Personally, I love being told what to do every single fucking month. I find myself enjoying Veganuary so much I forget to look forward to Stoptober.

I’ve compiled a list of all the upcoming rhyming charity shit for next year, so you can live through this hell with me. Mark these in your diary.

Tamponuary

Everyone has to wear white and ride a horse. Other than that, no idea what you do. Something to do with women’s shit presumably.

Plebuary

Everyone spends the month doing things they consider beneath them, such as not reading the Guardian. Bonus points if you can prove you have a ‘working class friend’.

Eat Starch for March

Eat some chips. Question mark profit. At least you care, not like those ignorant people.

Yaypril

Everyone decides to stop having clinical depression for the month, and to snap out of it. They then do fun things like raising their arms.

Gay for Pay for May

Self-explanatory. All proceeds go towards biscuits.

Watch Boon for June

You know the one with Michael Elphick in it? That. Raises awareness of something or other. Or you could watch Home To Roost, that was pretty good too.

Duel-y

All global conflicts must be settled by beating Shadow at Duel. Of course, we all remember last year’s controversy, when Shadow faced the U.N., who were disqualified because they couldn’t all fit on the podium.

Whoregust

Everyone rents out their genitals. Car boot sales are fun during this month.

Kleptember

Everyone must steal a minimum of 10 items. Stealing big items gets you extra points. So, for example, you won’t raise much awareness by stealing a ring pull, but you will by stealing a museum. Everyone on Twitter will call you an ‘inspiration’.

Cock-blocktober

Nobody gets any until Bonfire Night. That’ll learn you. You should have gone to the car boot sales two months ago. Raises awareness of the fact that Nice Guys are owed sex in return for lending you a pen.

NOvember

You know that thing you like doing? Stop it. No one’s allowed to do anything.

Dickember

To raise awareness of men having dicks, all men are encouraged to walk round with their dicks out. If you call it a ‘willy’ you are disqualified. If you don’t have a dick (for example, because you’re a woman), you can borrow one from a neighbour. Thinking about it, this might be a real one.