Gladiators is one of my favourite shows, but it’s never really occurred to me to have a look at the various cash-in tat on offer. This is because I’ve been too busy Ebaying Kwik Save carrier bags with the handles missing.
My god, where have I been? I should have known that a show about men in bras kicking each other in the bollocks would have spawned a wide and fascinating array of merchandise. And even better, some of it manages to not be about Jet.
Customer ready? 3… 2… 1…
3D glasses, for seeing in 3D
Advertised on this box:
Which could be Shadow, or it could be Barry Manilow for all it looks like Shadow.
For viewing the following picture:
If you don’t own the SPECIAL GLADIATORS 3D GLASSES, then save the image for when you run out of booze. It’s grrreat!
Saracen badge
“Saracen: the ultimate challenge”. Buy this for your woman if she survived getting bummed by Saracen.
A Shadow badge is available, but no one ever survives getting bummed by Shadow.
SHAKABOOM
Hunter did a single! It’s probably shit, I haven’t listened to it yet.
UPDATE: I’ve listened to it now. It’s still probably shit.
Jet poster
Can you smell the jizz in this room.
Gladiators comic
Drawn by a madman, and written by someone who wants all the Gladiators to have tits and die. Jet can literally fly. Flame is literally on fire. I can’t imagine she’s happy about that. Also, why are things always ‘100% official’? Why are they never ‘80% official’?
There seems to have been a change of artist between issues 1 and 2: we go from ‘realistic-but-on-fire’ to ‘Robert Crumb after 6 bottles of Calpol’.
Jet bubble bath
Supposed to be generic Gladiators bubble bath, but come on, let’s be realistic here. There’s a picture of Jet on it, so teenage boys will buy it. Anything that will encourage teenage boys to have a bath is good I guess.
‘Paint your own’ figures
Jet looks like she’s been on the hobnobs. Wolf is trying to do a really difficult poo. They’re all getting bummed by their own ghosts.
Lady Gladiator figure
Sold on Ebay with the implication that, for 20p, the lady Gladiator will assume this pose for you.
Gladiators mega fun board game
All the fun of Gladiators with none of the fun of Gladiators.
See also: Play-along-at-home Game Book
and the Gladiators card matching game
Gladiators lorry
For ferrying illegal Gladiators, like Nitro, into the country. Bit of a giveaway having ‘Gladiators’ written on the side though. Should say ‘boring tools and pipes’.
Gladiators Fact File
Featuring the following facts:
– Jet is the best one
– Shadow and Warrior got done for stuff
– Flame and Hawk exist
– Jet can fit a whole Budweiser bottle in her mouth
– Jet “really loves having sex with sweaty virgins”
Action cards
Another outstanding Frosties prize. Why is Scorpio clinging on to a snake?
‘I Don’t Know’ by Diane Youdale
I haven’t listened to this, so I’ve guessed at the lyrics:
“I don’t know the square root of Pi,
I don’t know the life cycle of a fly,
But I do know…
JET IS THE BEST
JET JET JET JET
JET JET JET JET
SEE MY MIGHTY TITS
JET IS THE BEST
JET JET JET JET
JET JET JET JET”
World Of Crap 
Not to make you too covetous but I can add to the pile with one I genuinely owned:
Best I can tell the songs were arbitrarily chosen and had no connection to the show itself. Bought it with my pocket money at 8 for the Green Jelly song but it ultimately made a Faith No More and L7 fan of me so there’s that
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I had the Gladiators soundtrack album. It was all of the music from the show like War by Edwin Starr. Sadly the singles by Jet and Hunter did not feature. A missed opportunity for a rap battle featuring Johns Fashanu and Anderson.
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I had that Jet poster. And yes, it was covered in jizz by the time I moved out.
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Hilarious! All the fun of Gladiators without Gladiators! Lol.
And if you look at the picture of the second Gladiator Comic…the (female?) character at the front looks like they have an extra long vagina? Maybe not? Lol.
Thanks
Martin
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