This episode is about tools, and using tools, and working hard with tools, and Bungle, who is a tool.
Let’s begin. Geoffrey is washing everyone’s bras:
“Oh dear, we do have a lot of washing considering three of us are nudists!”
Geoffrey goes to the kitchen to toil. Zippy shouts after him:
“Geoffrey, I can’t find my blue socks!”
“Zippy, how many times? You don’t own any socks, you don’t own any feet.”
George’s turn:
“Geoffrey, where are my clean underpants?”
“In your imagination, along with your genitals.”
With that all cleared up, Geoffrey goes out to the shed to “make a table”. I’m not sure why he feels the need to make a table since they already have one. I call bullshit – he’s not going to make a table, he’s going to the shed for lager and bantz.
Bungle comes in, doing an impression of Derek fucking Acorah.
“The spirits are telling me that I don’t have any clean clothes, like I fucking need any.”
Meanwhile, there’s a banging noise coming from the shed. By ‘banging’, I don’t mean ‘really good’. I still don’t believe Geoffrey is making a table. The banging is probably caused by all the mega bantz he’s having, like I said.
For reasons known only to him, Geoffrey decides to stop having banging fun and to come and be in the same room as Bungle.
“FUCKING HELL BUNGLE YOU’RE WEARING CLOTHES!”
Judging by the look on Bungle’s face, I think his loan sharks have just caught up with him.
“Whatever. Will you get me a glass of orange squash please Bungle? I can’t go in the kitchen because I’m wearing my apron, or something.”
“No Geoffrey. I am going to spend the whole day in bed, so I cannot get you a glass of orange squash.”
“Time out. Yep, that’s me, being a prick in a bear suit…”
“Sod you then, I’m going back out to make my table that doesn’t exist that I’m not really making.”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
Somehow, Geoffrey has managed to make it look like he really is making a table, just to prove me wrong and piss me off. In the past.
“Hello, and welcome to ‘I’m A Tool’. In this episode, we talk about the importance of giving your fake imaginary table all its legs.”
But oh no! One of Geoffrey’s legs is missing! Calm your tits Geoffrey, it’s not like it matters. We both know that this table is never going to be seen or mentioned ever again.
“Geoffrey I’ve found your leg! It was in that place where I’d been hiding it!”
“You do that again George and you’re going to need a reason to wear underpants after all.”
Geoffrey resumes his banging.
“SHUT UP, I’M ASLEEP” shouts Bungle.
“IF YOU’RE SO ASLEEP HOW ARE YOU SHOUTING, YOU KNOBHEAD” replies Geoffrey.
“I’M GOING TO NAIL THAT TABLE TO YOUR FUCKING HEAD” yells Bungle.
“COME DOWN HERE AND SAY THAT, I’LL SHOVE GEORGE UP YOUR ARSE” shouts Geoffrey.
The argument breaks up when Geoffrey remembers he hasn’t hung the washing out to dry.
Zippy asks Geoffrey to read them a story.
“No Zippy, I’m currently doing a thing. Which in the context of this episode means I’m currently doing 384 things. Go ask Freddy, he’s in our house somewhere, for some reason.”
Zippy and George go in search of Freddy.
“FREDDY!”
As luck would have it, Freddy has been standing in the hall all day, on the off chance one of them wanted him for something. Why he’s wearing overalls is not explained. Maybe they’re his special waiting overalls.
“Yes of course I’ll read you a story. It’s not like I was busy doing anything that requires the wearing of overalls. But hang on, where’s Bungle?”
“Bungle’s in bed. Maybe if we all peer really hard at the ceiling we can see him up there.”
Unfortunately, Freddy can’t read the story because A) Geoffrey’s started having a banging time again, and B) Freddy probably can’t read.
“Right you fat piss-taking cow, I’ll show you who can fucking read. I do not look like Lovejoy.”
Freddy finishes the story and leaves. Bungle comes in:
“So there’s a story hey?”
“There was, you missed it.”
“Fine I bet it was a shit story anyway, I’ll go play football instead.”
“Ha ha you can’t do that!”
“And why not?”
“Because you’re in your pyjamas!”
“Oh yeah you’re right. I’d better get bollock naked, like I am every single other time I play football.”
Sarcasm.
Meanwhile, Rod, Jane and Freddy are all in overalls, and have turned up in Geoffrey’s shed.
Freddy: “Oh my God that table is fucking amazing.”
Rod: “Does anyone want to come outside and watch my hair flapping in the breeze?”
Jane: “I’m the woman one.”
“Can we help you Geoffrey?”
“I very much doubt it.”
Rod, Jane and Freddy help by singing a song. Look at them helping.
Despite all their helping, Geoffrey finishes his table. One leg is shorter than the others, which was completely deliberate, and not a result of Geoffrey having lager and bantz instead of concentrating.
“Oh dear,” says George. “It’s a bit crooked.”
“Yes I hadn’t noticed that,” replies Geoffrey. How about I just burn the fucking thing on the fire then.”
Ok, Geoffrey doesn’t really say that. What he actually says is “Oh that’s no problem, I can just sand a tiny bit off the other legs.”
Clap clap clap.
And it’s still fucking wonky.
“Oh look it looks like a stool!” cries Bungle.
Pop quiz time! Will Bungle:
A: Not sit on the stool
B: Sit on the stool
if you answered B – congratulations!
“Bungle I’m going to have to make that bastard table all over again now!”
“Don’t worry Geoffrey, I’ll help you this time! And we’ll do it very carefully!”
Geoffrey is thinking about sticking his head in the oven very carefully.
And here we leave the Rainbow gang. Presumably they’re now all going to pile into the shed, along with Rod, Jane and Freddy, and somehow that will help make a table, and not just help Geoffrey to have a nervous breakdown.
George never did get any underpants.
