The weird world of Gladiators merchandise

Gladiators is one of my favourite shows, but it’s never really occurred to me to have a look at the various cash-in tat on offer. This is because I’ve been too busy Ebaying Kwik Save carrier bags with the handles missing.

My god, where have I been? I should have known that a show about men in bras kicking each other in the bollocks would have spawned a wide and fascinating array of merchandise. And even better, some of it manages to not be about Jet.

Customer ready? 3… 2… 1…

3D glasses, for seeing in 3D

Advertised on this box:

Which could be Shadow, or it could be Barry Manilow for all it looks like Shadow.

For viewing the following picture:

If you don’t own the SPECIAL GLADIATORS 3D GLASSES, then save the image for when you run out of booze. It’s grrreat!

Saracen badge

“Saracen: the ultimate challenge”. Buy this for your woman if she survived getting bummed by Saracen.

A Shadow badge is available, but no one ever survives getting bummed by Shadow.

SHAKABOOM

Hunter did a single! It’s probably shit, I haven’t listened to it yet.

UPDATE: I’ve listened to it now. It’s still probably shit.

Jet poster

Can you smell the jizz in this room.

Gladiators comic

Drawn by a madman, and written by someone who wants all the Gladiators to have tits and die. Jet can literally fly. Flame is literally on fire. I can’t imagine she’s happy about that. Also, why are things always ‘100% official’? Why are they never ‘80% official’?

There seems to have been a change of artist between issues 1 and 2: we go from ‘realistic-but-on-fire’ to ‘Robert Crumb after 6 bottles of Calpol’.

Jet bubble bath

Supposed to be generic Gladiators bubble bath, but come on, let’s be realistic here. There’s a picture of Jet on it, so teenage boys will buy it. Anything that will encourage teenage boys to have a bath is good I guess.

‘Paint your own’ figures

Jet looks like she’s been on the hobnobs. Wolf is trying to do a really difficult poo. They’re all getting bummed by their own ghosts.

Lady Gladiator figure

Sold on Ebay with the implication that, for 20p, the lady Gladiator will assume this pose for you.

Gladiators mega fun board game

All the fun of Gladiators with none of the fun of Gladiators.

See also: Play-along-at-home Game Book

and the Gladiators card matching game

Gladiators lorry

For ferrying illegal Gladiators, like Nitro, into the country. Bit of a giveaway having ‘Gladiators’ written on the side though. Should say ‘boring tools and pipes’.

 

Gladiators Fact File

Featuring the following facts:

– Jet is the best one

– Shadow and Warrior got done for stuff

– Flame and Hawk exist

– Jet can fit a whole Budweiser bottle in her mouth

– Jet “really loves having sex with sweaty virgins”

Action cards

Another outstanding Frosties prize. Why is Scorpio clinging on to a snake?

‘I Don’t Know’ by Diane Youdale

I haven’t listened to this, so I’ve guessed at the lyrics:

“I don’t know the square root of Pi,

I don’t know the life cycle of a fly,

But I do know…

JET IS THE BEST

JET JET JET JET

JET JET JET JET

SEE MY MIGHTY TITS

JET IS THE BEST

JET JET JET JET

JET JET JET JET”