The other week I spent actual money on old Argos catalogues from Ebay. I do not regret this. I also don’t regret doing a really bad fart that time, pouring the leftover vodka into that day old glass of wine to make a ‘cocktail’, and eating that Hula Hoop I found under the settee.
Brooches don’t seem to be a thing any more, unless you also like £10 cups of ‘coffee style chicory drink’ and ‘street typing’. But back in the day, brooches were a serious way to show off the fact that you had a lapel, jumper or any other item of clothing.
This display features a wanking teddy, and a clown crippled with arthritis.
2. Our Price offer
Buy a Sekonda watch, and get a £5 Our Price voucher. This was not to be sniffed at: in 1994 you could buy up to one single by UB40 featuring Pato Banton.
Then simply spend another tenner and be entered into a super fun prize draw to nearly win a holiday to the USA!
I would kill for that Troll watch now. Do you hear me? Kill. Other watches include a My Little Pony watch with free comb (not sure if human sized comb or comb for the miniature My Little Pony, since it has hair. I wouldn’t put it past them), and a Forever Friends watch, worn by all the popular girls at my junior school who didn’t like things like hair dye and listening to Pulp.
4. Wall clocks
I can’t see that bear as anything other than “Help, I’ve got balloons sticking out of my arse!”. Meanwhile, we have some classic 90s ware, such as “L’enfant”, other assorted Athena crap, and ‘Gladiators with their bums out’.
5. A guide to typewriters and word processors
Advertising features like:
Justification: You now have to justify why you’ve written “People who can’t use cashpoints must be killed”.
Autospell: For example, if you write “I would like to do sex with Patsy Kensit”, Autospell will handily change it to “I would like to think of anything else you negator”.
6. Horrible suite
I’m pretty sure we had this when I was a kid. We definitely had one with tassels, because they were an awesome forest/row of guards substitute when you were playing He-Man.
7. Duvet covers
Gladiators duvet cover (for more Gladiators crap see here), some stupid Mickey Mouse thing which no one ever wants, and Noah’s Ark, which is great for when you’re in bed playing ‘save all the animals from the flood that just happens to be all around your bed’. I must stress that I haven’t played this since I was about 7. Nowadays we just play ‘duvet tug o war’ and ‘how long can you read TV Tropes without dying’ in bed.
8. Weird toilet mat things
The thinking behind these: these lovely mats will catch all my stray piss, and then I can just piss like a modern man.
The reality: They get kicked a lot by people going to the loo. As a result they end up crumpled in a corner somewhere, and of no use to anyone. Piss goes on the avacado carpet.
Including that pink stress buster that everyone’s had a go on at some point, and if you haven’t you shouldn’t be allowed to vote. Also a Pepsi can that is more fiendish than it looks. Since the picture looks like it’s about 5 pieces, it fucking better be.
10. Women’s shit
That sink tidy has me on edge. All it’s going to take is someone slightly nudging it, and the whole thing comes crashing down. Also, only women love ice packs, and stupid scented butterflies that mean there’s less room for their flowery skirts, which is what all women wear.
Wrong sport, dickhead.
12. A guide to camcorders
“Lux Illumination”, “Intelligent Auto Iris”, and “Flying Erase Head”.
Come on, keep up, everyone knows what ‘Lux Illumination’ is.
Join me in part 2 for hot chefs, swearing Teddy Ruxpin, and dolls with adult hair.