ‘Celebrity Anal Vasectomies’ until you’ve picked the bit up.
Solution: Move house. Try to get somewhere without floors next time.
4: Someone saying “It’s ok” after you apologise even though THEY bumped into YOU.
Making you immediately start questioning what just happened. Did you actually bump into them? What if… oh wait no, they’re still just a fat ignorant dick who’s pulled you into their gravitational orbit.
Solution: Kick them up the arse. Wait for them to apologise. Bonus points if you make them drop their shopping.
5: Only strawberry ones left in a tub of Quality Street
This is assuming you don’t know any of those freaks who like the strawberry ones.
Solution: There’s actually quite a decent recipe to try when you have this problem:
Put all unused chocolates in a blender (unwrap them first you fucking idiot)
Add 1 cup milk, ½ cup cocoa powder (unsweetened)
Blend for 30 seconds
Throw the mix down the sink, and have a Wispa.
6: Jeans are too tight because you’ve just taken them out of the dryer
Bonus annoying thing: all the metal bits are hotter than the sun.
Solution: Don’t wash your jeans. What the fuck are you washing your jeans for anyway? Who do you think you are, the Queen?
7: People saying “Feel free to…”
As in “Feel free to check out my shit blog that no one wants to read anyway, and which would only benefit me and not you.” Thanks, because otherwise I might not have felt welcome over at your shit blog.
I realise being mad at other people for having a shit blog is hypocrisy on my part.
Anyway – “feel free to do me this favour that doesn’t benefit you in any way.”
Solution: Ask them at least 10 times: “Are you sure it’s ok if I read your shit blog? Are you sure you’re sure?” Ask them another 20 times just to be extra sure.
8: Clickbait that doesn’t contain the thing in the advert
I realise this is most clickbait, and that it’s my fault for bothering, but it’s especially bad when I attempt to read a thought-provoking piece like “7 celebrities who had their skulls removed for charity”, only to discover I’m actually reading “Red hot women in Dudley want to fuck you now.” They really don’t.
Solution: Meet up with one of the red hot women from Dudley, and see what she has to say for herself. Don’t let her off the hook until she can name “7 celebrities who’ve had their skulls removed for charity”.
9: People standing too close to you
Normally found in queues, crowds, and wherever the fuck I choose to stand. Not sure if these people are trying to steal my DNA. They normally smell and are called Alan.
Solution: Start scratching yourself and shout “Those bastard fleas are back!” Alternatively, start a small fire.
People having ‘fun’ on TV that’s no such thing. It isn’t fun to keep your arms above your head for hours at a time, unless you’re training for Gladiators.
See also: splashing each other’s eyes in a pool, laughing hysterically while looking at a shoe, fucking Salsa fucking lessons.
Solution: Try not to have any fun ever. And if you see those women doing that arm dance, aim the fire extinguisher at them.