More so than ever, the world is just a bunch of people going around saying things without giving a second thought to what they mean. My dislike of words is widely documented across the world wide internet. Googling my name and the word “words” yields endless results, all of which are me ranting like a drunk racist at a darts match.
(editor’s note: darts is ace. Slag off darts again and I’ll cut you)
It’s true that the internet is made up of people knowing they’re talking shite but doing so regardless. Alas, these people are not my issue. Truth be told, I only really use the internet for two things and both of them involve pornography. Online shit-posting has never bothered me because its sole purpose is to wind somebody up; however, the phrases mentioned here are supposed to be well-meaning advice. When someone compares you to Hitler because you haven’t completed the new Batman game, they’re just trying to sand your ass crack. When someone tells you to “follow your passion”, they’re making assumptions about your life, your responsibilities and your happiness.
I often find it difficult to keep my mouth shut when someone says something stupid (call me old fashioned). And while this goes a long way to help explain why I’m unemployed and have no friends, I believe such outbursts are necessary in order to facilitate a better world. Good intentions are all well and good, but at some point good intentions turned into ridiculous out-of-context fairytale phrases which, for some reason, people often still take as gospel.
1. Age is just a number
Age is just a number? No shit, dickhead – so is the speed limit. So is the legal age of drinking. Do you know why there’s an age limit on drinking? Because giving whiskey to three year olds would probably kill them. There is nothing on this earth which is “just a number”, because things are numbered for a reason. Saying that age is just a number means you are perfectly happy for a four year old to operate power tools. Sure, it says ages 18+ on the packaging but if age is just a number, who cares?
The phrase is used exclusively by two types of people: 1) middle aged cougars who have slept with someone thirty years their junior and 2) paedophiles. If you’ve ever used the term “age is just a number”, ask yourself: which one are you?
2. We did all this [unsafe shit] as kids and we turned out fine!
This is one I see posted on social media by people who want to passively aggressively imply that children are lazy little shits who need to stop playing video games. While I don’t disagree, there are more apt ways of doing so than posting a black and white photo of some kids eating worms out of a can with a caption that says “we used to eat all sorts of random shit we found in bins when we were kids and we’re still alive!”
Of course, this is only one variation. There are many others:
“Remember when we used to snort ants and then see how long we could hang on to the back of trucks for?”
“Kids these days don’t know the simple pleasures of somersaulting off garage roofs onto concrete.”
While there are nuggets to truth to this bullshit, I don’t suppose the kids who died eating burnt rubber from a skip will be weighing in anytime soon.
3. Find a man who treats you like a queen
Notorious ladies’ man Henry VIII treated his women just like queens. In fact, they were queens. He had six of them in total, two of which he had executed, all of which he treated like shit.
People who coin quotes about relationships aren’t often known for their historical accuracies. Henry VIII aside, most kings treated their queens like total shit. In fact, I can’t think of a single queen who doesn’t get shit on for being useless. Anyway, this quote is used by young girls who don’t know what a queen is and don’t have the brain capacity to understand that idolisation from a partner leads to delusion, unhappiness and a skewed perception of reality.
Without the realisation that every human is flawed, our mental growth stagnates. One’s ignorance of their stupidity is the only barometer a person has to gauge intelligence. The only true sign of intelligence is being aware that on a whole, we’re all quite stupid. I personally believe myself to be well-versed in the realms of books, crime and erotic art – but I’m fully aware that I’ll never know everything there is to know on these subjects. I embrace this, and I believe it grounds me more than idolisation from someone ever would.
(If any women reading this want to get in touch then disregard all of the above.)
4. You can achieve anything if you put your mind to it
To me, this phrase feels like a teacher addressing the most privileged kid in the class, except he has to say it to the whole class so the other kids don’t cry. I do believe that, within reason, you can achieve most things you set out to.
Providing you’re: rich, privileged, well-connected, young, naturally gifted, have few responsibilities, willing to make sacrifices regarding your personal life, have a support net in case things go wrong, etc.
5. The customer is always right
What this is saying is that if you complain enough you will eventually be rewarded. Is it any surprise the world is full of adult cry babies who break down in tears when things don’t go their way?
6. A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet
In 1930, Albert Fish befriended the family of a 10-year-old girl under the pretense of looking after her. Several weeks later, he cut off her limbs and used them to make stew. In the late 1970s, Peter Sutcliffe stabbed a woman with such force that her intestines exploded from her stomach like something HR Giger would see if he took acid. In 2006, Colin Ireland met men in bars and took them home and – you guessed it – set fire to their testicles and suffocated them with a carrier bag.
All of these victims, before their no doubt painful and undignified demise, assumed their killers to be strangers they could trust. They weren’t. They were serial murdering sexual sadists who liked to strangle, suffocate, cannibalise and insert DIY implements into women’s vaginas. Saying that all strangers have the potential to be your friend not only says that you live in a world run by fairies, but is also very insulting to anyone who has had similarly bad experiences.
The worst thing is that this saying doesn’t even require that much thought in order to ascertain its bullshitery. For example, I’ve never met my miserably elderly neighbour who sometimes throws dog shit over my fence, but I can conclude with very little effort that we probably wouldn’t be good friends. I’ve never met Charles Manson but I reckon we wouldn’t get on very well either. Stop trying to be friends with everyone, and just be lonely and grouchy all the time like me.
7. You just have to find your passion
Unfortunately, most people don’t have one. Most people will go through life without ever really finding anything they’re good at, let alone finding their “passion”.
The truth is that “passion” is one of those words which has transcended definition. It’s a word like “compulsion” which people basically use in order to justify doing something they shouldn’t have. You might have had a “compulsion” to buy the X-Files boxset and watch every episode instead of going to work. Maybe your “passion” is playing video games while you eat Pringles out of the can. Good luck paying your bills with that. These are both stupid, fairytale words which people believe will magically afford them a career – if they can just find out what it is.
8. Money can’t buy happiness
I’m sure there are people out there who are happy and poor, however I’ve never seen anyone cry in a Jacuzzi.
9. Respect your elders
Charles Manson, 82 – cult leader
Ian Brady, 79 – child murderer
Bradford Bishop, 80 – currently on FBI’s Most Wanted List
Rupert Murdoch, 86 – asshole
Robert Durst, 73 – murderer, possible serial killer
It irritates me when people show respect to the elderly simply because they’re still alive. Old people don’t magically become lovable the moment they become old. If a person is miserable, shitty and evil when they’re middle aged, chances are they’re going to be the same when they’re old.
Age can only be a barometer for levels of respect if you’ve used your lifespan to become a better person. If you haven’t figured out how to be happy by the time you’ve reached 70 then you probably never will. Old people should be shot at birth.
More of Joe and his world-hating shit can be found at foulentertainment.com.