The shit you can win on a 2p machine

I love 2p machines, I always have. Nothing beats the thrill of seeing an almost worthless coin inching its way forward, before finally dropping down that hole that means you haven’t won it. The only thing that comes close to beating it is the thrill of winning something you have absolutely no use for after the first ten seconds of owning it.

time for tea bognor regis

Some absolute BASTARDS (I’m looking at you Butlins in Skegness) have done away with 2p machine prizes altogether, instead saving their cheap useless crap for the 10p machines. This, as you know, goes against the natural order of things. Expect Skegness to have a plague of locusts or something soon, thanks to those money grabbing, fun hating pricks.

As far as I know, no one else has gone along with this evil, so let’s get back to normal 2p machines, where it is entirely possible to spend a lucky 20p brightening up your day by winning a ‘fashion comb’ or an eraser that looks like a £50 note.

It goes without saying that the main purpose of 2p machines is to win crap. If you have any doubts as to my opinion on crap, see the name of this blog. There are very few problems that can’t be solved by winning shit from a 2p machine.

No doubt we have most of the following somewhere in our flat, probably because the bin was full when we tried to throw them away.

1. Shit ornaments


Like the charming examples above. These are quite hard to win because they’re quite heavy, although that might make them easier to win. I don’t know, I’m no good at science.

They also tend to have oddly shaped heads that get stuck in the prize hole, forcing you to go get ‘the man’ who will tut at you and smell of copper.

Styles of ornament will vary widely, but a popular trend at the moment, for some reason, is Egyptian lady heads.

And obviously those fucking meerkats. And Psy, because they got a load cheap when everyone got bored of his song.

2. Powerballs


Nothing to do with dishwashers, but I refuse to just call them ‘bouncy balls’ because that’s not their proper name, and it sounds a bit rude. But so does ‘powerballs’, if you say it the right way.

How to use a powerball – stand outdoors, or indoors. Smack the ball at the ground as hard as you can while shouting “WHAM!” or some other nonsense. One of two things will happen. Either the ball will actually reach the Moon, or it will hit the ceiling, prompting your mum to confiscate it “before someone loses an eye”.

3. Novelty erasers


Also known as rubbers, for those of us grown up enough to stop laughing. The worst kind of novelty eraser is the one that looks like money, because somewhere in the dusty bit of your mind, you still half believe it might just turn out to be real money. That just happens to be made of rubber. However, if you try to spend it at the change desk, the man who smells of copper will tut at you again.

4. Keyrings


Useless when you’re a small child as you don’t have any keys. Brilliant as an adult, and then you end up with more keyrings than keys, which is as it should be.

We have the WINNER keyring pictured above, because we are winners.

Often, the keyrings will have ‘humorous’ slogans on them, such as ‘I pretend to be happy but I really drink a lot of gin’ or ‘ You don’t have to be a twat to work here, but you are a twat anyway’. And the bloody meerkats again.

5. Finger monsters


Monsters for your fingers. Easily up there in the top five inventions ever, along with the wheel, and that stuff I drink that stops me thinking about my life.

The only problem with finger monsters is that you feel like you’re killing them if you take them off your fingers. And also that sometimes you can be in the middle of quite a good conversation with one, but then you have to go out, and then people (haters) look at you funny just for carrying on your conversation.

6. Mini slinky


These will not go down your stairs unless your stairs are 1cm high. In order to counter this obvious design flaw, some pioneering designers stick heads and feet on the ends, creating a tiny spring man. We have one somewhere, but I can’t find it. Thinking about it, we might not have one.

7. Shit plastic jewellery


Usually rings, like the ones pictured above. Occasionally a bracelet with all different Jesuses on it. I hate winning these rings, because they don’t fit me. I blame the people who own the arcade for making me spend all my money in order to win a prize that I can clearly see what it is and that it will ultimately be useless. But shut up, that is not the point.

8. Disguises


Put these on and your family will promptly shit themselves. Look how scary I am. Rarr. As you can see, I’ve gone for the classic eye, moustache, teeth and shit cardigan combo.

Also – those rubber witch fingers where you have to win ten of them to make it worth your while, but there are only ever one or two in the entire town where you’re staying, never mind in that particular machine.

9. Fake driving licence


I have this exact one somewhere, but, like with all the other stuff, finding it would have taken actual effort.

Despite rapidly skidmarking towards middle age, I do occasionally get asked for ID when I’m buying ciggies, which is brilliant and annoying at the same time. I don’t think they ask me because I look particularly young, I think it’s because I look shifty. Anyway, they probably wouldn’t believe that I am Dave, so this is ultimately not very useful.

10. Prize tickets


You can win whole rolls of these bad boys, and they’re not that difficult to win. The catch is that winning ten rolls will provide you with about 200-300 tickets, which will translate roughly into 2p of hard cash. Do you see the problem? No, because there is no problem, because that’s what 2p machines are for.

Once you have 5 miles of tickets, you have to take them to the man who smells of copper, who wil tut again, and swap your tickets for a JLS colouring book.

If you liked my book, do me a solid and tell other people about it. If you haven’t read it, it’s here and has lots of swears in it.

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