I found this photo today, of the bedroom I had when I was 5:

It’s a much better bedroom than the one I currently have, which is full of Alex’s pants.

Because the alternative is sitting here scratching myself, I’m going to examine what made this bedroom so great. And then I’m going to sit here scratching myself.

Bluebird Market Stall

This was my main present the Christmas before. On one side was a fruit and veg stall, full of quality produce at low low prices; on the other side was ‘Hamburger Heaven’, a fast food joint. No one ever phoned me on that phone.

I loved this to death, but clearly I could have taken better care of it. Seriously, what kind of quality produce emporium has the roof missing? I’d also lost all the quality produce by this point, leaving me to terrorise my family into buying some stones I’d found on the drive outside.

Care Bears wallpaper

Because I was a girl, I had fucking girly wallpaper. This was later to be replaced with ‘Victoria Plum’ and ‘Snatch’ décor, until I was a teenager, and decorated my room with old cereal bowls, Radiohead posters and the smell of misery.

Rainbow poster

Of course. Of fucking course. This came free with Rainbow Comic, and features Detective Zippy, The Great Georgio, and a terrifying Bungle with muscles.

Books

At least half of these will be Rainbow annuals. Non-Rainbow fare includes these two:

And countless ‘Read It Yourself’ and Puddle Lane books. My parents never minded buying me books – because I was good at reading for my age, they were convinced I was some kind of super genius. I soon proved them wrong.

Soft toys

I had billions of these, thanks to our seemingly never-ending holidays to Ingoldmells, Scarborough or similar. My dad was brilliant at grab machines, so we always came home with 37,000 knock off teddies that were probably full of nails and gas. Of particular note is the phallic Mickey Mouse on the right. There are also a couple of Pink Panther knock-offs with beards.

And speaking of knock-offs…

Bin

Some kind of Dusty Bin/Ninja Turtles hybrid. I think my mum won this at the Telly Bingo. This probably wasn’t her first choice of prize, but I was obsessed with Turtles at the time, so I’m guessing I threatened to shit on the floor or something unless she got me it.

As an adult, I can see that the poor thing’s eyes are glued to the outside of its headband.