Rainbow episode review: House of Cards

Sometimes it’s nice to just be a dick for no reason. If you do need a reason to be a dick, I suggest the following reasons:

– Someone’s being slow at a cashpoint

– That woman off that advert

– They’re riding those fucking quad bikes outside your flat again

– You’re awake

In this episode, the Rainbow gang have all decided to be dicks to each other for no real reason. They do that sometimes. That is the plot. Then they all make friends again.

Spoiler alert.

Zippy’s building a house of cards (quite an achievement when you’ve only got one arm), when George rocks up and shows off his new hat:

2

“What do you think of my new hat Zippy? I made it myself!”

Pop quiz – will Zippy say:

a) “Yes it’s a beautiful hat and not at all shit.”

b) “It’s quite a nice hat, but I’m more interested in your opinion on Cartesian dualism.”

c) “Lol what a shit hat.”

If you answered C – congratulations!

laughing

This is not what George wants to hear. He responds to this honest assessment of his hat making skills by knocking down Zippy’s house of cards. Zippy responds by screwing up George’s shit-hat and throwing it eight inches away.

housethrowing

George responds by invading a small patch of land off Zippy’s east coast. Zippy then imposes economic sanctions on George.

Then the U.N.’s fucking peacekeeping boats arrive.

UN boats

This is sufficient to unite Zippy and George in their scorn of Bungle’s shit boat, which is infinitely shitter than George’s hat.

Bungle’s made the boat for Christopher, who’s coming round later. You know what? I bet Christopher, being a grown man, would love it if just for once Bungle made him some fags, booze and hookers, instead of an eggbox he’s going to have to keep out of some misguided sense of loyalty and guilt.

Anyway. Before Christopher comes round with his poker face and his disappointment, Bungle must show HMS Rubbish to Geoffrey. In a cunning move, he puts the boat ON A SEAT, to keep it safe. Remember this information, you’ll need it in about 30 seconds.

seat

“Will you two keep an eye on it for me?”

Zippy: “No, it’s a shit boat, like George’s shit hat. Look after your own stuff.”

George: “Ignore him, he’s just having a period. I’ll look after it, because I would never be a dick for no reason, like I was a couple of minutes ago. Look how better than Zippy I am. I do awareness selfies on Twitter and everything.”

Meanwhile, This is how Zippy makes his houses of cards:

head

He has to prop them up against his head. AGAINST HIS HEAD. That’s dedication. It must have taken hours, and it makes George’s actions even more dickish.

Bungle leaves, having completely secured the safety of his boat. An argument ensues, in which Zippy and George call each other “silly” (in the Rainbow universe, ‘silly’ is code for ‘stupid ham-faced cunt’. Only you can’t say that on Children’s ITV on a Friday lunchtime).

As if he hasn’t been enough of a tool, George starts laughing at Zippy when he struggles to build a house of cards. Imagine laughing at someone with one leg because you’d just beaten them in the 500m hurdles. Now punch George in the face.

NB: I had to go have a cigarette before writing this next bit, because it made me so upset and sad. Three weeks after the last scene, Zippy has finally managed to build another house of cards using only his head.

Geoffrey comes in. Geoffrey has a brilliant idea.

wat 1

wat 3

wat 4

 

Clap. Clap. Clap.

Fuck you Geoffrey. I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.

I’m not crying.

Zippy, quite rightly, has a nervous breakdown. Geoffrey stands there like “Well, what are you getting so worked up about?” In this episode, we learn that Geoffrey is in fact a raging sociopath.

sociopath

George comes back, and he and Zippy put aside their differences in a mutual decision to never speak to Geoffrey ever again. I don’t know why George is mad at Geoffrey, maybe he didn’t retweet one of his awareness selfie tweets.

truce

Geoffrey gets back on their good side by reading them a story about a camel, while Zippy builds another house of cards. They can’t possibly fall for that old trick – “Oh I promise I can change, she meant nothing to me, let me read you a story about a camel…” we’ve all been there, am I right ladies?

After the story, Geoffrey decides it would be a good idea to not look where he’s going and knock down Zippy’s house of cards A-FUCKING-GAIN.

house again

I never thought I’d say this, but… Geoffrey, you arsehole. You fucknut. You pube of the devil.

However, things now take a surprising turn. George, still mad at his lack of retweets, laughs at Zippy’s house of cards falling down again. Zippy retaliates by throwing George’s drink in Geoffrey’s face. I approve of this.

drink

Geoffrey storms off in a huff. Can eagle-eyed viewers spot why he shouldn’t have slammed the story book down there?

smash

Enter Bungle, who, amazingly, has been the least shit one in this episode. He checks on his boat:

oh no

Geoffrey broke his boat in a fit of North Korean rage.

Bungle starts crying and shouting at Geoffrey, in the manner of Kat Slater or similar. Geoffrey deserves this tirade. I’m certainly not going to stick up for you this time Geoffrey. You’ve actually made me root for Bungle. I have my limits.

crying

“My boat’s ruined! It’s a good job it was shit anyway!”

Geoffrey tries to mediate between them all, not realising that HE IS THE PROBLEM TODAY. Fucking hell Geoffrey.

sorting

A kind of truce is reached, which is good because it’s time for Christopher’s visit. Someone should tell Bungle that he’s probably going to be relieved not to have to take HMS Wank home with him.

The gang decide to not kill each other, and later on we see their various projects have been restored to full glory.

later

Although I’m still not happy with the whole house of cards thing. They should at least acknowledge how impressive Zippy’s original attempts were. Jesus Geoffrey, you two-armed psychopath.

Christopher arrives, with his guitar (which he just happens to always have with him, even in the bath). Bungle accidentally scars him for life with some paint.

christopher

After my earlier breakdown over Zippy’s house of cards, that screenshot had the opposite effect, and I had to stop writing to laugh quite a lot.

Paintgate threatens to start an all-out war again, but Christopher intervenes just in time, by being able to instantly write a song about the exact thing that’s been going on in this episode. It’s called ‘Why Did You Do That’, and miraculously the others can all instantly make up verses too.

Everything’s fine after the song. Everyone’s friends again, and if you say anything bad happened ever then you’re lying.

Now everything’s sorted out, I’ll leave you with Geoffrey considering knocking over Zippy’s house of cards again and how hilarious that would be. What bantz. We never find out if he does or not. Don’t do it Geoffrey.

laugh 2

Fin.

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