Rainbow episode review: I’ll cut you

Are you cross? I am. I’m cross because I’ve just seen that Oral B advert, featuring a woman who has more teeth than IQ points.

Anyway, this episode is called ‘Cross’, and is about other people pissing you off by doing things like existing. Maybe they all snap and kill each other, and all the later episodes have just been my imagination. I guess we’ll soon find out.

George is singing some song. I don’t know what song it is because I got distracted. Let’s assume, for argument’s sake, that he’s singing the theme tune to Minder.

1

Zippy comes in and immediately starts tearing George a new one. “That’s my song, you fucking song stealing fuck,” he yells. I don’t remember Zippy writing the theme tune to Minder. Neither does George judging by the look of confusion on his face.

Fucking hell, Geoffrey’s about 3 in this one. From his expression, I think Jane’s just come into the room with her tits out. Meanwhile, Bungle’s doing that face again where he’s just realised he’s Bungle for a living.

geoff bungle

No one knows why Zippy’s in a steroid-induced rage. After ranting a bit more, he goes away, only to immediately spring back up, making Geoffrey and Bungle shit themselves.

zippy rage

“AND ANOTHER THING – WHY IS VERNON KAY?”

The other three have a big discussion about getting cross, and why it’s not ok to kill people, but it is ok to go off and sulk for a bit.

Bungle says “I make people cross sometimes.” Geoffrey is thinking ‘If by ‘sometimes’ you mean all the fucking time ever.’

“Don’t say anything Geoff, just keep smiling. Don’t punch him in his stupid face. You can always take that job as a turkey fluffer if it gets too bad…”

keep smiling

Also, I think Bungle’s just noticed Jane standing there.

Next we have a song from… fucking hell, Rod, Jane and Roger. No wonder Geoffrey looks about 3.

roger

Jane: “And Bungle didn’t even notice I had my tits out for ten minutes!”

Rod: “Whoa.”

Roger: “Oh no I’ve just remembered I’m going to be in Eldorado.”

Zippy comes back in. He doesn’t appear to be in a rage any more. However, judging by the others’ reactions, I think he’s just called Bungle a ‘blithering cunt’.

cunt

So far, a grand total of fuck all has happened in this episode. They haven’t even moved away from that table. This is a far cry from the lavish location shots and intricate story arcs of later episodes.

Seriously, why are they all still just standing around that table? They’ve been standing there for six hours straight. Don’t any of them need a piss?

stood around

In keeping with the theme of ‘nothing interesting is ever going to happen in this episode’, they continue to stand there. They sing a song about currant buns. Obviously, they should have sung the ‘hot cross buns’ song, or ‘Smack my bitch up’.

Well, what have we learned today? Fucking nothing, that’s what, except maybe that this episode was a waste of time. Shame on you all. Now I really am cross.

Update: 40 years later, they’re still stood round that table. Geoffrey nearly went for a piss in 1998 but then didn’t.

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