I’m not well. For the last couple of days I’ve been getting around by dragging myself along the floor. My bones and joints appear to have had a trade union meeting, and have decided they’re sick of working for me. My best guess is I’ve picked something up from one of the old dears in Tesco; this will be confirmed if I start going round telling people I’m 89.
Given this, I thought I’d write about the episode where Zippy catches the plague.
He knows he’s got the plague because he Googled it, and found a forum where a man said he definitely had either the plague or menopause. The only person he could have caught menopause from is Bungle, but since he routinely sprays antibacterial spray on Bungle, he doubts this.
Oh sod it, let’s go with menopause, because I keep spelling ‘plague’ as ‘plauge’ and I’m too ill to keep going back and checking it.
Whatever, Zippy’s in bed. Presumably Bungle and George aren’t allowed to share the bed with him at the moment, on account of how they might catch menopause. Don’t worry – there are loads of places they can sleep, like the dance studio or the spaceship they somehow own.
Geoffrey comes in. “Look Zippy, I’ve brought you some slop,” he says.
“Stick it up your arse,” says Zippy. “Look at the state of me.”
“Tell you what,” says Geoffrey. “I’ll ask Bungle and George to come up and see you! That’ll cheer you up!”
“Will it now,” says Zippy.
Zippy doesn’t want to see Bungle and George. He uses his hideous appearance as an excuse, but Geoffrey can see right through that.
“Don’t give me that Zippy, we both know Bungle’s blind, and George doesn’t have pupils, so neither of them will see you.”
Meanwhile, George and Bungle are making a Get Well Soon card for Zippy. The state of it:
This next bit. You know how Bungle’s a dick? Watch him, against all the odds, be even more of a dick than usual:
He ruins George’s minutes of work by adding ‘hilarious’ menopause measles to Zippy.
Let’s brainstorm and come up with a suitable punishment for Bungle:
1: Trampled by cows
2: Handcuff him to someone with really loud snotty breathing
3: Wax his shoulder flap
Later on, Bungle and George visit Zippy, as threatened. They keep their distance, unwilling to risk catching menopause. Although, thinking about it, if they wanted to get closer they’d have to actually get into bed with him, and why would they do that. Also, “b”.
They’ve made him a new card, and they’ve replaced the menopause measles with ‘worrying eye disease’.
Zippy sulks at them until they leave, them immediately regrets it. Mood swings are a well known symptom of menopause.
Downstairs, Bungle leaves a cupboard door slightly ajar. Geoffrey walks into the cupboard door (quite slowly), and the resulting injury is so catastrophic he starts limping and has to sit down. Also his arm disappears.
Geoffrey has a go at Bungle, and Bungle runs off to the kitchen like a big drama queen. I hope he doesn’t start rage-baking.
Everything’s certainly going to bollocks today:
– Zippy has the plague/menopause/cystitis and will surely die
– Geoffrey is lame
But don’t worry, because Geoffrey has a plan. Actually, he has two plans. The first plan involves bringing the TV upstairs and balancing it precariously on the shelf.
“I wonder what’s on,” says Zippy. I don’t.
Oh look it’s Jane, staggering round trying to find her way home after a banging night out in Doncaster.
This cheers Zippy up slightly, because at least he’s not in Doncaster. However, he still has one leg in the pit of despair caused by his spots. As we learned earlier, Zippy’s main problem with being ill is that he looks weird. He’s convinced no one wants to be around him because he’s all spotty. What’s to be done?
Time for Geoffrey’s second plan!
Is he taking the piss?
Oh look, they’re all taking the piss.
This cheers Zippy up instead of giving him a complex, so I suppose it’s ok. Although can you imagine if he was in bed with severe depression and they all decided to start acting depressed “to cheer him up”? That would be a good episode.
Anyway, that’s the end. I’m going to stop now because my limbs are hurting. If anyone would like to bring me a cup of tea, that would be nice.